It's been a while!

MRDWC YO!!!

I didn't even know this was happening until two days before when LRT shared a link for it! And that meant that the next three days were pretty much booked with me staring in awe at men in lycra. No different from my usual weekend programme I hear you cry!

But alas Sunday was my first day as a temp for interflora. A job I approached with much trepidation as I had been an operative in the fiery pits of a call centre before. My first day was an intense learning experience, not what I expected. I was expecting to be put on a phone and told to get on with it. As it turns out the sink or swim atmosphere of my previous place of work has made all other office based occupations appear tame by comparison.

But all was not lost I would be home in time for the final at 19:00! I was yet to see a truly close bout in the tournie so was hanging my hopes on the final for such an occurrence. I get home at 18:15 and load up the results page hoping to see who was in the final. I am greeted with an update stating that three bouts had been brought forward by two hours and the final was now at 17:00. I was utterly bereft, for about 20 seconds. Then I saw that there were some ridiculously close bouts to watch! So I've got some bouts in the bank to help me pass the time! Oh and as always my nod to SDRG for introducing me to roller derby! And here's some of my thoughts on some bouts I saw on 2013!

The group of people I was trained with at Interflora: Ben, Ruth, Dan, Gina, Ellie, Carol, Alison, Mark, Hannah and I am ever so sorry I've forgotten the last girls name! If she's reading this and feels wronged please feel free to contact me and I'll sort you out with a cookie :-D Yet to be taken up on my cookie offers, makes me think people are wary of burly men bearing baked goods

So chocolate everywhere. Sounds like a dream right?

I get home and decide I'd like join two separate pieces of chocolate together. How would you achieve this? I've come up with two options:

1. You could place the two pieces next so that they are touching. And then heat some more chocolate and either spread or pipe the liquid choc onto the join.

2. You could place the two pieces next so that they are touching and then apply heat directly so that they melt and merge together.

I went for option two and was rather impressed with the results.  Here's how I ended up with melted chocolate on my hands, face, clothes and kitchen. I pick up the still mostly melted piece of chocolate with my right hand and it immediately starts to lose structural integrity.

In my haste to correct my mistake my left hand comes into play impacting the falling half and sending it flying towards the ceiling. My right hand, which is holding the other half, is the only limb close enough to prevent chocolate impacting the ceiling. I throw this half from right to left and reach for the ceiling bound half. I'm too slow and only manage to deflect it towards the microwave. And that ladies and gentlemen is a great example of why more haste does not necessarily result in more speed.

And this was in March! Now to May :-O What happened to April? Well the insane world of shift work 15 minutes away from my house started coupled with my woefully inadequate preparations for an exam. Oh and I got hammered and my mum saw me :-S not ideal. But then again that's what I get for living at home. Time to fly the nest, again. I'll leave for good one of these days. When I figure out what it is that sets me ablaze.

So today was the day of my CIMA exam, believe it or not its the third time I've sat this bugger. It's not that the exam is difficult or that I'm particularly dense. I leave the mystery of why I haven't passed this one yet to you dear reader, whoever you may be. Up bright and early and look up the route from the train station to the exam venue. I decide to plonk myself in a cafe and study my socks off. I actually do much reading on the train, followed by an hours kip. Man I sure do love train sleep! I also love mid afternoon sleep. Not a fan of proper sleep thought. I wonder why!?

Anyhow upon arrival I walk to the first cafe, a ginormous starbucks, nay nay I say. Onwards to a nice little Nero, not feeling this one either as I amble past more pretentious little cafes I decide to buy a massive bottle of water from Tesco and set up camp outside the exam venue. I read through key areas and make notes, test myself and generally look busy so the people entering the building will leave me alone. I am extremely sociable but I wanted to focus so no chitchat! Problem is I have a friendly face and "kind" eyes, wtf does that mean? I'll take a compliment where I can get one but doesn't everyone have kind eyes? Not one but two separate folk strike up conversations with me I play nice before burying my face in notes. The best of the two was a young man who asked me "what are you doing?" by which he meant what paper are you sitting. I was eating a salad, at the time, whilst quaffing an energy drink, more on that later, so I was thoroughly confused about his question about what I was doing. Surely it's evident that I am eating vegetables! I do however twig what he's on about.

So the time to sign in has come, involves walking up with a printed out admission thing and a photo ID. Neither lady can say my name at the desk so we have a bit of banter about my exotic name and I go back to my brooding seat. So everyone's signed in and they ask us all to assemble so they can give us the exam spiel: Not phones, no paper, no leaving within the first hour of the exam etc. I down the half can of monster and swig some water to keep my hydrated. And I sit down and begin reading the paper, we are allowed 20 minutes reading time. I am overjoyed the paper has been crafted with things I can do! Analysis, pensions, substance over form, basic consolidation and a cashflow statement! About 15 minutes in I am yanked from my joy cloud by the building pressure in my bladder, it is demanding to be voided. I quash the urge and decide to go after reading time is over. They instruct us to begin and I shoot my hand up. I am kindly informed that I can't leave the room for one hour after the exam has started!

So here's my quandary, I have a paper that is eminently passable yet all my energy and attention is being drained by my overly full bladder. Gah! So I plough on with a basic analysis question. Having completed it I look up and see that only 10 minutes have passed! Head down I am determined to make a go of all the questions before looking back up at the time. This too comes to pass and only 40 minutes have passed. I feel hot, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my breathing is shallow. Someone sneezes causing me to flinch! Enough's enough I stick my hand up and this time I'm informed that if I can't hold it then I can go but only if it's definitely an emergency. It wasn't an emergency but they let me go and return.

Worked till the last minute on that paper. I usually finish ages ahead of time and twiddle my thumbs whilst cracking my knuckles. So the moral of the story? Always go to the bathroom before an exam,

The World

It is the name of Dio's stand in Stardust Crusaders! Yet to finish reading part three, it was my lunchtime reading when I used to work in Kenya. I've not gotten back to it! The word itself has a germanic route and means the age of man. So not a spacial geography but a temporal marker.

So this is a list of all the countries that the analytics bit of blogger tells me has readers of my blog in!

• Macau
• South Korea
• United States
• United Kingdom
• Poland
• Russia
• Germany
• Hong Kong
• Thailand
• Ukraine
• Chile
• Saudi Arabia
• Malaysia
• Russia
• Netherlands
• Indonesia
• Serbia
• Australia
• France
• Nepal
• Spain
• Sweden
• Canada
• Denmark

I wrote the list and then highlighted so I could add the bullet points. Which country do you think Blogger refused to recognise with it's own bullet? Come now peruse the list and pick a country, I insist. It was of course France! Only seen Paris and it was a bit of a let down. Mostly because we did all the touristy stuff in one day and spent the rest of the time steeped in Tamil culture. One of the many blessings/curses of having family all over the world. You have free accommodation and food regardless of what continent you're on but that does mean you probably won't have an opportunity to sample the local cuisine.

Well now that's out of the way I can get with what really matters. That is of course the phenomenon that is taking the globe at a sensible pace Nicnomications!

Like this and get allocated a mood. Your task is to find a picture of Nicolas Cage fitting the mood. Because neknominate got too mainstream and corporate etc.

I got quizzical from Cara!

Gifs they make the world a better place. My personal favourite involves a post-it note and a cat, don't worry I'll share it somewhere down the line. It's been rather amazing to see the many faces of Nicolas Cage. So far: Jubilant, smouldering, feisty, pugnacious, smug, expectant, impudent, nonchalant, raging and many more :D 

I had a chat with another legend from my recent past. A man who knows everything there is about business and people. And I realised that my CV is stuck in the past so I rewrote it. Well I rewrote it and it turned into something of a monstrosity as my last job appears to have been the most varied occupation I've ever undertaken. I'm in the process of boiling it back down, boiled it too much and ended up with burnt residue on the pan. Residue aside I am on my way to a CV that works :D

And now we come to the subject of roller derby. I love this sport as evidenced in several posts

Roller Derby = Awesome - All about the four bouts I've seen in person
More Quotes - Based around a quote from a legendary Rollergirl. Tweeted it to her and got a favourite!
WFTDA Champs - My experience of the world championships. American times make me sleepy.

I think that's it but I do have passing references peppered all over this funny little blog. I take that back it may be funny and a blog but is most certainly not little. Something like 1500 words per post so that's like over a 100,000 words! Back to the matter in hand, roller derby! So ages ago there was a shout out on the Lincolnshire Bombers Roller Girls, LBRG, fb page asking if anyone wanted to be an NSO. That's the none skating official in case you were wondering. Just prior to this I had had a brief chat with SDRG about how much I wanted to give the sport a crack but my bodies tendency to crack had left me unable. I should clear up that I don't have a tendency for cocaine, crack, my body tends to break in odd ways. Most recently at the lumbar spine level.

Moving past my spine we come to the suggestion of NSOing with the promise of a pink t shirt. I was sold already but now I am positively bouncing around like a tool. So I drop them a message and they say that once the season gets going they'll holla at me. So I forget all about it and get on with the task of finding myself a job.

Going to bust a quote yo, apologies for the yoing I've been listening to some Jesse Pinkman and that guy busts yo a lot. It's about creating the right conditions in order for something to happen. The example used is flowers, if you you want particular flowers you have to consider the soil, manure, water, climate, shade etc. If you just talk about the flowers then they won't happen. Well it looks like I've unconsciously set myself up for one thing and as chance would have it it's what I need in order max myself. I've got the internal contemplative stuff now to add the next level.

So back to NSOing. The head NSO I think that's her title. Not sure my initial thought was chief NSO but that sounds a little military. Anyways I got an email asking if I'd be interested in coming along to a scrimmage to get up to speed with NSO tings. In my mind I was shouting yes but this translated to no action being taken. I ended up replying late last night the day before the scrim. Anyway it all worked out but I did turn up an hour or so early. My own fault for not confirming the time. Was treated to the sight of off skate conditioning. Circuit training! Something I have not participated in since I was a teen. It sends me into a fit of nostalgia as I see shuttle runs, squats dips, pushups, ski sits, superman, person traversing and piggyback shuttle runs!

And then it's time to begin and I take my place next to Arry as her shadow. Never done this stuff before so I'll be watching as she bosses the penalty box. But then Mel comes over and says I actually get to do something! I am quite the fan of doing things. I'm handed a sheet and led through the steps involved in line up tracking. Write down numbers, star passes, which pass the opposition jammer is on, in and out passes for penalties. Doing this only hammered home how fast each jam is! There were three halves and I found myself watching intently  the whole time.

Very high ceiling on account of it being a venue for sports the involve balls and maybe trampolines. There is a sport that combines the the two.... SLAMBALL! I noticed the girders were rather dusty but the layer of dust wasn't disrupted intermittently. It looks like balls regularly bounce off the girders thereby causing the dappled effect. And yes I did spot a ball stuck between a girder and the ceiling, classic :-D It also had the mandatory lines all over the floor. I deciphered the basketball and badminton lines but there was a whole other set that I had no idea about. 5 a side football? Dunno. I'll be back next week to attend a workshop, some more NSOing, watch the lego movie and dress up as something I think should be wiped out of existence.

My favourite gif clicky for it's natural environment

Farewell SDRG!

Yes you do have a codename and it was born out of convenience. I was referring to you as the roller girl who draws in secret so often that I decided SDRG was a handier :-)

When I heard the news you were moving away I initially got all panicky! Mostly because, in my mind, you were moving away imminently. From announcement to final move there will be about six weeks, so panic for no reason. In all honesty is there ever a good reason to panic? I mean does it really help the situation at all. Best to remain cool, calm, just like my mom, with a couple of Valium inside her palm. If anyone get's that reference I shall do a little victory dance. One that doesn't involve moving my feet, kinda lacking power in the calves and stability in my lower spine atm.

After burning my panic with some modified chest exercises I look towards what do I do now? Well try and think of a kick ass leaving gift of course. What do I know about SDRG? Well she's a rollergirl, illustrator, practical, loves sleep, wears odd socks, wicked core strength...not really steering me in the direction of a gift of any description right?

So I look through drawings and I find this:

Now that's something I can work with! I hack slash and finally find what I'm looking for...a hat! It's gonna have to be a custom hat featuring the 2013 logo of SDRG AKA Fish. I'm still in a bit of a panic so I push the order through at ridiculous speed. The lovely people at www.clothes2order.com were awesome! When the application wasn't working on the hat I'd picked the called to ask about a swap over. And it arrived a couple of days after I ordered it, speedy!

I may have fathomed why the only thing I could think of was a hat. I'd decided that all in attendance would have to wear hats at my birthday do round Swaps house which was happening the same week I heard the news.

I know you're itching to see the finished product but I've got more of the story to tell. The hat's good but it wouldn't be epic enough. What to do???? Of course get our old windowless office fam to model the hat thus showing their support for SDRG. I forgot to do this on several occasions and remembered towards the end of a birthday party round Swaps. Just my luck after taking two more pics my camera runs out of juice!

Oh I'd had another brainwave LBRG or Lincolnshire Bombers Roller girls. If they were involved somehow this would be all the more awesome. I mean what wouldn't get more awesome if you threw some rollergirls into the mix? So I sent a tentative message to the Bombers FB page. A reply shot back full of enthusiasm! Last practice before Christmas :-D I knew it was at Yarborough Leisure Centre and it was on Sunday the 15th. I had neglected to ask what time it would be at so I sneakily sent the centre a message asking and they kindly provided the info, 10:00 - 14:00. Four hour practice on a Sunday, now that's hardcore!

My choice of footwear. Why this was a bad choice will become apparent soon enough.

Having surreptitiously acquired the info that she would be attending her nans birthday that week I thought I'd got access to a practice that would be Fish free thus keeping the surprise in tact :-D But that wasn't the case! She was back and this made me think that I'd get some pics with the squad and then give her the hat! Thought my best bet was to get there early so as not to get in the way of practice. As I roll up I spot Mizza Murica in the car park. I know most of the squad by their skating names just a bit of a fan...

Get all my gear together, psyche myself up, pick up my walking stick and stride into the leisure centre with a sense of purpose. After several seconds of staring around aimlessly I realise I have no idea where to go, the nice lady at reception gave me great directions :-D I briefly lose my bottle and regroup in the gents, assuming I'd be safe from the roller girls in the gents. I realise how ridiculous I'm being and step back into the hall. I proceed to awkwardly introduce myself. If there's one thing I know how to be it's awkward!

Breaking up my block text with a little Jerome Jarre :-D So I open with "Hello not sure if I'm in the right place but I've got a hat" To which Carolyn replies "You must be Ron." They know who I am! Lil sets my up with a little space down the corridor and round a corner so as to hide me from direct view. She then sends LBRG members down in a steady flow as they arrive for practice. I'm a little blown away by how well this is going :-D I'm informed Fish has arrived so I pack up my gear prepare to dash down the corridor past a large opening to the sports hall.

Anyone see a problem with my escape vector? There is a large opening through which I could be spotted :-S But that's not my biggest problem. I'm dressed in a sky blue shirt, jeans and a long dark overcoat. Pretty much the perfect outfit for sneaking if you're in a crowd. But not if you're in an empty corridor adjacent to a sports hall! Coupled with my bright orange shoes and slow gait I must have been quite the sight. In all the excitement I'd not explained to all of LBRG that it was supposed to be a surprise. This coupled with my loud exit makes me thing she must know what's going on!

From an awesome company in Manchester Clothes2Order :-D

So I still have to get the hat to SDRG somehow. A send off of some sort would set the scene perfectly for such a transaction to take place. I rally our old office and come up with Saturday the 21st as MT Birch would be kicking about in the vicinity and would be able to swing on by! But it looks like the day isn't good for anyone else :-( I reschedule for sometime early Jan but the message doesn't reach MT Birch till the night before when he tells us he'll be in Lincoln midday. I am uber gutted :-(

He's only in Derby so a enquire if he'd be up for a visit on the 23rd or 24th. He says sure and I bez my way to Derby early on Monday morning. Only took my about an hour! And we chilled round his house for a bit where he tells me I remind him of Greg House. Medical genius? Nay I'm wearing jeans, trainers, bearded, sporting a long coat coupled with a cane. Ok I'll admit I was unintentionally emanating a strong house vibe. Heading off to grab some coffee I realise just how rainy a day I've picked to frequent this bit of the world. I get a gingerbread latte and immediately regret getting cream. I have a tash so most drinks seep into it.

As you can see not a tash friendly beverage. Discussions included core workouts, joint hypermobility, hemp conspiracies, bowel movements, gamification, chicken nuggets, psychopaths and moisturisers. Mark pointed also let me in on his reasoning behind why he thinks SDRG is the most likely to be a psycho from our windowless office. When he asked me who I thought it was I could only come up with me :-S No remorse plus fearless dominance?

This conversation cropped up in Mcdonalds. The car park was rammed so some geniuses had resorted to parking willy nilly making it impossible to get out of the spaces! After some fruitless reversing a no nonsense woman takes charge of the situation and tells me to lock the wheels before I start moving. Doing so frequently would scrub the tyres but in this instance it was the only way to get out. It ended up being a 20 point turn! Back at Marc's house he gives me Swapnal's bday present and some Christmas cards for the office! It is now that I remember that I've got the hat in the car! I get a shot of him, hug it out and get back home in time for tea.

And that's the end of the hat story. Well not quite as it hasn't made it's way to it's intended recipient. The plan was to meet up the first weekend after new years. So I send out a smoke signal and what comes back is that it'll be an intimate meal for four. Not to be sniffed at as the four are Crafty Patel, Tin tin Taylor, SDRG and me! Ribs n Bibs here comes four folk who worked in the same office for about six months, seven months ago! Three of them still work in an office together, it has windows but no running water. Swings and roundabouts.

Meeting up at spoons beforehand it comes to light that only half the expected turnout has turned out. Mark is having a starter with Amandas in another wetherspoons. Makes total sense. I inform SDRG and she tells me she's currently dismantling a bed, i know awesome right?! Me and my fellow craftsman discuss various gym tings, valentines day, butlins, fm transmitters, engines and vegas.

Now it's time to make the 4 minute walk to Ribs n Bibs, at least that's what google would have you believe. We see Mark on the way and stride up the hill. It is now that I realise I had underestimated the steepness of the hill. Rather winded by the time we make it to the second front door. Waiting around for Fish and less than a minute later she emerges from the gloom with a package for yours truly. No explanation to the other two in attendance. It was of course something rare, a t shirt featuring zebras.

Did you spot Ironman?

The booking was for 5 so we end up with an oversized table. The racial tension is immediately apparent as team crafty and team northern occupy opposite sides of the table. Swapnal orders a root beer float, a decision he immediately regrets as it tastes like tiger balm. Everyone else, myself included, heard tiger bomb. It's like a jager bomb but made with real bits of tiger, 60% of the time...it works every time. Our starters arrive and Swapnal is too quick off the mark and inhales the vaporised vinegar fumes coming off his buffalo wings. Buffalo sauce - vinegar based cayenne pepper hot sauce. A situation I find wholly hilarious. Around now I noticed that my sleeves were far too long. My one shirt that requires cufflinks and I always forget that it requires cufflinks. I look like an Elizabethan dandy...

Starters down and the mains arrive in force. But before that Mark notices that gravy was misspelt he points this out to his favourite waitress, Chloe. Yep he remembers her name from when we first frequented the restaurant back in April. There is a video as well! She shows up with a sponge and corrects the spelling. It appears as though the bread is no where near big enough to accommodate the contents: two burgers, pulled pork and coleslaw. A jolly wrestle into my mouth results in sauce all over my hands face and a little on my shirt :-/. Mark also secures a second helping of coleslaw as he is renowned for his enormous appetite and speed of consumption. He also announces that he has a firm idea of his wedding playlist and his dress is going to be backless.

Anyone who has seen him on a night out knows his compulsion to start conversations with anyone. Sarah describes this as him forcing himself on people in social situations. I take this a step further and give him the title of social rapist. It's even in the urban dictionary! 

social rape

(n., v.t.,) When someone approaches you and initializes conversation without your consent, regardless of what you're doing, who else you're talking to, or if you respond. 

The cheque arrives and I decide to hand over the hat that I've been ferrying hither and dither for just over a month. Expertly wrapped in the packaging it came in. After a brief inspection Sarah comments that the printing has been done rather well. I smile and nod stuff printed on fabric, not my wheel house. I then enquire as to whether she saw me creeping away after taking pics of the squad in the hat. She didn't!

We walk about 20 yards and end up in the Strait and Narrow. After five seconds Mark is talking to two old boys who are propping up the bar. The social rapist strikes again! Upon sitting down the racial tension disintegrates as team crafty and team northern are shuffled. I ask about what kind of core training skaters do. Turns out it's pretty much what I do with the addition of crunches. My quest for an uber core continues. I then ask whether it'd be cool for us to visit sometime after Sarah moves. We come to the conclusion that Mark will drive everyone up once he passes his test.

We declare that we'll be bringing a new pet for the Fisher family and it comes to light that SDRG's sister had a garter snake. I chip in with how you can freeze a garter snake and thaw it out with no damage to the snake. I begin to doubt myself as one of the first things I ever told Sarah was that most dalmatians are deaf. Not true. Apparently I'm rather believable, say something with enough conviction and people will believe you. Turns out the garter snake thing is true!

I get all giddy as I remember I'd watched the WFTDA finals. Problem is I watched so much so fast that I'm not really able to discuss it in any detail. Always on edge to hear more about roller derby and SDRG gives me some homework. Watching last years final! :-D She goes on to tell me that she used to put on bouts and fall asleep to them. I did the exact same thing! But with Scrubs. Fall asleep with my scrubs collection playing in the background. Intermittently wake up to hear EAGLE!

This is where the story ends! We all went home.

I had meant to ask her about the last Harry Potter film. I didn't really understand how Harry stayed alive :-S

So that's the story behind the hat!

Wax on, wax off

And so it begins. It is the month of my birth, what month was I born in folks? If you're assuming that I was born in the month that this was published then maybe you should consider what assumption is the brother of? And that is of course...all fuck ups. Just to clarify assumption is the brother of all fuck ups. Now that's a reference to something! If you get the reference then I shall hold your hand and skip down the street or buy you a kite Your choice.

Have you even considered the possibility that I wrote this in any of the other 11 months of the year? The more astute amongst you will have noticed I kicked off this writing jaunt in April 2013. So it would be sensible to deduce that this was likely written between then and now. So that gives you a whole eight months to choose from. Choose wisely as you only get one chance and YOU'RE OUT!

Yeah I was born in November. A time when the earth shuddered and the sky cracked as a bouncing ball of a baby boy was born :D I was a bit of an energetic toddler and quite the linguist. According to the tales my many relatives tell I could speak fluently before I could walk. And as soon as I could walk I was running away from everyone. I once followed a cat in an airport.

Bit of an abrupt shift away from my reminiscing to what is now yesterday, Friday the 8th of November. A couple of days before that I came across this pic on FB

Been altered to show UK times click to see the original

I had been mulling it over, I've seen 4 bouts and enjoyed them all thoroughly. Here's an opportunity to see some of the worlds best going at it. Just to clarify I wasn't about to fly out to America there was a live stream available :-D.

I think I'm right in thinking that the London Rollergirls, LRG, are the only team from overseas! During the first bout they commented that they were the first international team. I sure love trailblazers :-D Takes something special to do stuff no one has ever done before. Ties in with Arnie's six rules as well. You can see them here :-D. Yep I am referring you back to another post, it's all about my leg issues.

I got my wires crossed an thought the first game was at 16:00. But it was actually at 20:00. Giving me ages to sit around and work myself into something of an anxious mess. I don't know why I was sooo anxious! I think my excitement coupled with the bucket of coffee I drank  that made me uber jittery. FYI I don't drink coffee from a bucket. I actually drink it from a large, black, ceramic mug that can hold, approximately, a pint in volume. I think I got it for my 21st birthday. I used to have a big glass tankard from which all my beverages were consumed but one day it shattered as a result of coming into contact with some hot water! A sad day indeed...

I'd been off the caffeine for ages, save for a cup of tea that I have first thing in the morning. This pint of extra strong bean juice knocked my head off! Figuratively speaking, my head is still very much attached to my body.

Don't let this pic fool you it doesn't come with choccy hobnobs.

Ah I have my regular chat with @shortbistro around 19:30. We get on famously so our conversations tend to stretch towards the hour mark. This would mean I'd miss the first bout! So at 20:20 I say my goodbyes and turn my attention to the bout. Clicking through I am met with this:

Noooooooo!

It's fast approaching 20:30 and I am rather deflated but determined. So I start perusing various social media outlets, That's a lie, I went to FB and found the WFTDA page. Turns out that more people than anticipated had tried to access the service causing an overload.

There was a lot of outrage, apparently not the first time this had happened. I sit and wait and then inspiration hits me and I start refreshing the stream page. On about the 20th time I get through to the stream!

Still the first half but LRG are down. I'm kinda confused as the cameras keep cutting from view to view and the feed keeps buffering. I have a hard enough time following what's going on when I'm by the track, soooo much happening at once!

I think that's when half time was declared and and I hear the kick ass phrase "Play dirty, smell clean!" Notorious RED are the sponsor for the penalty box. They make a deodorant for the all the safety gear that skaters use. I've got some personal experience when it comes to odious safety gear. Was a rugby player in my early to mid teens, now a decade ago! The main source of my stench came from my shin pads, as they rarely saw the light of day. Hidden away under my socks or in my kit bag! My favourite festering recollection is from leaving boots, liberally encased in fresh mud, in a locker over half term. If you were lucky you'd get grass shoots growing out of the mud on your boots!

Back on topic and it's half time. I thnk LRG are down but not significantly. I didn't take any notes :-S Should take notes! There is much back and forth, that is to say the rhythm shifts between Atlanta and LRG. Oh and this is where I saw the deftness of a jammer. Kamikaze Kitten was jamming when the commentators start waxing lyrical about how she is able to exploit the smallest of gaps. I've never been one for precision, anyone remember Ajax and his warhammer?

I really, really want one!

As I watch her jam I see precision and skill that left staring with my mouth open. Genuinely I looked like a bit of a simpleton. Thing is I am a bit of a simpleton, sooo...
Some kick as play and the bout finished 184 - 169 to Atlanta. Now I did witness an occurrence that I'd only ever read about until Friday evening. This was a star pass, jammer passes the starred helmet cover to a pivot to get a set of fresh legs jamming. Between Stephanie Mainey and Kami. Some of you may know that I'm not a roller girl/dude, rather hopeless on skates. And until last weekend I'd only ever seen 4 bouts. Wondering why I was reading the rules?

Well it was of course because my mouth had written a cheque and my ego was insisting that I cash it. I'd said there has to be a loophole somewhere in the WFTDA rules and the Roller Girl who Draws in Secret, SDRG, had presented me with a link to all the rules and said that if I could handle them in one sitting she'd be impressed. Now what I heard was "You'll never be able to read and understand all these, MUHAHAHA!" So I set about reading all the rules in a single sitting, which I did! Recalling them, they're in there but not in any particular order. So in your face SDRG :-P This did kinda backfire at the first bout I went to, I was charged with explaining wtf was going on to Mark n Swapnal. A job I did half assedly as I was far too busy being befuddled by the general awesomeness of the first bout I'd ever seen. Details here of the first four bouts I'd ever seen.

So there were four bouts on that night and I was determined to see as many as I could!

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2013

2:00 PM Atlanta Rollergirls (Salem #2) 184 v London Rollergirls (Fort Wayne #3) 169, Watched

4:00 PM Game 2 – Rocky Mountain Rollergirls (Asheville #2) 198 v Angel City Derby Girls (Richmond #3) 228, Watched

6:00 PM Game 3 – Ohio Roller Girls (Fort Wayne #2) 230 v Rat City Rollergirls (Salem #3) 212, dozed off

8:00 PM Game 4 – Philly Roller Girls (Richmond #2) 174 v Windy City Rollers (Asheville #3) 221, crawled in to bed

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2013

10:00 AM Game 5 – Texas Rollergirls (Richmond #1) 227 v Atlanta Rollergirls (Salem #2) 134, Watched

12:00 PM Game 6 - Denver Roller Dolls (Fort Wayne #1) 200 v Angel City Derby Girls (Richmond #3) 125, Watched

2:00 PM Game 7 - Gotham Girls Roller Derby (Asheville #1) 509 v Ohio Roller Girls (Fort Wayne #2) 64, Watched

4:00 PM Game 8 - B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls (Salem #1) 230 v Windy City Rollers (Asheville #3) 135, Watched

6:30 PM Game 9 - Texas Rollergirls (Richmond #1) 302 v Denver Roller Dolls (Fort Wayne #1) 129, Slept

8:30 PM Game 10 - Gotham Girls Roller Derby (Asheville #1) 174 v B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls ( Richmond #1) 125, Still asleep

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2013

12:00 PM - Blue Ridge Rollergirls (Des Moines #2) 215 v Sac City Rollers (Kalamazoo #2) 188 D2 3rd Place, Watched

2:00 PM - Jet City Rollergirls (Des Moines #1) 195 v Santa Cruz Derby Girls (Kalamazoo #1) 194 D2 Championship, Watched

4:00 PM - Game 11 – B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls (Salem #1) 224 v Denver Roller Dolls ( Fort Wayne #1) 174 D1 3rd Place, Sort of Watched

6:00 PM - Game 12 - Texas Rollergirls (Richmond #1) 173 v Gotham Girls Roller Derby (Asheville #1) 199 D1 Championship, Watched

The times shown are American central time so it was in fact six hours later in the UK. That's right the last bout started at midnight!

That's the brief version of my weekend. It was interspaced with a lot of physio and a trip to the super market, mostly to get cookies to fuel my viewing of the final at midnight on a Sunday. There are very few things I can watch sooo much of without getting saturated. You know the feeling, like when you've had too much ice cream, chocolate, coleslaw etc. It's awesome but you are really, really full. Well at the beginning of each bout on Saturday, I saw four that day, I was a little bit like that. But it's ever so damn dynamic that I ended up fired up every time.

So many different styles of play as well! Not saying I understand or can convey what I was seeing but very rarely do you see squads with the same style. I need to study up so I can explain what I saw! I actually tried to take a tactical nap during the third place playoff. I got caught up and didn't sleep :-/. I got so amped by the final that finished around 01:30 that I couldn't sleep until 02:30.

That's couple of the ads that were on during half time :-D



So by the calibre of the ads you can see it was quite the weekend. A big thank you to all the teams for kicking ass :-D. Officials for officiating, commentators for commentating and the tech elves of the WFTDA for keeping the stream on the road :-D.

Some more mundane things that happened this week? Well is is Movember so I have been not trimming my moustache. It's getting in the way whilst eating and drinking things atm. So I scour the interweb for a solution! What I find is lots of differing vids going over various techs you can use to style you stache! I spring for a tiny tin of moustache wax from a London based company.

In case you want to tame your own wild stache!

The result are rather astonishing! The only problem is that I have to leave the hair on my upper lip alone once the wax has set. A skill I am yet to master, I love twiddling with it!

Check us out!

Oh and I've lost muscle mass from my chest and arms meaning I no longer look like I'm trying to burst out of my shirts. I suppose that's good for the shirts but kinda dented my ego, which isn't a bad thing but it has inspired me to pick up my rehab.

All the bouts are in the WFTDA archives here, in case you wanted to see what all my excitement was about :-D D2 championship final was probs the most nail bitey one, imo.

More Quotes!

 I know this has been done before but there are so many quotes that it's kinda inevitable that I'd end up doing another one all about em.

If something really grinds your gears then feel free to write it on a postcard and send it to Santa :P

What really grinds my gears is having to trawl through masses of text in order to dig out the handful of truth nuggets that are buried within. This extends to lectures, speeches even some films! Just give me the bullet points and allow me to obsess over them in my own time. I'm a massive fan of boiling things down to their bare bones and presenting that. Apparently that's one of the reasons I have my current job. Had to give a presentation as part of the interview, I had zero time to prep so didn't over think it. Oh and that's how Steve Jobs did it and he invented the apple, respect!

Now anyone who's read any of my posts will now be in a bit of a daze/rage. I am saying I dislike long written things but, whenever I write something it's usually really, really long! I think this links with the way I think/remember things. Stories! Whenever I learn something I usually recall the situation within which I learnt it. That's a overly wordy way of saying I remember things as stories, don't we all remember things as stories? When I get some new info I link it with pre-existing info/stories so as to incorporate it into my existing understanding. New info links with old info thereby seamlessly incorporating into the structure that is my understanding. It sounds like I'm making an excuse for the paradox that is my hatred of lengthy writing vs. my penchant for writing at length. I'm conflicted...

This is a good a time as any for me to fling a quote your way:

So it would appear I've fallen into an age old jelly trap! A sentence you are unlikely to read ever again. Think about that for a moment: no more, no less. Does anyone know who Virginia Woolf is? I know she was a writer but beyond that I haven't the foggiest. But this quote was used to close the first episode of Was It Something I Said? If you don't believe me then you've got about a week to check it out on 4OD. It features David Mitchell, Richard Ayoade and Micky Flanagan  so worth a lookie.

It's a bit like sugaring the pill or as Mary Poppins would put it:

Not saying that anything I write can be classed as medicine! But it maybe explains why I carelessly craft so much jibber jabber around my otherwise seemingly unpalatable points.

This popped up on the Lincolnshire Bombers Roller Girls fb page. Not so strange that they are sharing a quote from a living legend of the sport + they are rather active on the old social media. It's originally sourced from Bonnie D. Stroir, awesome name btw. She's a whole six years older than me and was the world's first full time roller derby coach. She travelled the world coaching! She retired but returned to the game. I found out this morning she retired again in September 2013! I'm kinda hung up on the sport, tried to make sense of why here. I may actually give it a go if I ever leave the permanently injured limbo state I seem to have been in for the past decade! Can't make Lincolnshire Rolling Thunder's recruiting ting that's soon. Why is so much awesome stuff happening!

When I first read this I wholeheartedly disagreed. It made no sense to me to bust up your body. Inevitably I sought to poke holes in my reasoning. I actually started to realise that I agree whilst sat in the waiting room of the ortho fracture clinic at Lincoln County.

I only ever felt I was useful if I had a fully functioning body. Things ain't functioning atm hence my knee jerk reaction to the quote. In a lot of ways I let being the "strong" one become my defining characteristic. A relic from a simpler time when might made right. Trapped in this way of thinking I continued to train and live in a way that was quite literally tearing my body apart. I have very hyper mobile joints and I love to lift heavy. There came a breaking point that has made me think again.

I was speaking with an occupational therapist about any gadgets, gizmos etc. I'd need to manage my day to day at home. I started running my mouth and what came out was right on the money. I need to think more. Think...that's something I didn't do enough of while I could get by with power alone. I'd power through physical tasks with little or no thought as to if there is a more effective way of doing them.

Breaking up the brick of text with Ross demoing his amazing Unagi skillz!

Power is no longer an option, at least for the time being. A part large part of what I considered to be my identity has been removed. What do I do now? Well I guess I'm free from that prison that I managed to build for myself. I don't have to be that guy any more. Well if I end up as that guy feel free to give me a short sharp kick in the shin. It may sound extreme but it's preferable to regressing into that state!

There are lots of people who place ideals, goals etc. above their own lives. If you scour fiction you will find numerous examples of main characters who are willing to fight and die to further their cause. I did go over this a bit in one of my old posts What's the RDA for PEP? and there's a vid at the end of this one that illustrates the idea of putting yourself second in order to attain something amazing. I struggle to think of real life examples of people doing this.

These selfless acts tend towards the dramatic and, more often than not violent. I'm all for violence, it get's things done ever so quickly! But I'm also all for change that is sustainable and that happens with all the speed of a rampaging glacier. So is there a way to win without fighting? Seems counter intuitive I know, how can you win if you don't fight? Depends what you're using as your weapons. I would say I am much more able to effect change with my words than I ever was with my fists. Also the society we live in doesn't allow for such things to happen so often.



And:

Than image is from a lovely fellow calles Jay Branscombe. He describes himself as an aggressive progressive, sounds awesome even if I haven't a clue what it means! I've asked his permission to use it, if he says no it may disappear, eek! So real life examples...Gandhi? Pacificm was part of his religion but you can't argue with results right? I know very little about such a titan of history I am ever so unclued up. I may present the front of an all-knowing sagely font but I am in fact rather uneducated.

But I did once hear a story about his followers on a picket line. They would be beaten back and be carried off with injuries. Once bandaged up they'd rejoin the line and be beaten back again. They did not raise a hand against their attackers. It boggles my mind about the level of belief they had that this course of action would further their cause.

So that's Bonnie D. Stroir shooting the duck. A phrase I learnt from a handy little book that I purchased here. It's a move known as shooting the duck, don't know why and it serves no purpose other than to show boat and put a big smile on your face :-D

So is anyone superstitious? Rituals that you have to do before you go out in the field/pull? I think I'm starting to become more superstitious as I grow ever older Less seems coincidental! Ok so does anyone know what number Bonnie D. Stroir skates under? I daren't call her by her by anything other than her full title, I don't know why! Well it's 26, "so what?" is the reaction I'm expecting from the global gathering that inexplicably reads these. Well if you add the 2 and 6 together what do you get? Well you get 8 of course, still not that awe inspiring but bear with me I'll get there one day. 8 is my lucky number according to a complex ancient eastern numerology system . Well it's not that complex I was born on the 26th of November so you add the 2 and 6 together to get 8! So two twenty sixes is no big whoop but here's the kicker I'm actually 26 years old right now!

I can't mention roller derby without a nod to my route to the sport. This is of course an old work colleague, the Roller Girl who Draws in Secret, SDRG for short. Anyone want to guess what number she skates under? Well I'll give you a clue! It is a number that's particularly auspicious for the population of the most populous country on the planet. The answers are 8 and China. I met SDRD shortly after turning 26!

Coincidence, probably...

I bought a Euromillions ticket yesterday. I'm 26, born on the 26th and the jackpot was 26 million! I didn't win...

Roller Derby = awesome!

21st of April 2013

Yep that's my actual shoulder n ear!

So today was like most of my Sunday's lately. Woke up early and studiously revised for my upcoming exam in May. Now how could this day get any more interesting, I hear you impatiently cry?

Well around midday I drove into Grantham and met up with Mark and Swapnal. Here's where I found out that our attending The Lincolnshire Bombers vs. The Bristol Harbour Harlots was supposed to be a surprise for Sarah! Neither my work friend or work colleague had told me that this was what they were intending, both assumed that's what I was thinking. And we all know what assumption is!

Once there we wandered about, looking thoroughly out of place until Sarah told us we should sit down. So we did, right next to the opposition's A team! She also handed over responsibility for explaining what was happening to M n S as I had read the rules, no pressure! I explained what I could to Swapnal and he'd pass it on to Mark, chinese whispers style.

I thought the whole thing was awesome and 5 hours flew by. Also Sarah crushed it as a manager, blocker and jammer, I think she may have been pivot at some point as well! In addition to this I won a hat, a purse and spa chill out gift bag. And there is kickass music playing all the time, I may have stumbled upon something very special indeed!

Incidentally I spotted a familiar face, Beth Parrot! Now she hasn't aged a day since a last saw her, a decade ago, so that was easy enough. I, on the other hand, have aged, so she most likely didn't recognise me. This bit is bull as she gave me smile both times I saw her. I was too chicken to say "Hey Beth, long time no see!"

BIT FROM THE 6th of JULY!!!

Well the idea was simple gather the troops: Stephen, Marc, Swapnal, Gerrard, James, Eleanor and Mark. And head to the Bombers next bout at home! Well that was today numbers were low! Three is all I could muster...note to self must work in muster abilities as they appear to be waning!

We did have a welcome addition in the shape of Emma, Swapnal's girlfriend? Dunno if he's into labelling folk/relationships etc.Anyway she's a delight and apparently a rather talented chef...I would like proof in the form of an extravagant something.

Anyhow the day started with a visit to a field where I am greeted by my old training buddies. These lads are about as dangerous as you can get without picking up weapons. Believe it or not I could go toe to toe with them not so long ago, mostly because I have very fast hands. I spent a large portion of my youth trying to be as fast as Ali, not even close. But I did get really really fast! Any way my footwork is non existent now and my fast hands have slowed considerably. I get comprehensively schooled and now I ache all over. Anyone see a group of shirtless, barefooted young men knocking each other about Saturday morning?

Onwards to roller derby!!! So I go to Morrisons and get some food, all low carb as I am a low carb monster. And then I pull in to B&Q's carpark to await the arrival of Swapnal, Emma and Eleanor. I receive panicked a text from Elle informing me she's running well late. Swap and Emma arrive and regale me with tales of how they went sofa shopping. Just to get out of the blistering heat, oooh it was ever so warm today! I busted out the shorts :D Edit: I did not bust out of my shorts! I busted my shorts out from winter storage!

Anyhow Eleanor is sighted in the distance and she's faffing around with her phone. Swapnal predicts she's about call me. Low and behold she calls! Asks where I am to which I make a scoffing comment about being in a car park etc. She's stood in the road and nearly gets hit by a car, I can see and hear her narrating the entire incident. She does worry my sometimes. Anyway she arrives wearing a lovely, skirt? Dress? Man I wish I'd paid more attention! I'm usually so good with observation! Obviously my morning exercise has left me dazed and confused. Anyway I regret not telling her about the seating arrangements.

Driving down to Grantham we've got all the windows open and it's loud + windy! There is a knackered box of tissues in the boot, which has no parcel shelf sealing it off atm. The whirling vortices swirl up said tissues and launch them into the back seat at Emma and Swap. They laugh, we laugh it's hilarious. Then the tissues make a break for the front, it's even funnier! One goes out the window :D

Anyway once we get there I seem to have lost my ability to park! WTF has happened to me, it's like me spacial awareness is all messed up. Things feel bigger and movements feel odd. It may be the new tyres I don't know!

When we get there we stride boldly to the hall and ask for our tickets. Kissy is on the desk today and she asks if this isn't my first time here. It's because of the tshirt she later tells me. Now I remember her name from the last time, I have a dangerously good memory for names. But if I were to address her by her skating name having only seen her skate once then I'd be the weirdo fanboy. Now it's no secret that I'm a weirdo but I'm still weird about people I don't know knowing. It's weird I know. 600 words so far before Sarah even sees us! And I got a free poster!

So we are milling around like fish :-P out of water, much like last time. Then Sarah gives us a rather confused look as Eleanor waves emphatically at her :D. It is now that Elle finds out we shall be sat on the floor... No torrent of expletives just mild annoyance along with a healthy dose of lets just get on with it shall we. Lots of explosive warming up and good mannered banter.

The first bout kicks off and goes by in a flash. I should really take notes as so much happens so quickly my senses do rather get overloaded. Very few sports have this time dilation effect on me it all seems to have happened in a matter of seconds! The same could be said for the second one over all too soon.

Anyhow I initially took an interest in roller derby for not so noble reasons but the sport is totally infectious. The physicality, dynamism, attitude, music and dancing make for a combo I haven’t seen anywhere before.  Dancing yes dancing!!!

Here's the kicker we went as a surprise for Fish but none of our lot said anything to her on the day. Well I suppose we surprised her and that's something :D

Ooh and I won a rather fetching red bag! Last time I won a hat, a purse and a pamper home spa kit thing! The purse is currently with Fish, I think. The kit was left for safekeeping with Eleanor so what I have is the hat and the bag.

Extra bit: Now I tend to write things over the course of days. This is because my memory doesn't function quite like everyone elses. I have bits that I have linked to other occurrences in my life and I sort of sort them according to importance and complexity. I picked up some of the subtlety of the sport yesterday that I didn't see in April.

This would be the level of communication between the rollergirls. They are constantly passing info apparently the pivot is the equivalent of a quarterback in american football or a flyhalf in rugby. I hadn't the foggiest! But I suppose that over time I am seeing more as I stop just staring in slack jawed awe. Also there was the sly moves that team members pull to help their jammers get through. The first time I didn't see any of this, neither did I hear any chatter during jams.

Three possibilities the first time I was overwhelmed. Anyone know if you can ever be just whelmed? An eternal question I first heard in 10 things I hate about you. Secondly we may have been sat too far away. This time we were pretty much in suicide seating, for those who don't know you sit on the edge of the outer track where refs skate and skaters with penalties and recycled jammers. I may be totally wrong about all of that I only read the rules once. Lastly the bombers may have levelled up and thats why I couldn't see these things before. I think the first is most likely.

I will be adding more but its late and I'm up at 04:00, milk party...for those who don't know I am an occasional milkman.

I also felt lazy as there is quite a bit more I could add, so for better or worse here it is. This is going to be a little general and sound like something of an excuse but it really isn't. No I'm serious it really isn't an excuse. Ok so a direct quote here: "we don't often win to be honest". At this I felt compelled to share my views on sport and winning. Whilst victory is awesome, how you get there is much more important in my book. Reminded of the story of a young boxing champ. His training, diet etc was so hardcore that he hated every moment of his life and only bit he enjoyed was winning. When asked is it worthwhile the answer that shot back was "only just!" Now say you put yourself through all that suffering and lose...what then?

So here's my take, enjoy what you're doing and if you win that's amazing. But if you lose then you had a kickass time anyway. Again NOT and excuse just how I'm seeing things right now. This links with the Bombers as they always appear to be having a great time, win or lose.

Something that I think stands as a testament to the niceness of the young lady we were trying to surprise is that she actually apologised for not finding the time to talk to us on the day. Now we show up, unannounced, knowing how busy bout day is based on our previous experience and still she said sorry. We were there to show our support for you and the Bombers :D This will no doubt embarrass her to some extent but seeing as I've started I may as well continue along this ilk.

Someone, who shall remain nameless, turned to me and said this several times on the day of the bouts. "XXXX is never meeting Fish, she's too hot!" The same person also uttered "I think I may have a girl crush on Fish"

And now for the poster I got!

 http://lincolnshire-bombers.com/

Razzo, TNTash, Total Melfunction, AK47 Guns, Wilde, Miggins and Arry. Written from memory so do may be totally wrong!

Even more to add, I know I suck! Well when we went to sit down Eleanor was a little annoyed as I've most likely mentioned already. But she adapted rapidly and preserved her modesty with some deft cardie utilisation. Now we were sat in what I now know to be "suicide seats", there's a warning sign and everything. It read something along the lines of "Suicide seating, 18+ only, you may end up with a roller girl in your lap, lucky you!" As you can imagine this sealed the deal and I stayed firmly in my suicide seat.

As a result there were several occasions when skaters came hurtling our way! But owing to their rather awesome ability to go from top speed to a dead stop my lap remained a roller girl free zone :-(. Now Eleanor strikes me as being rather fearledss but this thought was decimated on the day. I realise this is the wrong use of decimate as the thought was not divided into ten pieces but forgive me or kick up a fuss. I know none of you will :-P Everytime a collision between ourselves and a roller girl or ref looked likely she either leant behind me or grabbed my arm/leg. As much as I enjoy being useful I am not so sure about being a human shield.

That said taking impacts was a big part of what made me any good at sports. Henry Draper once broke his right hand on my face! Yep my head is that hard that it can break hands. This next anecdote is the one I'm more surprised by. I think we were in year 10 or 11 and KEVIS, Louth. We would regularly play rounders during the summer and I was on second base. Kat Hetherington was on first base and as the ball was struck into the air she set off for my base, as it was second and usually one would progress from first to second before moving onto third and finally fourth.

I was stood between second base and first base with my back to first base. This was because I had the ball heading my way and I wasn't about to drop a catch. I catch the ball and hear something of a kerfuffle coming from the opposition. I glance behind me to see Kat sprawled out on the grass. She had apparently legged it without looking and run straight into my mighty back. Now Kat is a very slight, in comparison to my hulking frame, and I honestly didn't feel a thing when she ran into me full pelt. So maybe if I were to take a hit from a roller girl at full speed it wouldn't be so bad!

I feel I should clarify that I was joking, I don't for one second think I would really stand much of a chance of staying upright if this were to ever happen. As tough as I was in my youth I am not the street fighting badman I once was. That said I'm still kinda curious to see how hard those girls hit...