By the knights of Columbus...

It's actually my birthday!

The title has nothing to do with this post. And I've not picked a vid to head it up. Hmmm you know who can handle this problem? Future me! Google analytics! Lets me see interesting things like what countries people are in while they read my blogs. It at least tells me where their IP is. This week there were two folk from Argentina and Moscow reading this! Hello Argentinian and Russian reader!

It's unlikely they would read that greeting because I have 88% new readers this week! My readership isn't increasing I appear to be attracting around the same number of people each week with little overlap between their venn diagrams.

Look at the pie chart, just look at it! I am a fan of a good graph, or a bad graph. Bad graphs are much more amusing than good ones. I wonder if I could create a graph to display how much more amusing they are.

Quantifying a qualitative thing is something that makes me grimace like a monkey sucking a lemon. I've been reading How To Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran. This is a question I've given little thought to. Mostly because I am a man, more or less. I have always thought that women get the short end of the stick though, i.e. it's easier being a man. The book's been amusing and thought provoking thus far, only on page 80 of 300 or so 25.6% of the way through.

I bring up the book because I had to dry it out today. My genius father has returned! He's been abroad for a few months spreading the word about the benefits of classical hata yoga, in the country of my birth. He never stops! Like an elder, asian, energizer bunny with shiny brown skin. I think it's something to do with collagen, no idea why though. He brought a bag back from his travels, rinsed it out and left it to dry precariously placed over my copy of How To Be a Woman. The book should look something like this. Now looks like this:

I must add that this is post dehydration. I've not said drying because if I had sensibly dried the book I think it wouldn't have become so very crispy and ruffled. Moral of the story is keep your books out of the bathroom and if you dry them be sure to not use a high powered fan heater. In an attempt to flatten it out a little I have piled ten other books on top of it. I'll keep you updated on the status of my crinkly copy of How To Be a Woman.

Thanks to my lazy writing schedule days have passed and the book has been suitably flattened! View the pleasing results of my ten book press below. So yesterday I went off to watch Mockingjay Pt 1 and it was ok! But it wouldn't be yours truly if I did not spin a yarn about my silent beef with the cinema's employees and my contortion in the carpark!

A little discoloured but most definitely usable.

Hadn't been to the cinema in a while, mostly because there was nothing good to see and partly because I've been exam hermitting. This is a process by which I become even more of a recluse. It's usually accompanied by the growth of an exceptionally bushy beard and this time was nay exception. I grew a most fearsome of black beards. On account of it be the vember of Mo's, get it? I have bared my blunted chin :-D

It's a work day and I'm heading into the city centre, as you can imagine parking spaces are in short supply. I know there'll be a fair few at the top of a multi-storey affair near the cinema. The problem is that there are enormous support pillars next to these spaces making alighting from one side or t'other a little tricky. I overcome this by clambering over to the passenger side, my level of flexibility has decreased severely since my back woes. I actually manage to cramp both hamstrings in the process, man it's awesome being this old :-/ After all that effort I realise I've parked like an absolute douche, barely in the space. My delicate honour will not allow me to leave this situation without at least trying to rectify it. So I re-enter my vehicle and twist myself back into the driver's side, turns out it's easier to manoeuvre facing the backrest, straddling the hand brake with your rear proudly pointed at the windscreen. Now you know! I also correct my parking faux pas and make my exit.

As I approach the cinema heads are turning and I am getting many wary looks. I put it down to my way of walking, with purpose. It's how I usually walk but it's being amplified by my poor gauge of how cold it was, ruddy freezing! Oh and I am rather burly and dark of skin. If a large, dark object were moving at considerable speed in your vicinity then I'd completely understand if you felt the need to stare :-P

Upon arriving at the cinema I inspect the ticket machines and decide they are out of order. I approach the popcorn and drinks counter, they've recently replaced the ticket counter with a coffee or ice cream counter. I was not paying attention as I was walking with great intensity towards the lad behind the counter. I enquire about my ticket, already purchased online and only require a pick up. He tells me it'd be easier if I use one of the machines. Mayhap I was too hasty to judge the machines broken. Upon close inspection they are indeed broken! My ire is beginning to flare.

Set eyebrows to attack...

I hurtle towards the counter but I'm beaten there by two middle aged women. My queueing condition kicks in and I wait, patiently stewing. One of the ladies does a double take. And the other out right stares at me. Amusing, maybe my attack eyebrows are attracting their attention. Here's when I lost it. Another employee makes a "test" call to the lad who is faffing about behind the counter. Usually I would have found such hijinks hilarious but my ire was already bubbling up and this blatant tomfoolery pushed me into full letter writing mode! Got my ticket, calmed the hell down and watched the film.

It was indeed ok. Now I don't find myself particularly overly attached to any characters here. Other than Peeta Melark, I love that guy. There was a little action and you could definitely tell the story was being stretched, lots of talking in bunkers. The ending was awesome but I'd pretty much agree with my Aussie brother from another mother, if you can help it wait till next year and watch it back to back with the last one. There were character's names etc being used in this film and I had no idea who they were talking about. And I have a pretty good memory for that kind of stuff. There is a message that is not so covertly conveyed about the use of propaganda in the film, that was the best bit for me :D Also the technical sorcery that the man in the wheelchair with glasses was pulling off.

It was on the drive home that I managed to fathom what all the staring was about, my stache! I was stuck in traffic and I'm pretty sure a lass in a car tapped her mate's shoulder to point out my facial hair. In 2008 I attempted something similar and the results were less than satisfactory, this time around I think I've cracked it.

Lego beard conquerers

Movember it's all about awareness! So spread the word!!!

The 1st day of March, again...

The more observant amongst you may have experienced a sense of dejavu upon reading the title. Well That's because the first day of March rolls around every year :-P And I was in Lincoln hanging at Eastbourne Street with some rather fabulous peeps! If you want to see the original then clicky and read, it's one of my favourites!

So I'll do my best to run down the night as it happened. The problem is that my usually crystal clear memory has become clouded...I blame Unicum. It kicks like this guy.

What's not to like?

Don't let the sweetly smiling lady fool you that stuff is possibly the worst liqueur...in the world. It has to be watered down by a factor of 100 I reckon. But I think its been well and truly retired after triggering visceral reactions neat and uncontrollable grimacing when mixed.

So my clouded mind aside the day began with a trip to Lincoln around 12:00. I headed to Yarborough leisure centre to be instructed in the mysterious ways of the Roller Derby NSO. Powerpoint + roller derby means I am pretty much enjoying myself to the max. So after the workshop there's some time so I go off and read some behavioural science mumbo jumbo. I wander back and lean against a wall in the hall reading. One of the bombers tries to engage me in conversation, nips, unprepared I may have flashed a snarl. It's my default setting from my years as a bad man backstreet brawler or maybe it's from my years as a rugby player. Nah come to think of it it's probably from the 2-3 years I spent being trained in classical and jazz dance. I've said too much...

So in my confusion I am way to curt, note to self be nicer. I am handed a clipboard and placed in the centre of the track. A perspective I have never seen before and it feels a little odd to be literally in the middle of it all. For about 30 seconds I get disorientated as my eyes try and track skaters whilst in the middle. I get over this and re-familiarise myself with my task. That is tracking penalties: who, what and when. Sounds simple enough so I'm relaxed and looking pretty chill. And then the first jam kicks off and I realise that I have to spin around on the spot following play and the speed of the game is reinforced again! Why do I keep forgetting the break neck pace at which derby takes place? I do miss the odd call but Carolyn and Mel are on hand to quiz the refs allowing me to maintain an air of of silence. It's over way too fast and I disappear without saying my goodbyes. I do hate goodbyes.

And then I head to Tesco! Now It's 16:00 and Swap informed me that any time after 18:00 would be not too early for the party. I'll take my time and get my browse on. I purchase: 25x chicken wings, 4 x scotch eggs, 2 x bacon and egg bites, 4 x hunters sausage, 2 x chicken kiev bites, 6 x Mcoys, crate of Guinness, Umbongo, Pepsi, soda water and apple juice. The moral of the story is do not shop whilst hungry, I'd skipped lunch. I fill my face in the car before heading to the party. Upon arrival I can not spot a single parking space that my questionable parallel parking skills well let me park in, park!

So I drive around the block and head back down. I spot a space and try to pack my car into it to no avail. It is now that I spot Swapnal staring at me  he has been dumbstruck by my parking ineptitude. So I tell him I'm gonna park on the next street over and I start lugging my gear in. Walking up the stairs I spot a large black box with the Xfactor sign in the middle. I assume that is either Swap's or Vicky's costume. As I head back outside Swap suggests that if he moves his car forward I could park behind rather easily thus eliminating my parking problems. Common sense often eludes me.

Reformatted front room

So we sit and talk about the state of the world and how constant news updates just reinforce the fact that we are headed for oblivion. So beer? Yes...much beer. Andrew arrives and I enquire as to what I should call him, other than Andrew as it's too formal. He says whatever so Swap suggests Drew! I've only ever met one Drew and he was my boss...ex boss. Now that leaves a little wiggle room. The more reasonable amongst you will go straight to the "He must have lost his job" or "His boss, Drew, must have lost his job". But I know that's not how my mind works and contrary to popular belief, we are not so different you and I. Does anyone get that reference? It's all over the place in popular culture :-D First spotted it in Austin Powers. So ex-boss could mean that somehow I burnt through my seemingly limitless reserves of calm and busted him on the pavement!

He informs us that his daughter is due round tomorrow so maybe he'll be having a relatively tame night, nah. Vicky pops up and starts the cooking process. Pizza, sausage rolls, spring rolls and cheese goujons. I've never typed the word goujon before and my spell check does not recognise it. The first and only suggestion on the list was gorgon. Cheese gorgon...tasty. Vicky explains the intricacies of her costume extend beyond X factor, shit TV in general and extracts my present. A book has this quote on the back "Here is a test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't" Dan arrives and upon seeing my sizeable shoulders he invites me to partake in some lifting of the heavy nature. I regrettably had to decline on account of my crumbling spine. I am deceptively brittle.

Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/richardbac101049.html#ffI7YrYzsm7q2iko.99

We costume up: I have taken the form of a panda, Swapnal a chav gangster and Andy a bishop. I should explain that the theme of tonight's event is things you'd like to put into room 101. I was expecting a strong backlash and Vicky doesn't disappoint she instantly jumps to panda's defence. But after my barrage of facts she ceases her defence or decides I am a lost cause and moves on. Throughout the night everyone was surprisingly open to putting the cutest endangered bears into room 101. Swap dislikes wannabe gangster chavs, which is fair enough they are really, really annoying. Andy has come a bishop but he is representing all religion, I don't like organised religion. But then again I don't really like rules.

1 in 4 pandas will tear your face off. The others will just bow down all cute and what not.

My reasons for wanting to put pandas into room 101 are because they are a bear that eats bamboo. They are sooooooo ill adapted to eating bamboo that they have to eat 10-20kg a day. That's right their digestive systems are still in carnivore mode! They don't mate enough! And most females get postpartum depression. I love the animal it's terribly cute and get is surprised by sneezes. But they just won't cut it. You can get rid of all funding and they will survive. Why? Because they are a Chinese icon. Pretty sure all pandas are owned by China. Also I am backed up by Chris Packham, wildlife expert, and Ricky Gervais, all round legend.

Panda rant done back to the party :D So now come Harry, Emily and a lad whose name I didn't catch! I only realise now that I did not ascertain his name. Next time....Emily has come as Marmite not much more to say on the subject as I wholeheartedly dislike marmite. Myself, Swap and Andy take a stand so as to greet the newcomers. Bit of chatter and we rearrange ourselves on the seating in order to try and encourage everyone to fill up the seats. We had been occupying 2 sofas and a pew. We are now occupying one sofa and a pew. I was being surly and refusing to move. Now arrive Dan, in costume, and Gareth, Dan's bro.

Dan is dressed in an old school american military uniform with a white stick, dark shades and an american flag. I had no idea what he'd come as and didn't ask him on the night! I was too busy being a panda. Lookig back I think he may have come as blind nationalism? Gareth has dressed up as Bruno Mars. And just in case his outfit was too subtle he has is wearing a self labelling t shirt. This surely signals a battle of epic proportions. Our Swapnal is a notorious Bruno Mars impersonator. Well he pops on a fedora and is, more or less, constantly told he looks like Bruno Mars.

I am running low on writing juice so I shall retire for the night and return upon the morrow! It's been a week since the event so my thoughts have been pieced together. I remember now that one of Vicky's mates from uni arrived whilst I was downstairs and I stood back not wanting to disrupt their reunion. Little embarrassing but I didn't take the time to ask her her name :-S. Or at least confirm her name. I did hear it being used throughout the night but in my, somewhat, inebriated state I can't be 100% sure what it was. I have three options: Gianna, Chianna or Rihanna. I think the first one is most likely, only time will tell. I'm going to refer to her as Cruella as that was her costume on the night, a stand against fur for fashion.

It's around this point that Bruce and Laura arrive. Bruce is blue cheese complete with grapes and crackers for garnish, genius! Laura has come as Harry Potter I did not ask why but I'm not a massive fan of Harry as a main character. He's a little too Hugh Grant, admittedly I've only ever seen the films so perhaps I'm off the mark. Oh Mark! He was on his way to York and gave me a call before everything kicked off. He informed me of his Subway purchases and told me the story. Doesn't matter where I go in life I don't think I'll ever come across anyone quite like Mark James Taylor.

It's around now that everyone pops out for another smoke leaving me sat on my pew like a lemon. I dislike being citrus of any kind so I burst into action and engage Gareth in conversation about work and driving etc. I learn that he did contemplate "blacking up" to make his Bruno Mars costume more authentic. But was worried about the potential backlash when walking through Lincoln town centre. The smokers return and I think this is when I got started on spirits. Vodka Umbongo didn't go down too well but was vastly improved by the addition of a little fizz.

They drink it in the congo

I advance and somehow strike up a conversation with Laura. I had to ask her her name twice. I am terrible with names unless I learn your full name. Then I should be able to recall it regardless of the last time I saw you. This idiosyncrasy was pointed out to me by the one...the only...I.T. Helpdesk III! The one piece of info that sticks in my memory is that she told me her daughter was 21 months old and she was not looking forwards to the terrible twos. Andy has a a two year old daughter and swings in with many tales to terrify Laura further.

I am notice something involving straws is occurring. It would appear Cruella is crafting a construction out of straws. I enquire as to what and why. It's a giant straw for Vicky to use as her most awesome TV costume does not allow for easy access to beverages. Cruella is having a bit of a mare as she's wearing satin gloves thus making deft straw manoeuvring an impossible task. I offer to help as I have the dexterity of a surgeon. My hands are so gentle that I am able to handle ants between my thumb and forefinger with no damage coming to the insect. A skill that I am yet to find a profitable use for. Straw successfully constructed I take a picture, as is my way.

Now is when I meet Bruce, top bloke. He runs through the whirlwind that was meeting his wife and having a daughter. To which my only comment is "21 months!" He mucho impressed by the speed of my calculation and as much as I would like to take all the glory I admit that Laura told me mere minutes ago. Out of the window I can see cherry blossom, sakura in Japanese, spring has truly sprung. Bruce now enquires as to who Gareth has come as. The more astute amongst you will realise that this may seem something of an unnecessary question as Gareth is self labelling tonight. Turns out Bruce hasn't the foggiest who Bruno Mars is. Reminds me of a certain Matthew Lamar, when Ben Good asked him what his opinion of Vladamir Putin was his completely serious reply was "I don't really listen to music."

Courtesy of distractify.com

Not so sure how I engaged these two in conversation but I think Swap may have quizzed them about their apparent hatred of football. Turns out Emma would very much like to see all things football related disappear and Ian just wants Liverpool to vanish off the face of the planet. Now that that's cleared up Ian mentioned he's quite the avid runner. Turns out him and a mate completed Tough Mudder last year. Now they plan on doing five of them. When asked if I'd give it a crack I am gutted that I can't! Spinal woes. During this time Vicky is doing the rounds with a tray of Baileys shots. I think the glasses, the tray and the Baileys were all gifts.

It's around now that the band kicks off and we are treated to a barrage of classics that gets the room moving. In an attempt to close the gap between the band and the crowd myself, Swapnal and Andy go sit on the rearranged seating. Again we are unsuccessful at manoeuvring the masses. I nip downstairs to break the seal and bump into Ben and Andy on their way in. I had previously met Ben at the Soiree back in...June? Was it really that long ago!? Anyhow he's with Andy and I assume they are related. I think they looked alike but I was off the mark, all yall look alike! Bruce and Laura are departing as well. I should also mention that Ben thought I lived at the house!

When I head back upstairs I see that Dan has mounted his bass. There's a combination of words that, even with the most vivid/twisted of imaginations, I never would have concocted. Now comes the time for some fresh vocal input. And so Marie "the spider" Travis makes her way to the stage. The switch up is pretty amazing. Wearing a large woolly panda balaclava is taking it's toll and I head outside to cool off. This scene is missing as I have no idea what happened during this time.

Heading back indoors I intentionally park myself in the middle of the dance floor. It's the space between the couches and one of the kitchen islands. If you scroll back up to the pic of the room then you can see it is a narrow strip of dance floor. During an interlude there is a swift exchange of hats between Karly, Andy, Swapnal, Jaime and myself. Now Unicum comes out to play play. Swap mixes it with redbull and we get cracking. It sips badly and the after taste is indescribable so naturally the executive decision is made to add blue curacao, orangey blue bitterness what could possibly go wrong? It doesn't help one jot.

Let's move on. It's time for costume prizes! Andy wins best dressed man for his red bishop/cardinal. Cruella wins for her creative stand against fur and the spider takes the grand prize! And now it's time for some more music! So Swapnal fetches his five string guitar and Ben starts strumming along with Steve. Dan appeals to the crowd for some new vocal talent and so we begin the slow spiral towards karaoke.

Now here's where my mind gets rather mixed up and the chronology falls apart. I remember a guy from a few doors down pops in after hearing all the ruckus. He naturally gets me and Swapnal mixed up asking me how long I've lived here. Cruella requests I record a short video for a a friend. This would involve the use of her phone. Given that it has limited battery life she insists I leave it on standby until the last moment. No problem but this means I have to learn the code to unlock her phone. I still remember the code! I end up recording a 4 minute spectacular of a video which is immediately posted to facebook. My help in this endeavour results in this question from Cruella "why are you so nice!?" I have no answer so I ask Gareth. His answer is that you can in fact be too nice. All's fair in love and war etc.

The night winds down and someone tells me Andy is is outside having it out with someone on the phone. Now this is the scene to end all scenes. A man dressed as a bishop is stood outside a church early on a Sunday morning having a casual argument on the phone! I grab my gear out the car and Vicky kindly preps my bed for the night. It is of course a three seater couch + a two seater couch making for quite the lovely leather bed. I brush my teeth and read some more about cold reading techniques before drifting off. My sleep is interrupted by someone on the search for red wine and again on the quest for a phone. Sometime later I hear a disturbance but amongst all the noise I hear Swapnal's voice and trust he's got it under control. I am summoned to lend a hand. As chance would have it I have two rather large hands so I get involved it is about 04:00.

What transpired ended up with Swapnal asleep on the two seater next to me. It did not occur to us to separate the two sofas! As I go to sleep I remember that this time last year we were in a similar situation except in Swapnal's bed. The more things change the more they stay the same! What's funnier is that I used the subject of pandas as a means of switching subjects with the ever effervescent Eleanor. And here I was a year later dressed as a panda, of sorts. A few hours of sleep later I bust a move and refresh myself in the shower. Freshly showered I can't get back to sleep so I feast on chicken wings whilst reading Dale Carnegie's word's of wisdom.

Swapnal is up, sort of and takes up my offer of chicken wings. We've motored through about half of them so I head to the bin to get rid of the bones. This throws Swap into a minor panic as he thought I was about to bin the remaining wings! Vicky is kind enough to cooks us bacon and eggs and we tuck in gratefully. We sit in silence for a while as neither of us is particularly awake at this moment in time. Andy pops up looking cheerful and spins around in a circle in search of something. He pulls a wok from his drawer and puts it back before whipping out a pan. Now its time to look for eggs and the eggs he finds have a best before date of....October 2013!

I pull myself together and do a final kit check before shipping out. It's been an eventful and exceedingly enjoyable night. I hope every March the 1st will be as awesome as the last two have been. I should mention that I retrieved my 4 pack of scotch eggs from the fridge before heading home. They were under not one but two boxes of regular eggs! On my way home I find myself listening to this, soothing Sunday music. Almost forgot amaretto and umbongo makes for a kickass mixture!

Jiglz - The manufacturer of my awesome panda balaclava :D

Now for a mad conspiracy! WWIII is set to kick off any moment now and I for one am not sold on this being anything other than a conspiracy. Rule of three anyone? If we go in reverse chronological order there is the invasion of the Ukraine. With the flimsy front of defending their nationals on foreign soil Russia has stepped in. Putin is not a fan of homosexuality and is hosting an international sporting event...remind you of anyone? I'll give you a clue he wrote a book about camping and was shown up by a single man of colour at the 1936 Olympics. And now for the last, or first, step his rise to power. Well his rerise to power. All of this makes me think that he's being set up as the next boogie man for the world to focus their combined disapproval on. But then again I think the horse meat scandal was a weak attempt to scare us into eating healthier and that the footage of the moon landings could not have survived the radiation in space. So I'm probably massively misinformed completely off the money.

Turning 23 on the 22nd so having a party on Friday the 13th...savvy?

I am ever so sober but I've ingested an inordinate amount of caffeine so tired as I am I can't quite drift off. Tonight is a bit of a blur but here are my cliff notes, for those of you who weren't quite as sober.

It started with a standard stop off at Tescos where I purchased far too much proteinous food. We then progressed to Swapnal's. Subsequent to unloading my shtuff out of the car I proceeded to hand him something wrapped in bubble wrap.

Hot nuts

Does what it says on the tin. There's actually a little message on the tin as to why they've named these nuts so. I then hand him something else wrapped in bubble wrap. This was something I'd thought about at great length. Swapnal likes hot, spicy things and he's rather partial to alcomahol. Of course I came up with chilli vodka! After extensive research, utilising the methodology of G.O.O.G.L.E I found that most recipes recommended infusing your vodka for several weeks. I had 1 week...so I had to get a little creative to ensure a sufficient kick was present.

I finely chopped several chillies and added them to a bottle of vodka. I then proceeded to intermittently agitate and heat the bottle to ensure the speed of infusion. Unconvinced that this would do the trick I invested in  a bottle of this:

Scoville Scale

Of course I had no idea how much of this to add so I poured a couple of drams out and added a couple of drops. Thinking to myself "How hot can it be?" I swirl the concoction, so as to evenly distribute the angry looking dark red liquid. I then swiftly draw it in to my mouth and swill it about. It is at that moment that I experience the hottest thing I have ever tasted. Not only was the burn epic it lasted for about 15 minutes and I could feel it all the way down to my stomach. So I add a single drop to a litre and take the extract along incase it's not enough.

Waiting around for the rest of the party to arrive we ended up playing poker. James wins, he appears to be making a habit of that. This won't do at all. Mark has disappeared home under the guise of grabbing a shower and change of clothes. But we all knew he was waiting so he could arrive with Mandaz. Oh and Tammy!

Mark left work at around 17:00 and he arrived at around 19:40. Not gonna analyse it, just pointing out something of a temporal anomaly. Upon arrival he starts tucking in to the pizza that Swapnal had kindly purchased for the party. Which somewhat confused the assembled masses as we had been informed by text that he had just frequented the chippie down the road. I don't think I'll ever understand Mark Taylor, an enigma wrapped in a pouch.

The night is documented here in photo form scroll through as you read!, access may be an issue if you are not within my friendship trigrams on facebook.

Vicky arrives and briefly says hello I inquire about where she works. I remember her vaguely mentioning the Co-op so I inquire and she explains using Sainsburys as a reference point. I once went to look at a Mazda Takuya down there the salesman knew the owner of the accountancy practice I'd just finished some work experience at.

I am then victim of some social jujitsu, getting someone to talk about themselves. The question is flipped and I'm asked what do I do? Well I do lot's of things but it can't really be considered a role. Consulting Swapnal he tries to explain what I've been doing lately, reconfiguring data. But that's not what I was doing 4 months ago. And what I was doing four months ago isn't what I was doing from December 2012 - May 2013. All for the same umbrella of companies. It's only confusing when I try to explain it to someone else. Vicky brings out the awesomeness that is face cake! It's a cake, already awesome, with the birthday boys face on it!

It is now that Eleanor and Mr. Manchester arrive. First name Josh last name Manchester, or at least that's what Eleanor would have you believe. Sound enough lad even if we didn't really get a chance to chat. Now we load up some shots of the chillified vodka. The general opinion is that it's horrible. Myself and my fellow craftsman thought it had a nice burn to it. Ooh and Ellegator gives me a birthday card! It has a tash on it! In my infinite wisdom I left it round Swapnal's house :-/

I'm flying high after that shot and Swapnal cracks open a bottle of Cobra King. I'm making my way to the bin deposit the remains of recently devoured chicken thigh and am frozen in my tracks by the possibility of a cork to the face. Swapnal being the gentleman that he is grants me safe passage before unleashing the cork.

After a little more chatter beer pong inevitably rears it's head. The form has been slightly modified to include my devastating chilli concoction. The girls in a fit of surreptitious sensibleness had hidden it away! But Swapnal engaged his craftometer to full craftiness and extracted it from whence it was hidden.

Expression on display: hmmm with a hint of trepidation?

There is a dry run to demonstrate how this whole thing is to go down and then the games begin! First blood to the girls and Swapnal manfully downs some beer. Mark gets the ball in and Amandas has to down a beer but she gets her own back immediately and Mark takes his time with his beer. You can't rush Mark, he likes to savour...everything! There are a flurry of misses but then Swapnal lands the ball in one of the shmaller cups! They contain the pain of vodka that has been infused with chilli extract, fresh chilli, cinnamon and mace. Vicky downs it like a champ. It is now that the formations of cups begin to change. They morph into a big back line with the one remaining small cup on at the front for the girls. Mr. Manchester gets one in and Eleanor has to down one, followed by Vicky. The lads have a slim lead. Then this happens:


It's all level, three big cups and one small cup left to go. The formation changes again and Mark is not a fan. He is berated for moaning so he busts out his impression of Tammy, it's not received well. As chance would have it we end up with the last two cups being the tiny ones that contain the pain. After many rounds of fruitless ponging an executive decision is taken, to transfer the contents of the smaller cups into a bigger one. Thus hopefully bringing this epic battle to a conclusion sooner rather than later. The girls win and celebrate in adequately exuberant fashion.

A little talking here n there is punctuated with a pork pie. These particular pies contain pickle thus offsetting the richness of the awesome porky filling. I lie I actualy consumed two pies! Mark makes his inevitable way towards Swapnal's laptop to fiddle with the playlist. This has lead to some rather epic playlist beef in the past. But this time he has Amanda with him for back up. They look so happy crouched over fiddling with the playlist that no one wants to risk unsettling this microcosm. For some reason or other Amanda says why. But not a why as you or I would utter it. It was said in a manner that only Mark does, she's taken on one of his key characteristics. This confirms our belief that being around Mark will eventually turn you into him.

David makes a remark about his IQ. This brings Eleanor in swinging for the fences as intelligence, like everything, is relative. I think we're on the same page but I twist and turn to keep the discourse going. We live in a literate society so if you can do that well then you are considered "intelligent". But back in the day when hunting was the way to stay alive the fastest and strongest were the most "intelligent". The scale changes based on the situation. But it boils down to problem solving. At least that's my simple spin on it :-D

Eleanor grows weary and demands another game. Arrogance is simple and random. David assumes his customary tossing duties. He's a champion doncha know! Some baseless accusations of cheating lead to me taking on the mantle of tosser. It leads to a lot of drinking. I remember I came with a secondary mission but my camera lacks the required battery power to fulfill it :-(

There is talk of going in to town. I'm still on the mend so I say my goodbyes and prep myself to depart. During the dying moments of this gathering Amanda falls backwards onto the couch! Outstanding :-D I drive home and crack all my joints, down a protein shake and get to bed. The next day Swap posts this lovely pic:

Face cake, hot nuts, hot vodka, desktop drummage and many a card

The night is documented here in photo form scroll through as you read!, access may be an issue if you are not within my friendship trigrams on facebook.

New job?

Now I'm not sure who reads these, so my aim may be a bit off with regards to content and detail etc. Who are you people in America? The stats say quite a few from the USA are reading these!

This week was peculiar, as I was leaving my lone thinker role behind to become part of  the local sales team. This is following the mass exodus of several people from the office, who I was ever so fond of. Yes, I am a ridiculously soft hearted oaf! :D

Now I've worked in the same office since the beginning of December, so you'd think that this would be quite a simple thing. Switching jobs not staying whilst your mates have to go. But it was kind of like starting a new job as I'd always worked by myself until now. Also the office felt totally different with so few people in it...

Anyway lets not dwell on that, in the words of the late great Bernie Mac "let's move on"

So I get in ready to rock n roll,  for those Simpsons fans out there picture homer running into the hospital when Grandpa needed a kidney. But I'm met with the same plan I've been wrestling with for several months now. Think I've got it sorted now, fingers crossed. So once I'm done I crack on with some marketing research. Those of you who have done this will know the joys of it all too well, I now know what you mean!

The next day brought more calls than I had ever made in my life, my ears were actually a little sore from wearing a headset. I think this might be because I have rather large ears but then again I do have quite a large head. I think my ears just stick out a little more than most. Day 1 of calls done and I drive home in a bit of a daze. I'm really not used to speaking that much, man of few words.

I realise that if you've read any of my posts and never met me then you are going to find that hard to believe. For some reason I am terribly succinct in person and exponentially more verbose in writing!

I park up in the drive and walk purposefully towards the front door. Any guesses as to what is waiting for me on the doorstep?

It's a pheasant pacing back and forth, an adolescent male by the looks of it. The fearful fellow is too scared to go anywhere as I am now blocking his exit vector. I stand and stare rather bemused by his running back and forth on the doorstep. I take a step back and he makes a run for it, straight to the shrubs!

The following day I attend Marc's birthday dinner, he's annoyingly late. I was so annoyed I had two starters! It was nice to see everyone again, except Eleanor B she's living it up in the hashish capital of the world ;-) Thoroughly nice evening only spoilt by my consuming carbs, damn you tasty, toasted bread!!!

I experience something that the asians amongst you will have witnessed plenty of times with your parents when exiting a family friends house. The general loitering at/near the door. We must've stood for a good 5 mins chatting outside before finally tearing ourselves away to go our separate ways.

In the following days I reconciled some differences in numbers, made many more calls, manned up, booked some appointments, more research,spotted a mistake, consulted an old friend, realised I am not so detached.

The highlight of the week was seeing how flustered Mark got when he almost sent a scan to the owner of the company instead of himself :P