By the knights of Columbus...

It's actually my birthday!

The title has nothing to do with this post. And I've not picked a vid to head it up. Hmmm you know who can handle this problem? Future me! Google analytics! Lets me see interesting things like what countries people are in while they read my blogs. It at least tells me where their IP is. This week there were two folk from Argentina and Moscow reading this! Hello Argentinian and Russian reader!

It's unlikely they would read that greeting because I have 88% new readers this week! My readership isn't increasing I appear to be attracting around the same number of people each week with little overlap between their venn diagrams.

Look at the pie chart, just look at it! I am a fan of a good graph, or a bad graph. Bad graphs are much more amusing than good ones. I wonder if I could create a graph to display how much more amusing they are.

Quantifying a qualitative thing is something that makes me grimace like a monkey sucking a lemon. I've been reading How To Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran. This is a question I've given little thought to. Mostly because I am a man, more or less. I have always thought that women get the short end of the stick though, i.e. it's easier being a man. The book's been amusing and thought provoking thus far, only on page 80 of 300 or so 25.6% of the way through.

I bring up the book because I had to dry it out today. My genius father has returned! He's been abroad for a few months spreading the word about the benefits of classical hata yoga, in the country of my birth. He never stops! Like an elder, asian, energizer bunny with shiny brown skin. I think it's something to do with collagen, no idea why though. He brought a bag back from his travels, rinsed it out and left it to dry precariously placed over my copy of How To Be a Woman. The book should look something like this. Now looks like this:

I must add that this is post dehydration. I've not said drying because if I had sensibly dried the book I think it wouldn't have become so very crispy and ruffled. Moral of the story is keep your books out of the bathroom and if you dry them be sure to not use a high powered fan heater. In an attempt to flatten it out a little I have piled ten other books on top of it. I'll keep you updated on the status of my crinkly copy of How To Be a Woman.

Thanks to my lazy writing schedule days have passed and the book has been suitably flattened! View the pleasing results of my ten book press below. So yesterday I went off to watch Mockingjay Pt 1 and it was ok! But it wouldn't be yours truly if I did not spin a yarn about my silent beef with the cinema's employees and my contortion in the carpark!

A little discoloured but most definitely usable.

Hadn't been to the cinema in a while, mostly because there was nothing good to see and partly because I've been exam hermitting. This is a process by which I become even more of a recluse. It's usually accompanied by the growth of an exceptionally bushy beard and this time was nay exception. I grew a most fearsome of black beards. On account of it be the vember of Mo's, get it? I have bared my blunted chin :-D

It's a work day and I'm heading into the city centre, as you can imagine parking spaces are in short supply. I know there'll be a fair few at the top of a multi-storey affair near the cinema. The problem is that there are enormous support pillars next to these spaces making alighting from one side or t'other a little tricky. I overcome this by clambering over to the passenger side, my level of flexibility has decreased severely since my back woes. I actually manage to cramp both hamstrings in the process, man it's awesome being this old :-/ After all that effort I realise I've parked like an absolute douche, barely in the space. My delicate honour will not allow me to leave this situation without at least trying to rectify it. So I re-enter my vehicle and twist myself back into the driver's side, turns out it's easier to manoeuvre facing the backrest, straddling the hand brake with your rear proudly pointed at the windscreen. Now you know! I also correct my parking faux pas and make my exit.

As I approach the cinema heads are turning and I am getting many wary looks. I put it down to my way of walking, with purpose. It's how I usually walk but it's being amplified by my poor gauge of how cold it was, ruddy freezing! Oh and I am rather burly and dark of skin. If a large, dark object were moving at considerable speed in your vicinity then I'd completely understand if you felt the need to stare :-P

Upon arriving at the cinema I inspect the ticket machines and decide they are out of order. I approach the popcorn and drinks counter, they've recently replaced the ticket counter with a coffee or ice cream counter. I was not paying attention as I was walking with great intensity towards the lad behind the counter. I enquire about my ticket, already purchased online and only require a pick up. He tells me it'd be easier if I use one of the machines. Mayhap I was too hasty to judge the machines broken. Upon close inspection they are indeed broken! My ire is beginning to flare.

Set eyebrows to attack...

I hurtle towards the counter but I'm beaten there by two middle aged women. My queueing condition kicks in and I wait, patiently stewing. One of the ladies does a double take. And the other out right stares at me. Amusing, maybe my attack eyebrows are attracting their attention. Here's when I lost it. Another employee makes a "test" call to the lad who is faffing about behind the counter. Usually I would have found such hijinks hilarious but my ire was already bubbling up and this blatant tomfoolery pushed me into full letter writing mode! Got my ticket, calmed the hell down and watched the film.

It was indeed ok. Now I don't find myself particularly overly attached to any characters here. Other than Peeta Melark, I love that guy. There was a little action and you could definitely tell the story was being stretched, lots of talking in bunkers. The ending was awesome but I'd pretty much agree with my Aussie brother from another mother, if you can help it wait till next year and watch it back to back with the last one. There were character's names etc being used in this film and I had no idea who they were talking about. And I have a pretty good memory for that kind of stuff. There is a message that is not so covertly conveyed about the use of propaganda in the film, that was the best bit for me :D Also the technical sorcery that the man in the wheelchair with glasses was pulling off.

It was on the drive home that I managed to fathom what all the staring was about, my stache! I was stuck in traffic and I'm pretty sure a lass in a car tapped her mate's shoulder to point out my facial hair. In 2008 I attempted something similar and the results were less than satisfactory, this time around I think I've cracked it.

Lego beard conquerers

Movember it's all about awareness! So spread the word!!!