By the knights of Columbus...

It's actually my birthday!

The title has nothing to do with this post. And I've not picked a vid to head it up. Hmmm you know who can handle this problem? Future me! Google analytics! Lets me see interesting things like what countries people are in while they read my blogs. It at least tells me where their IP is. This week there were two folk from Argentina and Moscow reading this! Hello Argentinian and Russian reader!

It's unlikely they would read that greeting because I have 88% new readers this week! My readership isn't increasing I appear to be attracting around the same number of people each week with little overlap between their venn diagrams.

Look at the pie chart, just look at it! I am a fan of a good graph, or a bad graph. Bad graphs are much more amusing than good ones. I wonder if I could create a graph to display how much more amusing they are.

Quantifying a qualitative thing is something that makes me grimace like a monkey sucking a lemon. I've been reading How To Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran. This is a question I've given little thought to. Mostly because I am a man, more or less. I have always thought that women get the short end of the stick though, i.e. it's easier being a man. The book's been amusing and thought provoking thus far, only on page 80 of 300 or so 25.6% of the way through.

I bring up the book because I had to dry it out today. My genius father has returned! He's been abroad for a few months spreading the word about the benefits of classical hata yoga, in the country of my birth. He never stops! Like an elder, asian, energizer bunny with shiny brown skin. I think it's something to do with collagen, no idea why though. He brought a bag back from his travels, rinsed it out and left it to dry precariously placed over my copy of How To Be a Woman. The book should look something like this. Now looks like this:

I must add that this is post dehydration. I've not said drying because if I had sensibly dried the book I think it wouldn't have become so very crispy and ruffled. Moral of the story is keep your books out of the bathroom and if you dry them be sure to not use a high powered fan heater. In an attempt to flatten it out a little I have piled ten other books on top of it. I'll keep you updated on the status of my crinkly copy of How To Be a Woman.

Thanks to my lazy writing schedule days have passed and the book has been suitably flattened! View the pleasing results of my ten book press below. So yesterday I went off to watch Mockingjay Pt 1 and it was ok! But it wouldn't be yours truly if I did not spin a yarn about my silent beef with the cinema's employees and my contortion in the carpark!

A little discoloured but most definitely usable.

Hadn't been to the cinema in a while, mostly because there was nothing good to see and partly because I've been exam hermitting. This is a process by which I become even more of a recluse. It's usually accompanied by the growth of an exceptionally bushy beard and this time was nay exception. I grew a most fearsome of black beards. On account of it be the vember of Mo's, get it? I have bared my blunted chin :-D

It's a work day and I'm heading into the city centre, as you can imagine parking spaces are in short supply. I know there'll be a fair few at the top of a multi-storey affair near the cinema. The problem is that there are enormous support pillars next to these spaces making alighting from one side or t'other a little tricky. I overcome this by clambering over to the passenger side, my level of flexibility has decreased severely since my back woes. I actually manage to cramp both hamstrings in the process, man it's awesome being this old :-/ After all that effort I realise I've parked like an absolute douche, barely in the space. My delicate honour will not allow me to leave this situation without at least trying to rectify it. So I re-enter my vehicle and twist myself back into the driver's side, turns out it's easier to manoeuvre facing the backrest, straddling the hand brake with your rear proudly pointed at the windscreen. Now you know! I also correct my parking faux pas and make my exit.

As I approach the cinema heads are turning and I am getting many wary looks. I put it down to my way of walking, with purpose. It's how I usually walk but it's being amplified by my poor gauge of how cold it was, ruddy freezing! Oh and I am rather burly and dark of skin. If a large, dark object were moving at considerable speed in your vicinity then I'd completely understand if you felt the need to stare :-P

Upon arriving at the cinema I inspect the ticket machines and decide they are out of order. I approach the popcorn and drinks counter, they've recently replaced the ticket counter with a coffee or ice cream counter. I was not paying attention as I was walking with great intensity towards the lad behind the counter. I enquire about my ticket, already purchased online and only require a pick up. He tells me it'd be easier if I use one of the machines. Mayhap I was too hasty to judge the machines broken. Upon close inspection they are indeed broken! My ire is beginning to flare.

Set eyebrows to attack...

I hurtle towards the counter but I'm beaten there by two middle aged women. My queueing condition kicks in and I wait, patiently stewing. One of the ladies does a double take. And the other out right stares at me. Amusing, maybe my attack eyebrows are attracting their attention. Here's when I lost it. Another employee makes a "test" call to the lad who is faffing about behind the counter. Usually I would have found such hijinks hilarious but my ire was already bubbling up and this blatant tomfoolery pushed me into full letter writing mode! Got my ticket, calmed the hell down and watched the film.

It was indeed ok. Now I don't find myself particularly overly attached to any characters here. Other than Peeta Melark, I love that guy. There was a little action and you could definitely tell the story was being stretched, lots of talking in bunkers. The ending was awesome but I'd pretty much agree with my Aussie brother from another mother, if you can help it wait till next year and watch it back to back with the last one. There were character's names etc being used in this film and I had no idea who they were talking about. And I have a pretty good memory for that kind of stuff. There is a message that is not so covertly conveyed about the use of propaganda in the film, that was the best bit for me :D Also the technical sorcery that the man in the wheelchair with glasses was pulling off.

It was on the drive home that I managed to fathom what all the staring was about, my stache! I was stuck in traffic and I'm pretty sure a lass in a car tapped her mate's shoulder to point out my facial hair. In 2008 I attempted something similar and the results were less than satisfactory, this time around I think I've cracked it.

Lego beard conquerers

Movember it's all about awareness! So spread the word!!!

Now?...what?

So html is not my friend, I was having some formatting issues with the video above. FYI it's one of the best things I've seen this week  I have however seen a lot of things this week and some of them have been equally or more awesome. But if I were to regurgitate my week in all it's glorious/tedious detail the few of you who do bother to read these would run for the hills, one of my faves by the way.

CIMA! Yep I was sitting an exam for the third or fourth time! Disgraceful I know, with my freak beast memory I should be able to slay all exams like the pitifully pointless exercises they are. But I am afflicted by a malaise that many of you are likely familiar with. A malaise that sets in once I realise that I can actually do something, complacency/laziness. If I know I can do something I tend to stop trying and that leads to stagnation. The worst kind of nation!

This time I sunk a lot of my own cash into paying for tutoring and struck up an unlikely friendship with a northerner. I say it's unlikely because I appear gruff and older than the earth itself whilst aforementioned northerner was all shiny and new. You know the sort of person right? Smiles, sunshine and self deprecation. The tutoring helped me realise that I was missing the basics and pointing out the high level stuff thereby foregoing all the marks available for the basics. Fundamentals, the best kind of mentals.

So my prep was pretty good, probably because of my current level of employment. I did a lot of exam papers, a lot more than I'd done before. I'd done no papers in their totally before, so based on papers my prep was infinitely better! But I did go through a little bit of a pre exam panic. Those of you who know me aren't likely to have seen me panic, I don't panic. I do panic but I do it in a way that a glacier would panic. Glacial panic, picture that for a moment. I got to the exam venue and was rather chilly. So I remembered the words of Bear Grylls - push ups. I did a few and warmed up suitably before reading through my notes haphazardly trying to memorise all the bits that aren't often examined. Mostly useless but worrying, much like a rocking chair, gives you something to do and gets you nowhere.

I've had this pic for years no idea where it's from despite my recent mastery of reverse picture searching! So if anyone does find out comment below, let me know! The shiny northerner arrives as I sit quietly brooding over my notes. After a little awkward waving she gains my attention and we launch into the inevitable exchange of pleasantries. Something I am terrible at as I tend to ask the same questions as whomever I'm greeting at the exact same time. Leading to awkward silences punctuated with the simultaneous answering of the synchronised questions.

So once that's done I inquire about how the other two exams have gone. Swimmingly I think was the response, it's difficult to gauge peoples exam reactions as some are overwhelmed, others down playing their success and others clueless. I am a sure member of camp clueless. And despite the common acceptance that "ignorance is bliss" it really isn't. Probably because I'm not ignorant that I'm ignorant, urgh!

All that noise aside the time draws near and I take a combination of painkillers and stimulants just before the exam. I have some back pain, stemming from my epic injury last year. The last time I sat the exam I somewhat scuttled my own chances by ingesting a can of Monster and quite a bit of water. The rules stipulate you can't leave for the first eighty five minutes! All my effort was being put towards controlling the building pressure in my bladder, read all about it here.

It was a normal enough paper and I was defo pushed for time, poor time management? Perhaps but I think it's a sign that I was actually answering most of the questions.

This is a vid of Robson and Jerome singing Unchained Melody back in  1995 :-/ 19 years ago. When did I get so old! Let's move on...So the taller fellow is Jerome. The shorter one with the brown hair, Robson Green, popped back onto our screens as the anchor of Extreme fishing back in 2008. Janet Street Porter suggested that such programming should be flung into Room 101.

In case you can't see the youtube vid :-D

Then at some point during the day I was thinking about my cheekbones, not pronounced. If I were to get uber skinny I wondered what my face would look like. I ran through a number of famous faces and became entangled in the Game of Thrones character roster. I often become entangled in such rosters. Eventually deciding that I'd most likely look like Bronn. You know the wiley, sell sword who's mates with Tyrion. It's at this point that my mind makes the jump and comes to the realisation that the dishy blonde fellow in the the pic and vid above and the disreputable son of a gun Bronn are in fact the same man. IMDB link in case you doubt the veracity of my claim!

19 years...

Ooh I've just remembered that the exam was being held in the banqueting hall/ballroom of a hotel. The rear/side entrance was being used for it and the walls of the lobby were a slew with mirrors. It is at this point I realise that I have shrunk and no longer fill out my big orange t shirt :-( Also I notice that my shoelaces match my t shirt! Not the sort to match laces to anything I am feeling rather fancy and bust a move. This has a little to do with the mirror lined lobby, I am always looking for an excuse to dance :-D. There is an exam in progress and a rather serious blonde girl bursts forth from the hall on her way to the bathroom. I cease dancing non nonchalantly i.e. abruptly, she smiles and goes on her way.

To explain the ill fitting t shirt. I did mention a while ago, 07/10/2014, that I'd lost about a stone because of my diet. That's now progressed to just over 13 kg, 2 stone or 28 pounds-ish. As you can imagine with that much meat off my bones my clothes look baggy. The most annoying thing is that my belt is no longer tight enough to hold up my trousers! Oh and according the the BMI I'm no longer obese! I'm just overweight!

Got to love a colourful graphic illustration! Nicked from Onepoll.com

BMI can be calculated using your weight in KG divided by your height in metres squared. For me right now the calculation would look like: 93.7/(1.775^2) = 29.7. Or you can use a graph or you can use this thingy here.

As with all statistics it's not to be take too seriously.  If you take a look at someone who carries a little extra muscle their BMI may be in the overweight bracket. I think waist measurement comes into it as well with the updated BMI. Anyways if you want to know more you are luckily accessing this verbose barrage via a device that has access to most if not all of human knowledge ever!

Almost forgot the excellence that was on the Graham Norton show. The first part featured Aniston, Bateman and Olly Murs. It was relatively entertaining then Dench and Hoffman arrived in a flurry of charisma and gravitas. I usually skip past the musical performances on the GN show, I don't like how "GN show" reads/looks I shall never use it again! Olly's performance on the Graham Norton show was nothing short of awesome. If you've got access to Iplayer I'd encourage you to watch it. Series 16 Episode 8 skip to 38 minutes and 52 seconds to see what all my gush is about.

MCU and Doctor Who...

Somewhat straying from my regular pattern but not to worry there's an epic tune at the end. I just love this dude, Mr Sunday Movies. He does film reviews and talks about comics. And Marvel did an enormous unload this week! Seemed a little knee jerky in response to DC's unleashing their line up up until 2020. Another fantastic fellow, JeremyJahns, has made a vid all about it. Being a little lazy by not explaining but these dudes do a much better job and they've got visuals! I mean I have visuals too but you the old chestnut about pictures and 1000 words. A video is at least 20 fps so per second that's like 20,000 words...which is ridiculous. These videos may have minor and or major spoilers in for the upcoming films as they are likely to be based on comics.

So it is most definitely a good time to be me or anyone else who like movies based on comic books. Man I can not wait for Darkseid, Apocalypse and Thanos. I'll be honest I am only familiar with Darkseid and Apocalypse. Thanos I have no  clue about but he was inspired by Darkseid and he's a badass so can't be bad. I've also had quite the education in all things cosmic in the Marvel cinematic universe from a vid by an insanely knowledgable young man who goes by the youtube handle of Mitchell Letcher. He speaks mad fast so be sure to pay attention.

 For those who don't want to learn all about ratios scroll down until you see the big pink yolo.

In an attempt to actually learn something today, I'm preparing for an exam, I shall be weaving all of the applicable ratios into this post.  Ratio analysis is something that I was introduce to in 2007, yep it's been 7 years and I'm still being tested on it. It was an off shoot of financial accounting that was being examined and ration analysis was in one of the questions. Now I'm sat furiously beavering away and the fire alarm sounds.

There are four categories of ratio that can be tested in this exam. They are profitability, liquidity, gearing and investor.

Off the top of my head I can remember:

1. Gross profit
2. Net profit
3. Return on Capital employed
4. Receivable days
5. Payable days
6. Inventory days
7. Acid test
8. Quick
9. Gearing
10. Earnings per share
11. Price earnings or P/E
12. Dividend cover
13. Dividend yield
14. Interest cover

And I'm out of ideas! There is going to be a big, juicy 25 mark question involving ratios, at least 8 out of those five marks are given for correctly calculating some ratios. So worth learning.

Here's an exhaustive list broken down by category:

1. Profitability - Gross Profit, Operating profit, Asset turnover, Return on capital employed - 4
2. Liquidity - Current, Quick, Inventory days, Receivable days, Payable days - 5
3. Gearing - Gearing, Interest cover - 2
4. Investor - Earnings per share, P/E, Dividend cover, Dividend yield - 4

Now for me remembering the categories and the number of ratios in each category helps to memorise the lot. Alternatively I would write these down over and over again until it became ingrained. If you add up the numbers in red you get...15! I was missing - Asset turnover and Current. Also I'm pretty sure that acid and quick are the same ratio but with different names. So now I've got the categories and numbers down the names should be straight forward.

You should be able to pick up quite a few marks without the ratios by just rifling through the financial statements of whichever entity you are supposed to be analysing.

And the end of the fire alarm story is that we ended up congregating in the car park outside the exam/sports hall. Instructed to remain in total silence, an instruction that was promptly ignored by everyone. Amongst the obvious exam chatter there were numerous rumour circulating about what the outcome would be. Everyone passes was one, everyone fails was another and lastly there was the we may have to resit the exam! I don't know about everyone but I passed, so it would appear my knowledge/understanding of ratios is certainly adequate.

YOLO 

Your loss if you understand the ratios you may be better placed to make savvy business/investment decisions :-P

I saw this stunning image appear as a cover photo for a girl who was in the year below me at my first secondary school. I also met her and a fellow named Liam in a club in Nottingham! I had never spoken to either of them but they recognised me and I them. And that's the unsatisfying end of that anecdote.

Ooh back to the image I did a reverse image search! Now I'd heard of these when people debunk folks who use photos of models for their profiles to rip people off etc. But I had no idea what one entailed. Google has this function if you go to: https://images.google.com/imghp, then you drag and drop the image you want to look up. That led me to this blog: http://tamta-rot.livejournal.com. And from there I managed to find the name of the photographer, Shelby Robinson. Third one across, redhead with autumn in her hair!

Avid readers will know about my fondness for those of the auburn persuasion and strangely I do count myself amongst their numbers. You can read all about it here, there's an image explaining why I claim to be a redhead.

Oh my god has everyone seen the last instalment of Doctor Who? At the time of writing this it was the last instalment but now it's the second to last, Dark Water. Spoilers to follow so sod off and watch it on Iplayer if you don't want it to be spoilt! Now I did have it spoilt because I was on facebook the morning after and saw two posts indicating the fate of Danny Pink. But I got over it because I don't really like Danny he's ok but he I don't care about the character. Then it was spoilt all over again by the thumbnail that the BBC had chosen to display above the link to the episode. A legion of cybermen! Damn it BBC Why would you do that to me?!?

Any hoo getting past the rage I was feeling I quite enjoyed the episode. There was Clara being against the natural order of things. The Doctor being ever so loyal despite her betrayal and the dead. Now here's something I did not think was true about cybermen, they are a result of banging armour on the human body. I thought they were brains taken from the a human and bunged into a robotic body. The hidden in plain site bit was cool, dark water = DW = Doctor Who?

So I thought Missy was the master the first time we all saw her way back when! I think I wrote about it here. There is a subtle drumming that is the new masters trademark. I've just rewatched it and the drumming is not so conclusive. Anyone seen Green Wing? Michelle Gomez, Missy, plays a real ballbuster. Pretty much the female Malcolm Tucker, probably been pointed out already. I hope they get into a shouting match. The double door cyberman eye reveal was a nice touch too! I did not see it coming at all.

#selfie

 I have some problems with this episode. Mainly centring around the end. I liked that there wasn't too much detail about the cyberfying process, wholly unnecessary. There was Missy's super speed, you know the bit when she was cuffed to that thing like Hannibal Lecter and Osgood is beckoned closer? Yeah that bit. She was across the room before the guards had a chance to react! She can teleport but this looked to me like good old fashioned super speed.

Pretty much my reaction when Missy zapped Osgood. There was a foreshadowing whisper that she was to accompany the Doctor! That would have been my reaction but owing to certain physical mishaps I glared silently whilst eating peanut butter on toast.

Danny Pink, comes good. The sentiment is laudable, especially given the time of year. The sacrifice that soldiers make is often undervalued or completely forgotten. I spent the first few years of my life in a war zone, don't really remember any of it. But by all accounts I've heard, it's a pretty grizzly place to be.

Where does this leave Danny's Grandson? They didn't explain why Danny was immune to Missy's mind control. Clara had just shut off his emotions so? The Brigadier's shooting Missy was rather confusing. So are there lot's of cybermen who weren't under her control? Or is it just soldiers? If so there are lots of soldiers who have passed away and would have been uncontrollable! So now Earth has a guardian cyberman.

The heaven portal was a bit confusing and wholly unnecessary, Danny died a hero. I suppose it shows that he is willing to sacrifice everything to right his wrongs. And the subsequent lying from the Doctor and Clara! The Doctor's lie, fair enough but Clara's? And I was expecting a baby bump when she got up at the end. Guessing she's pregnant but not showing just yet.

I hadn't grown to dislike Missy as the Master. There were hints and bits and bobs throughout but the character didn't get enough time on screen for me to grow to totally fear/despise/love them. It all felt a little rushed. The could have cut the whole Robin Hood episode and extended the finale but that's just me, maybe.

Bigger, Stronger, Faster...

Truth be told this is an old documentary. 2008! I was still at my second university pretending to be an accountant. At the time I was trying to cut weight whilst remaining big and strong. I never reached the upper echelons of competitive sport, not for lack of talent but because of bad timing. Oh and I should point out that by talent I mean

1. I grew at an alarmingly fast rate: 5ft 8 aged 11
2. I was massively heavy: 100kg + aged 15.

Those were my talents! Being bigger and stronger. Luckily or unluckily I was also fabulously flexible, hyper extending joints son! Some of you may see the problem here but for those who don't trying to apply power through joints that don't stay in place result in dislocation. These dislocations lead to many sprains, tears etc. Meaning that I could tear shit up on the field but I'd tend to get injured really easily.

But enough about me let's talk about why steroids are illegal! The usual spiel is that they are dangerous. I was going to list things but there are better lists compiled by people/institutions that know what they are doing so:

The video goes over one guy's inspiration to be big and strong. Actually it's three brothers who were inspired by their childhood heroes Schwarzenegger, Hulk Hogan etc. Then slowly realising that wrestling is fake and top class body builders juice all the time. The older brother is hell bent on being a pro wrestler and the younger wants to be the best strength athlete he can be. The middle brother, Chris, is the narrator and interviewer throughout.

I'll say that this does seem to come out in favour of steroids being safe and legal. Interviews were generally in favour of steroids use and most of the people being interviewed were on steroids. I'm not endorsing the use of steroids neither am I saying that if you use steroids you should be locked up. The other points that were hinted at throughout the documentary are what really fired up my mind grapes.

Why are some things considered cheating whilst others are fine? One example used was that Tiger Woods had laser eye surgery. There's a pretty good article from the Independent here. The guy has better than perfect vision as a result. So artificially boosting your muscle size/strength is bad but artificially boosting your eyes isn't. 

The second point that hit home with me was the four ways you can boost your red blood cell count. Red blood cells carry oxygen, so more red blood cells = more oxygen = greater endurance. There are four ways of increasing the number of red blood cells in the body 

1. Blood doping - remove some of your own blood and and bang it back in before your event.
2. Hypobaric chamber - sleep in a chamber that simulates a region much higher than sea level.
3. Altitude training - train somewhere that is much higher than sea level.
4. EPO - a hormone that just tells your body to make more red blood cells.

Two are legal and two are illegal. Why is that exactly? So the line appears to be arbitrarily drawn. Perhaps experts have been consulted. From the look of it the expert's testimony during the congressional hearing into steroids was ignored. Political careers were built on making things happen. Or at least making it look like things were happening.

Steroids were banned but their use is rife. Towards the end Chris even demonstrates how easily you can get a legal prescription for anabolic steroids. Banning something is meaningless if the enforcement of the ban is non-existent. So they made it look like things have changed when nothing really has.

The second point that seemed to stand out was the supplement industry that has sprung up. In my early teens I was convinced that if I got my hands on protein powder, creatine etc. then I would be as ripped and strong as the big, buff guys in the magazines. But the reality is that there is a carefully crafted exercise and diet regime that gets them the majority of the way there. And maybe some steroids. Oh an don't forget all the airbrushing etc. 

That's a little video from my favourite professional eater, Furious Pete. Showing that by utilising the pump, oil and some photoshop he looks a hell of a lot different.

I do have a few old mates who are genuinely mad ripped without juicing. I'm talking massive arms, pecs and abs for days. There is a lot of hard work behind their physiques though and they all take supplements. Not sure if they read this but here's a little shout out to the man with the biggest head in the world whose middle name is Geoffrey! The guy who broke his hand on my face and is always known by his middle name! And lastly the insane most push ups in one minute world record threatener. It stands at 138 and was set in 2004! I can't seem to find the record on the Guinness world record site.


If you skip to 1 hour 18 minutes in the vid at the top it'll go over the supplement industry in an entertaining and dramatic fashion. If you don't want to then read on, I'd prefer if you read on. Because...ego! Creating an entirely new industry that sells stuff that, for most of us, won't make too much difference. Do you have to take whey protein to get gains? I'd say no just eat a decent amount of protein, workout right and let your body do the rest. Maybe if you're an elite athlete then it's necessary but most of us aren't so it's something wholly unnecessary that has become big business.


So far we have a ban that isn't a ban and an industry that sells stuff to people who likely don't need it. Now there is a nugget in here that cuts to the core of why this is happening. I am insecure and tend to think that if I manage to get such and such life will be better. Action figures, athletes etc. have become increasingly ripped. Bigger, stronger and faster. Being fit isn't as attractive as being ripped. And this desire provides an opportunity for the unscrupulous to exploit.

Have you all seen Fight Club? or read Fight Club? It's pretty good and I've just realised that it's 15 years old! So it's well worth a watch, as for read I don't know but it does have an average rating of 4.5/5 on amazon from 189 ratings! Anyhow there's a point in the film where Tyler, the main antagonist, makes a speech. There's a quote below in italics but it sounds better coming from Brad Pitt.

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. 

But we won't.

And there it is the dream that drives the industry. A delicately balanced house of cards built on a foundation of lies. I'm all for conspiracies as you may have already gathered!

More is more...

Do you see a pattern emerging? Now I realise my slacking off and refusal to tag all those included has dampened the reach of my ramblings. But I've become a recluse so I don't really interact with members of the public anymore. I wonder what will emerge from this cocoon of solitude I have encased myself within. It's not really solitude there's still Tim the dog. So the tune-age at the beginning, a wise man once said you can't beat a classic. So starting with one can't be all bad right?

This particular song has an undeniable upbeatness and I am an enormous fan of the remix with Q-Tip: Breathe & Stop. In my humble opinion Breathe & Stop doesn't stand up by itself. I've just listened to it again and it looks like I was remembering it through rose tinted glasses. Doesn't quite work rose tinted head/ear phones perhaps? It sound awful!

Whilst perusing facebook one day I saw this phrase:

A real man never hurts a woman. Be very careful when you make a woman cry. Because God counts her tears. The woman came out of man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior. But from his side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected. And next to the heart to be loved.

And I near enough exploded with outrage. Woah now woman upsetters everywhere don't make the ladies cry because God is watching! Now here's an offer for you, can you tell me where "God is watching!" is used as a punchline? Yes women have gotten the short end of the stick for centuries, millenia, maybe even longer! But I don't think scaring people into doing the right thing is the way forward.

If you're not nice then you'll likely find yourself alone! 

This was the first tag line that came to mind. But then that kind of presupposes that everyone doesn't want to be alone and also plays off the fear of being alone. It was at this point I stopped trying to generate a snappy tag line to encompass why being nice is preferable to being a douche. Primarily it's a selfish thing. You're nice and so other people reciprocate, pretty much common sense. Doesn't tie in with the "bad boy" that tend to get all the action so I'm back to: I don't know what the right thing to do is! Perhaps a mass movement of women not willing to put up with nasty, abusive men would bear better results. But then again my old approach to abusive men was to punch them in the face or walk away laughing or grinning from ear to ear. I'm in a privileged position and have been able to resolve bad situations, previously through brute force and now by leaving the fool to carry on his farce.

One size doesn't fit all, so the question would require a generative approach to look at each situation individually before finding/identifying possible solutions. A question for someone much more able than I, I reckon. Reckon I...recognise!

Then I saw this:

#eclectic

This is every Johnny Depp character in one cosplay. A bold claim as he has 76 actor credits! I've only managed to count 14 elements to the outfit. Crow, bandanna, hair, glasses, spliff, bow tie, sheriffs badge, pocket watch, scissor hand, camera, coat, plus fours, odd socks, boots, belts? Ok that's 15 and I've given up trying to match the element to the film. But I did come across a porn star with the name Johnny Deep! I did not know IMDB covered porn. Every day is a school day I guess.

Ooh and during a brief meditation session something occurred to me. There is a theory that if you know the position and velocity of every atom in the universe then you can predict the future, Laplace's demon. It sounds so cool right? But with this in place it kind of throws free will out of the window and implies predeterminism. I should mention that I had recently watched Donnie Darko, yep a 13 year old film and I've only just gotten round to watching it. On a macro scale we don't really have much influence and I don't think we ever will.

For example in about 5 billion years, that's 5,000,000,000 years, the sun will start to die. Regardless of the advancements we make in technology I don't think we'll be able to do anything about it. The sun will die and unless we find/develop means to run away the human race will die too.

So whilst what we do day to day can be determined by ourselves e.g. toast or cereal, walk or drive, sit or stand etc. The regular, day to day, humdrum shtuff can be pondered and decided upon. But when we get to a scale, somewhere around our solar system, we are powerless to decide/influence anything.

It's around here that I kind of lost my mind. Feel free to skip up until the you see the bold red Ah.

That said physics is fighting to unify the enormous and the quantum. So that what applies to the very, very small can be stretched to the very big. My mind is rushing around searching for an answer that I can share. The rules/truth is going to be the same across the board, everything is made of the same stuff. I feel my madness leaking a little! Man is but a piece of earth that prances around for a bit before returning to the earth. That is to say every thing that is this body was gathered from the earth. First your mother ate, drank etc. and the food was digested and the nutrients fed to your foetus via the placenta. And as you got older you ate and drank, absorbing nutrients, growing. When you die what was absorbed from the earth will be broken down and reabsorbed. Unless you're frozen/embalmed etc.

So the rules that apply to us apply to them. By them I mean the planets, systems, galaxies etc. Scale defeats me. I am limited by the thinking of my time, what I have learnt and what is perceived to be possible. The realist tells me we will advance and learn to do wonderful things. But we will be limited.

But there is a dreamer a mad voice that sees that we will have the ability to create stars, planets etc. Not just create but rearrange, chop and change. Then there are the monstrosities that even light can not escape from, black holes. Infinitely dense, how can I perceive that! But there are many smarter than me. I take solace in that. I am about average, maybe a little above average but only because I've had some amazing people in my life pushing me to rise just that little bit higher.

Ah so free will! If we become able to influence the cosmos then I think we can safely say free will exists. But it could still all be an incomprehensible domino effect from beginning to end. I was about to launch into yet more back and forth. I'd have more than likely arrived at my usual position: I don't know!

MUSCLES GLASSES IS FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER! If you don't know who that is then what in tarnation have you been doing with your life! Something worthwhile and constructive no doubt :-P

Before I wrap this ill thought out ramble up here's some awesome car doodling: http://www.boredpanda.com/car-art-sharpie-pen-drawing/ I do love a good doodle, as I went on about at some length here. If any enthusiastic doodlers would like to transform my car into a work of art that is still full functional then do get in touch!

What if Michael Jackson was Sri Lankan?

Hot sauce.

Read it in the voice of Harley Morenstein AKA Sauce-boss! Back to the matter in hand, mediocre hot sauce. I'm not a connoisseur, apparently I have no idea how to spell the word connoisseur! Anyway I am not one, I am but a fan of spicy liquids. Where does this perverse tendency burst forth from? I hear you whisper. Perhaps from my lineage...as previously mentioned I am descended from a race of volcano dwelling tree folks. Ah we would feast upon the magma or lava, there is a difference despite the words being  used interchangeably, regularly, in day to day speech. And I know what you're thinking how do tree folk survive in the extreme heat of their chosen volcano habitat? Well we would clad ourselves in confidence thus allowing us to do pretty much anything. I'm obviously being ridiculous as confidence does not give you the ability to do anything, competence does.

It's liquid rock!

Yeah so back to the spicy not so great sauce. I was having a casual shop in Sainsburys for my weekly supplies. My diet consists of mainly fruit and veg with a little bread/pasta/rice for good measure. There was a time when I viewed carbohydrates as the bane of my existence. I don't remember the last time I had sugar, urgh I've become one of those guys! I spot a hot sauce for sale in the reduced produce bit, £1.50 or thereabouts. I am a fan and owing to my phaseleresque tendency to try things I've never tried before, I convince myself to pop it in my trolley. I say convince I basically saw it and immediately put it in my trolley. This tendency was mentioned before, here. Shop done and I'm home time to workout and onwards to lunch! Now I decide to douse my salad in the new hot sauce. It's terrible, it's like ketchup without a kick. I despair before remembering I have an ingredient that adds heat without adding flavour...1,000,000 scoville concentrated pepper extract!

See the neck of the bottle?

Now that blackness is pretty much the colour that the extract is. Well I suppose it's more of a deep, dark red. I add a drop or two and shake the bottle with vigour. I am clad in confidence, based on the previous underwhelming experience of the sauce. It was misplaced I end up having to wash it off several pieces as my mouth, lips, eyes etc. can take nay more!

That's the little label that came with the bottle you can purchase it here if you'd really like. Looks like it was a originally a restaurant that sells a signature sauce.

I should explain the choice of video at the beginning. I love this song! It's upbeat but has an underlying melancholic quality.

I had heard this on MTV many, many years ago and forgotten the name of the song. During a chance MSN conversation with a lovely young lady named Georgia, sweet Georgia, I asked for a song suggestion. She insisted I listen to Hi Tack - Say Say Say. I ignored her suggestion and wandered off into the aether of the internet. Days, perhaps weeks, passed and I asked for another song suggestion. She suggested the same song. This time I found it and was pleasantly surprised! Managed to backtrack and find the original from Georgia's suggestion. Some background on Georgia: Crazy mad swimming skills...that's all I know about Georgia! Just looked her up and she's an ecologist at some kind of environmental concern. Environmental it's the worst kind of mental. Not really the worst kind of mental just a joke I repeat every time I hear, see or smell any word ending in mental. For example fundamental, experimental, instrumental. Oh and I've just remembered that Linda McCartney is in it as well! I had no idea who she was and now I know much more.

I was summoned to a meeting this past weekend. Now I've been involved in any number of projects that never really got off the ground. But this one actually looks like it might. There was a lot of talk of what we'd need. I was extremely out of my depth. I rarely write something with a focus. I let my mind loose and this blog with it's soul destroying word count is the result. But having a crack at fiction has been fun thus far. I get carried away very easily. So I've written a few thousand words already but it was fun! And I suppose that's the point. I write because it's fun :-D Oh and I may have to cease my unceasing effusion of cool stuff I saw online. The meeting descended into a round of subtledildo. Search #subtledildo to see what all the fuss is about.

Incidentally I was reminded of a tale from my final year at university. I may return one day, actually I've been back every year since for one reason or other. Anyway a lovely red haired lady, we first met in the Somerset countryside. I had just skinned my knee prior to a four day process that involved a lot of kneeling. I have the best luck...in the world! She had posted a picture of her alarm clock in her work handbag.  Reminds me of the time I popped off to purchase a pillow in between lectures. My brother had specifically requested a memory foam pillow for his 16th, peculiarity clearly runs in the family. I arrive at the last lecture of the day with a big bag full of pillow. Oddly enough I was notorious for dozing off in the odd lecture and now I'd arrived prepared with my new fancy pillow! Click here to reminisce about my redheadedness

Here's a vid of a blacksmith making Thor's hammer!

Can't go wrong right?

Starting with a classic, can't go wrong right? Wrong, that is rather difficult to understand but I'll assume you're all rather clever. Why wrong, mostly because this song has become associated with the ever popular spinning member gif. If you are unfamiliar with the rotating meat I am referring to then I urge you NOT to google it. Sooner or later it'll likely enter your life and you will be forever scarred/giggly/curious.

So after a month of furious dieting, I get pretty furious when I am calorie restricted, I have lost around 6.5kg. That's just over a stone or 14 pounds. Which puts me back at the weight I was this time last year and the same weight I was in 2007! Do you get my circular reference yet?

Just as the fat is rendering off my physique I get an offer I can rarely refuse, all you can eat buffet! This was offered to me by my fellow crafstman Swapnal. One of a few socially accepted situations for eating more than what is considered civilised/ necessary/ humanly possible. Naturally I headed online to my all you can eat go to guy, Furious Pete. He's a competitive eater who holds the world record for eating a 12 inch pizza in the fastest time, anyone care to guess? 43 seconds. Yep and what makes it more impressive is that you have to use a knife and fork, only eat one slice at a time and whatever is on your fork has to go in your mouth. Oh and he's super ripped.

His advice is to get value for money. Aim to eat three times the cost of the buffet e.g. £20 buffet = £60 worth of food consumed. Eat meat is pretty much the order of the day and high end seafood. Now this sits well with me as I'm planning on only eating protein. But the buffet plan runs out of steam and I'm sat with all this buffet wisdom and nothing to do with it. Like the majority of facts rattling around in my sponge-like brain.

I did have the joy of sitting in several carparks for several hours, this past week. Well that's to do with my current occupation, still steeped in secrecy so I'll leave y'all to draw your own conclusions. Whilst sat in one of the car parks I noticed a lady wearing a cardigan, clutching a fistful of it around the collar bone area. Not so strange as bag straps rest around that area and are notorious for slipping off shoulders. The strange bit is that she was speaking to her hand. As she approached I observed that she was in fact speaking to a puppy that was wrapped in her cardigan around the collar bone area! I also saw a lady who was part of the housekeeping team at Lincoln County, I think here name was Moira. She once told me about how she likes to add whey protein to hot chocolate. I've tried that and it just goes all lumpy and terrible.

I was on Neustadt Welton ward for most of my stay, click here to relive my 5 week journey in four parts!

I also had the chance to sample Morrison's fresh ground coffee, it's truly terrible. Weak and lukewarm. Maybe I just like overly strong coffee. Then again I once had an espresso that's right not expresso but espresso. A truth that was revealed to me by a co worker by the name of Chris. Back to that one time I tried and espresso, it was terrible. But terribly strong not terrible full stop. The acquaintance I was frequenting the establishment with commented that their dad drinks espresso and asked me why I'd gotten espresso? My answer was because I'd never had one before. I did the same with root beer once whilst attempting my one and only eating challenge to date. It's like fizzy deep heat, not my cup of tea. I guess I owe my tendency to try things I never have from Senor Phaseler Yeah so don't bother with Morrison's coffee is what I'm saying.

And now onto the controversy with Frank's Redhot sauce. I knew from previous...observation? I'd read the bottle. I knew it was high in salt and sugar. Strange I know that a hot sauce would be high in sugar! But it is made from peppers and so it makes sense that there's a fair bit of sugar in the concentrated sauce. Somehow or other I end up looking up the product on Amazon. They sell it in bigger bottles and they also have the option to purchase a 3.78 litre bottle. Scale often defeats me so imagine your classic 2.272 litre bottle of milk or 4 pinter in old money. This bottle of hot sauce is 66% bigger! I know statistics make everything way more exciting (!)

1000 words?

Not sure if you can see the label, click pic to enlarge. Says there zero sugar! Now this does not tally with my previous observation. So after a few days of not reading the bottle I've got kicking about the house I read it, lo and behold there's loads of sugar present, at least according to the label. Now I'd been off the hot sauce because of all the salt and sugar. But this confusion left me wanting some spiciness in my life. So I decide to get it out of my system and douse my salad in red hot. Made it a whole lot more interesting. Now I know you all trust me to the ends of the earth but seeing is believing, right? Wrong! Anyone seen swordfish? The film not the animal.

Click to make enormous!

You know this is my desk for sure. For one my centuries old phone is in the background, still works btw. Likely mentioned that the calender runs out, as in when you try and scroll past the 31st of December 2014 it won't let you. It's Y2K all over again! Albeit on a very local level. You may have spotted the scuffed coaster, JD coasters boi! I get JD freebies on account of being awesome. Passport holder, keyrings, calenders, ice cube bags, spice rub, basting brush, signage, cocktail mixer and so on! There is also the egg on top of the reflective ting to the left of the picture. The reflective thins is a another freebie I got from 3M the egg is hewn from onyx. My broskis theory is that if you can get it hatch then you'll get an actual onix.

Cropped and zoomed for your viewing pleasure.

You can see my centuries old phone! Yeah so what's the deal Franks!?!? Why the sugar in your super market stuff? But not in the mahoosive bottles available on amazon!!?!! I think it's a fifo stock management thing but I did briefly go all conspiracy theory an think it was a ploy to keep the UK hooked in a diet that was way too high in sugar. Well now you know...

My dear old dad has exited the country en route to the land of my ancestors, Magrathea. If you get that reference then there is a very special place in my heart for you :-D I am of course descended from people who lived in the vicinity of the Indus valley. Before departing I was asked what I considered success. I gave a generally woolly answer, not a fan of answering such big questions. Something along the lines of it's different for different people. Cash = success, perhaps. I think I landed on leaving the world better than you found it.

Ooh and my old, old dog. Long time readers will be familiar with the living legend that is Tim the Labrador. He featured in my first few blog posts and I recently asked my brother how old he was. Tim lives with me but I am terrible at remembering how old anyone is. He's thirteen, fourteen on the 18th of March next year. Now for some reason or other I thought he was only eleven. Thirteen is ruddy old for a labrador! According to a calculator that makes him 86. In another two years and four months he'd be 100!

He's being have, get it? You can read the older stuff about my awesomely old dog here and here.

Around this time for the past few years I get a bit of a louder shout from life, universe and everything.

2012 my little brother went to uni
2013 I became ruptured two discs and became pretty much paralysed from the waist down
2014 more people moving away, death and cancer.

The death was in a friends family, tragically young. The cancer has nothing to do with anyone I know. Well there is a lovely young lady who is kicking hodgkins lymphoma's ass right now. I know her in so much as I spoke to her whilst representing my house, Johnson, in the the interhouse netball tournie. I sprained my ankle for the millionth time during that tournie. She writes a blog! The cancer that surprised me this time was Furious Pete's. The fella I mentioned earlier. Turns out he had a cancerous testicle, he had it removed and it appears that it hadn't spread so the outlook is promising. His message subsequently was to seek out help if you need it. Don't wait. So this is me repeating that sound advice. Tell someone, call someone, do something.

 

He says it much better than I do. 

So as not to end of such a sombre note here is a fantastic disneyfied cake to fulfil your cake gif needs.

Click to see more about this awesome cake!

Timber!

What comes to mind when you read or hear the word: timber? Is that the correct use of a colon? I dunno! Anyhoo timber conjures up a scene featuring at least one collapsing tree. The buzz of a chainsaw, the repetitive rhythm of the sharpened head of an axe striking wood, creaks and snaps as the lumber slowly yields followed by a rush and thud! Or maybe you think of a guy who is about 40, jumping up and down in suit, declaring willy nilly that he is "Mr. Worldwide"?

If you do then I'd recommend you take a long hard look at your life. Back to timber! So there is a large tree that stands proudly at the front of my familial home in the UK. I feel the need to specify as my family is spread liberally all over the world. Here's a handy list of countries containing my kinsman: Australia, Sri Lanka, India, Dubai, France, Switzerland, Denmark, USA and I'm sure there's more but I don't really keep abreast with the movements of my fam. I really can't get away with using that particular contraction, at least now we know.

It's the christmas tree looking mofo in front of the house! Also click to enlarge photo and see things in uber megapixelness.

As you can see it was eclipsing the house and the roots were encroaching on the foundation. There is only one answer, move the house. But we are not at a level of technology where such things are so easily doable. Houses are such a weird idea. I'd like to return to the same place for the conceivable future guess I'd better build/buy somewhere. We used to be travelling tribes, nomads. When we ceased being nomads we all went crazy...get it?

How honest Abe does it.

So instead we hired tree surgeons to slash up the tree. The fella said they'd be there after dinner. For me that means anytime after 13:00. It rolls around to 15:00 and I'm thinking they are not gonna show. 16:00 and they arrive. I'm thinking this is going to take at least a few hours. It's far too big to do the classic felling method. I thought they'd climb up top, cut away the branches and then cut sections. I was close but not cigar.

They one dude slowly scaling the tree, methodically cutting all the branches as he goes. He's armed with a petrol chainsaw. I've got a chainsaw and it looks like a toy compare to this thing. He's it makes short work of everything. As he's tearing up the tree he pauses shouts to his partner, he's chucking the wood into a wood chipper. He deftly drops a nest into the outstretched hands of the man on the ground. Turns out there were two wood pigeon chicks in it! They are placed carefully in a nearby shrub/bush. When does a bush become a shrub or vice versa?

Branches all done, nest expertly dealt with, onwards to the trunk. The thick bit in the middle is despatched with the same ruthless efficiency that the branches were. As the heavy sections of wood hit the ground the vibrations travel through the house. Oh and there was a number of bystanders staring in slack jawed awe. Start to finish how long do you think it too to take the tree apart? Leaving a six foot stump.

Before and after or after and before. Depending on how you view time...

So do you have a number of minutes, seconds, hours for the job? Well it took 30 minutes. I was severely amazed! If you need any sort of tree surgery, landscaping or hedge laying then they're called Simpson Arboriculture based out of Ancaster.

Pretty adorable right?

Not the end of this particular story. This is them just after all was chopped and chipped. Just chilling being infants. I got all snap happy, I know it's really not like me, and took lots of pics. They have a doting parent/s, I can't tell the difference. It may be one pigeon or two. This bird went mental looking for these two for the rest of the day. Flying, walking, making the hooting noise pigeons do. I was amping myself up to take the baby birds under my wing. I'd even done a brisk google search on what the fudge to feed them.

A few hours later I noticed that one of them had fallen from the nest and was awkwardly wedged in the foliage. I was unsure of what to do, if anything. At this point it was unclear if the parent bird would locate the chicks or if I would have to surrogate. By touching the baby bird I could leave my man stench all over it making the parent fearful. Fearful that it's sweet baby had morphed into a bearded, burly man child. My pops arrives an instructs me to cease being such a jessie and put the bird back in it's nest. As I do so I come into contact with a level of softness that is reserved for baby birds. Placing the bird back in the nest was easy, it's sibling seemed dubious about it's return.

The next morning dadatron spots the parent with the nest, looks like I won't be needed to take the role of surrogate pigeon mother. As the days pass I glance them from time to time as I walk past their nest. They sit and silently stare back. My mother did a spot of digging and they sat eagerly staring at the new activity unfolding beneath them.

About a week after their big move

So now they've flown the nest! Only a week and one day since they were moved. Bye bye little dudes. It was awesome to have met you and indelicately replaced one of you back in the nest. May you go forth and be the best pigeons you can be...

Suits, the Doctor and a walk up the hill with a shrill cow...

This was all supposed to go down on the 15th but in classic last minute presto chango tradition Mark Taylor changed it to the 23rd. The beginning of series 8 of Dr Who was not influenced by the fickle heart of a man from Barnsley. And contrary to popular belief he is a man....who loves milk.

So I get there around 4ish and have a bit of a mare parking, I never learnt to parallel park. Nailed it first time round so my instructor thought "He's a natural!" But it was a series of flukes and I suck at parallel parking. I bought way too much protein and as it turns out way too much alcohol. Ah here's where I met Dan, an old friend of Swapnal's from his days as a bad student man in Leicester. I assume he's moved into the converted church hall but nope he just lives close.

Stepping outside to get food from Coop we realise it's raining. Barely rain, fine rain soaks you through, if you get that reference I may marry you! It's warm and the rain is barely there so it's dubbed Caribbean. Waiting for my fellow craftsman to finish up a smoke I point out where I first struck a stationary object with a large refrigerated object. Lincoln you hold so many ridiculous dairy memories. Wandering around the Coop I am feeling the urge to purchase unnecessary tat e.g. sponges, pastries and sandwich fillings. It's around now I am informed of the half bottle of Disaronno that'll be on it's way to the party. I've purchased another bottle, almondy! Also Dan is a programmer, a mysterious art that I am curious about but have never delved deeply into.

So it's naturally time to bang on Suits season 3, old news but still well worth watching. Charles is on the couch and excited about the impending formally attired awesome. There is the fall out from the end of season 2 and things settle down, sort of. I do notice that things are ever so silent, you know like when you are in a theatre/cinema. You feel that you have to be quiet. Ah the aha moment! It's what House was all about, something seemingly run of the mill sparking an inspired moment of genius. Whilst watching Suits I consume most of a tin of pringles, 25 wings, 2 scotch eggs and an unspecified quantity of beer. Ooh the Suits drinking game! Oh and Suit spoilers if you aren't up to speed, nothing mind blowing just little bits n bobs.

Rules for aforementioned game are nicked verbatim from here.

Drink if:
1.) Someone holds an intense conversation in the hallway.
2.) Mike interrupts Rachel in her office and asks “Do you have a sec?” or “Are you busy?” then proceeds to ask her help anyway.
3.) Mike goes behind Harvey’s back, despite Harvey specifically saying not to.
4.) Mike or Harvey has a case-winning epiphany (Pro-tip: This usually involves something that was brought-up at the start of the episode).
5.) Someone references a pop-culture event/character.
6.) Harvey and Jessica engage in light flirting.
7.) Harvey and Louis/Mike engage in light bromance.
8.) Mike and Rachel engage in light flirting. But still no sex.
9.) Jessica asserts her “Queen Bee” image. (Pro-tip: Comes with a reference to her name “being on the company logo”)
10.) Louis becomes the antagonist.
11.) Louis redeems himself and becomes morally ambiguous once again.
12.) Someone bribes Donna.

Drink TWICE/ Finish a full glass when:
1.) Plot reveals Pearson-Hardman is in trouble.Again.
2.) Plot reveals Mike’s secret is in danger of being exposed. Again.
3.) Someone in your drinking group points out that Daniel Hardman is actually Gale from Breaking Bad. 
4.) Someone in your drinking group tries to sing the incomprehensible opening song
5.) Michael Jordan’s name is mentioned.
7.) Louis’ gold-trimmed nail-cutter comes up.
8.) Mike screws up his relationship with Rachel (despite it being in the bag).
9.) Mike smokes a doobie.
10.) The can-opener is shown.

Finish the whole bottle when:
1.) Mike and Ross finally have sex.
2.) Donna and Harvey have sex.
3.) Jessica and Harvey kiss.
4.) Someone socks Louis in the jaw.

We added when Louis is Louis or if he whips out his dictaphone. There is a strong, black woman playing a Judge, I lean in and enquire if the acctress is the same one who played Aunt Viv in the fresh prince. It's not her, when they cut to a scene in the Judge's chambers it's not even close! Then there's a fellow who plays Robert Zane, Charles tells us he was Bunk in the Wire. Swapnal was about to tell me he was in Fresh Prince, because you know...I'm racist.

Now comes the long awaited debut of Capaldi as the Doctor! I'm expecting darkness etc. Basically Malcolm Tucker in slightly different clothes. It was surprising. If you haven't seen it then spoilers below, look for the red writing to show you where they end. He's confused, fair enough he's just regenerated. He rants furiously and speaks about his attack eyebrows!

Attack eyebrows!

Drax hits Clara in the face with the paper! Lesbian kiss, didn't even realise it was a big deal till the complaints rained in. Guess I'm not so prejudiced when it comes to sexuality. The feels moment when Matt Smith's Doctor calls Clara and Capaldi gets uber emotional. It's pretty damn emotional. Then there's the mystery that is Missy! I initially thought it was the master, Dan suggested it could be the Rani. My favourite theory is that she is all the Claras coalescing into one being.

So the time is here for us to journey up the hill. I'm not feeling phased as I fear no terrain! But I really dislike the hill. Oh and I've got a shrill cow for Mark. So we arrive at Mark's gated flat, there's a gate code etc. And we walk up to the first floor and knock commandingly on the door. The lights are off and it's oddly silent. Not what you'd expect for a party. Scratch that, not what you'd expect if Mark Taylor is anywhere in the vicinity. Turns out it was the wrong door so we scarper up the stairs to the flat with the door wide open. Yep security not one of Tintin's strong suits along with diplomacy, subtlety, boundaries or short order cooking. Did you know a man once burst through his back door whilst he was on all fours cleaning the oven in his pants? No...well you do now! As we enter, beer pong is in session and we realise that the party is almost exclusively being attended by those of the XY persuasion. In other words sausages a plenty. Probably something to do with Mark's milkshake.

Mark does some quick introductions but he's not so sure about the name of the only lass in attendance, Karina? So I implore him to sound off and see if she responds, she does! But instead of shrugging it off as nothing Mark explains in great detail why he was calling her name for no apparent reason. No secret! And that's why we all love him.

Swap convinces Dan to have a beer, one beer can't hurt right? Dan swiftly progresses to sipping neat chilli vodka from a mug, as you do. Oh yes we are incorporating the scorchingly hot concoction into the beer pong. Mark brings out some solid steel shot glasses and two hip flasks, a gift from his darling mother. The progress is a little hazy but I bust out some hot pringles as I'm not feeling the buzz anymore. It's always been a bit of an uphill battle getting inebriated to a comfortable level, so I'm casually drinking a mug full of Disaronno, as you do. Then everyone retires to the balcony for a schmoke, I was there for the pancakes but alas there was no room for pancakes. I think the space out there was meant for two, perhaps three, we had eight out there. The floor is rubberised which Nathan declares is a rubber solstice. The awesomely name Dominic Darnell, double D, asks me what I do. Well in all honestly I never really did a whole lot so I explain how I used to be an occasional milk man and GDB.

At this point Swap asks me if I'm eager to hit the clubs, I am not as I'm old and weary. So we draw up a plan to head back to Eastbourne Street, drink beer and watch suits. This plan is quickly abandoned. Why? I have no idea but I love to dance so why not! Mark quickly makes out with the shrill cow and it's time to make our way to the club. Which club is still up open for discussion. I fill a hip flask with almondy goodness and crack open an ale. Upon exiting the flat Dan tells us of how he can find his way home but he's useless at giving directions in Lincoln. I declare that he is much like a homing pigeon in the respect.

We walk downhill, it is not I rediscover how steep the hill can be. On the way up you don't see it, you feel it for shizzle, on the way down you see the steepness. I think there was a pause to extract cloth from a machine. During which I open the hip flask and start sipping, I really feel like a bit of a closet alcoholic. Not at all giddy etc. Mark is trying to banter a deal with a geezer to get us in for free. Birthdays, hen and stag dos etc get in for free. In the queue some lad behind us is extracted and ejected. Why? I do not know. I have a hip flask in my pocket and it's ever so obvious. Upon entering Swap disappears and reappears drink in hand, he's exhibiting a level of craftiness rarely seen outside of ACUK HQ.

Standing around having a bit of a mine as a mate of mine would say. I always thought it meant to move camply around. But apparently it's a southern phrase for wasting time, I think. And there's Hannah! Now I knew she was bar-tending, waitressing, promoting a club in a Lincoln but I didn't know which one. I'm being too cool for school and not saying hi, actually it's mostly because it's loud in clubs and I've never had a meaningful conversation in one. Ever. I think we get drinks and head upstairs. This is where we lose Dom, Alex, Nathan, Mark and Ian. Leaving me, Swap and Dan. We wander around the main dance floor searching, looking rather gormless. Swapnal doesn't do gormless he's permanently set to smoulder.



It's all about looking around.

We decide to cut our losses and hit the dance floor. It's hot, I have a hoodie on...MISTAKE!!!! And then I spot Gavin! For those who don't know Gavin is a kick as guitarist in a band by the name of Borders, he's the one with the mohawk. They've got a music vid too, clicky to see, hear and be awoken. Not easy listening before bed probs great running music, you have been warned. As is my way I take photos. At this point some lasses get involved because girls love cameras? I dunno. Dan pulls a tried and tested "let's get one with just the two of you" #crafty.

At some point we head downstairs and find Nathan! Jaegerbombs. Then the order of things gets a little fuzzy. I think I found my long lost kinsman Simon Foster, he's as tall as they come hence why I could pick him out in the crowd. My first memory of him is at a whole school photo. Arranged by height me and Si are tallest in our year. He kept growing, I stopped at a very average 5ft 11 but I was that height aged 12! We have a meaningless conversation, get an old man to take our picture and head upstairs to grab a drink. Meaningless in the sense I can not hear a damn thing he's saying and vice versa. Upon getting to the bar upstairs I discover Mark et al. I immediately inform Si that I must retrieve my bondsman from the main dance floor before the mythical Mark Taylor takes flight. Upon my return I see he's ingratiated himself with a hen party, the guy is all kinds of awesome. I glance away and he disappears, no mean feat for a man so tall.

Mark is having a chat with a random, standard. Walking downstairs to get outside for a bit of fresh air I am encouraged to jump into the fray. By which I mean an unknown young an assumed because of my general bulk I would want to get involved in an altercation of the physical nature. I am in no mood so give him my most convincing nice guy face edged with a hint of  "say what again!" He backs off.

Then come the smoulders! Mark wants to smoulder so Swapnal assumes the role of smoulder master. The first attempt was pretty good. Then Dan has to get in on the action, he reverses the smoulder. Directionally speaking. Dominic inquires if I've played wind waker, I should explain I am wearing the king of geek t shirts. Aptly named the "geeky hallows"

Can you name all the fandoms there within?

Just for Eleanor we've got Gandalfs staff - top left, next to the master sword from Zelda, a lightsaber - top right, the 11th Doctors sonic screw driver - bottom left, generic wand from Harry Potter - bottom right, the inscription from the one ring from Lord of the Rings in the middle and it all add up to the sign for the Deathly Hallows. Back to Dominic's question and no I haven't played Wind Waker. He's outraged! How can I wear such a shirt!?!? I calmly reassure him that I've had a crack at the Ocarina or Time and Twilight Princess. He chills and chats to Dan about Wind Waker.

Oh and then we're back on the main dance floor. Now I am tired, physically. Quads cramping, feet aching a little and obliques spazzing out. Not ideal for dancing but any excuse :D. So at this point Dan disappears. Turns out he's headed home, like a pigeon. On the dancefloor it's a little crowded and a fight or two kick off. To our credit we steer well clear and then something peculiar happened. A girl in a light pastel blue top stands walks up to me an stops about an inch away. Doesn't look at me, doesn't say anything just stops and stands there. I look around to see if anyone has any idea what is occurring. They don't so I wait and sure enough as suddenly as she arrived she departs.

03:00 rolls around and we head to McDonalds. Nathan bails at Guildhall street. Getting to McDonalds is half the battle now we must queue. I order the casual Big Mac and 4 double cheese burgers. I really need a wee as does Mark. But alas they've cordoned off the toilets, wise move as at 03:00 there's no telling what kind of shenanigans would occur there within. I am pacing and show Ian how you can expand the wax sauce cups so you can carry more sauce. He's not impressed he retorts with "why not just get more cups?" I have no idea I don't even want sauce! I now realise Mark has disappeared, he slipped through the blockade, three cones and something akin to a seatbelt. I have no idea what it's called. It's retractable an you can clip it...anyway. On his return I leg it up the stairs, there's music on in the bathrooms making it somewhat eerie.

Waiting for the big mac...it take forever. And Mark nearly kicks off with a lovely fellow customer. He comments with something along the lines of "Most people are brought up, some are dragged up!" Anyhoo the big mac arrives, or le big mac if your in Europe. We are heading back to Marks to drink an be merry, change of plan we a splitting up an heading to bed as it's late. Mark has my beer, unlikely it'll still be there next time. Whenever that is.

Walking back to Eastbourne Street is a familiar journey. I feel a giddy wave of nostalgia, the most powerful of dragons. No one will get that! Upon arriving a realise I've still got Mark's hipflask. Now Swapnal has Mark's hipflask. Swap bangs on Bojack Horseman, he explains he's a horse who's and actor etc. It's good you should watch it. Then we go to bed, separate beds this time. Not like the first time or like earlier this year. They are lengthy but cover two excellent nights. One on the town the other in a converted church/bachelor pad/dreamatorium.

Upon arising I shower and head upstairs. Suits marathon continues. Breakfast is being discussed and I eat two scotch eggs. I have purchased a plain pizza and german lunchmeat to place upon it. It's good! I depart shortly thereafter and head home. I am about to sit down and rest my aching bones when my dear old dad asks me to aid him in painting the bathroom. I am a "nice" guy so I can't say no. And that ladies and gentlemen is that.