The 1st day of March!

A Flash back from the 1st of March:

<<<Harp music instantly inducing a sense of nostalgia>>> Kinda only works for me and anyone who was there...
Up at 03:00 that day so I could energise my system adequately, kriya yoga. I then drove to Newark, where Paul was waiting. We bolted up to Durham and hung about the staff room drinking tea before shooting off to three schools. Varying levels of worry regarding the impending change of course, to be expected. I shan't go into detail, official secrets and all that mumbo jimbo.

So when we get back to Paul's it is around 15:30 and he advises me that since we've been on the go since 06:00 I should go home. I give him a wry smile and say "Raving not behaving tonight Paul!" Words to that effect anyhow :-P

Our first night out in Lincoln with the office! We did attempt this once before. I say we but it was Swapnal who talked about it happening then didn't inform anyone of the time or place until very shortly beforehand! Schoolboy error...of the 11 invited only 4 showed up to Rileys; Swapnal, Mark, Chris and me! We play darts, we suck at darts. I buy an overpriced pizza and call it a night. Pleasant enough but it was a let down in terms of turnout.

Back to the 1st of March! I arrive back at the office at 16:30, giving me thirty minutes to work. I type up something akin to a contact report and drive to Swapnal's so I can transform myself from mild mannered office bloke to an old school version of myself, all shall become clear.

Now here's where I made my first mistake, shoes. I found an old pair of rather swish looking formal shoes, and I think to myself "why don't I wear these anymore?" I got them back in 2005, when I first went off to Uni. Expressly for the purpose of formal hall dinners. I also pick an old silk shirt I haven't worn in a while. It is early March so as you can expect nighttime is going to be rather cold. In my infinite wisdom I couple a black silk shirt and jeans with a bright yellow vest :S moving on! Back in the day I'd have gone out in just the vest n jeans X-D

 Here's a pic of my big right arm. I noticed that the text was getting a bit overwhelming so I thought I'd break it up with this! Incidentally I only have the one big arm, ever noticed how I always stand with one side to the room and never square on??? 



Quickly get changed at Swap's place as we expect we've only got minutes before our office catches up to us. Not the case we had ages as they aren't the swiftest of walkers. We go to the Coop where they may have gone to get money out and see no one so we walk in to town.

Are you finding it odd that I can recall all these details of an event that happened 5 months ago? Well that's my memory for you, excruciating detail of every occurrence. From my birth to this moment...

It's not really that good :P but I do recall a hell of a lot more than "normal" people would. Admittedly I don't tend to remember anything that matters. Just stuff that has very little applied use. If I say that I don't remember something we've talked about then I am likely lying. I remember every conversation I've had since I was like 10 years old.

So the first stop is Rileys where there is a bit of a song and a dance about memberships. Once that's sorted we get to pool. Teams of two and I'm paired with Eleanor. At this point in time I don't really know Eleanor, I think she doesn't trust me. She's right not to, I am a crafty character... ;-) We play and thus break the ice, kind of. James and David are at a level that is beyond the rest of us, so they are left to dual each other.

Just as I'm getting back in the groove, potting left right n centre we head to the pub. At this point in time we are down one of the troops. That is because she was told we were off to Rileys and assumed it was the one we went to last time, when only four of us showed up. It is in the opposite direction to town so she agrees to meet us after we're done with Rileys. Am I making sense?

The green dot is where we worked, B is the Rileys she thought we'd gone to and A is the one we went to. As you can see it wouldn't make sense to head out of town to head back in. But thanks to Mark's crystal clear explanatory abilities Sarah joins us in the pub. I order after everyone else, on account of my securing the tables, so my mixed grill arrives as everyone is mid meal. Eleanor was kind enough to wait with me whilst I ordered, considerate girl! I unleash my eating demons and devour it in record time. Chris S and Emma make their exit around now.

Mark craftily creeps and successfully switches seats leaving the only open seat for Sarah right next to him, you sly lad you ;-) So Sarah arrives, I would include a pic but I daren't ask permission, and I think that Ollie Murs said it best:

Um yeah, let's move on...Eleanor spots a young man on the adjoining table. She goes on to express her new found affection for him as he appears...she can't quite find the word. I stare at him and come up with the word earnest. Apparently bang on :D Around now the conversation takes something of a toxic turn. Well I thought it was toxic so I interject with Marc Birch's genius conversational piece "what's your opinion on pandas?" Swift change of subject achieved! Like a boss!

Some time travel talk later she says "all the nice ones are gay...are you gay?" Now it's nice to hear that I class as one of the "nice ones" but she also thinks I may be gay! Insult? Compliment? combo of the two? I know not! 

I do conform to certain behaviours that have been associated with gay men:

• Obsession with weights
• Moisturising
• Soft s'
• Love of dance

Swapnal, James and David are having an in depth discussion about business. I'm spared the detail as I was still a lone wolf, well I sat in the corner plotting how to conquer...I think this is still a secret I'm not allowed to divulge. I'm not a secret agent or an assassin but then again that's exactly what a secret agent/assassin would say...I can say I work in the dairy industry and I was once covered in an experimental product during it's testing phase. As a result I have gained superhuman selling skills that I use every day to peddle FMCG!

Quo Vadis is where we are treated to an experience none of us shall soon forget. This is of course the master of disaster Mark Tin Tin Taylor on the prowl. He is like a force of nature that can not and will not stop. Approaching and opening many a set, this level of game is something I've only seen from "naturals" or someone who has been trained. There is another option I have come up with and that is that he is fearless in the face of rejection! I should also mention that his choice of drink came in a fish bowl which he cradles in one arm on to the dancefloor! This continues throughout the night...

We inevitably end up stood outside as some of our office peeps have a shmoke. The girls get cold and I, in a fit of chivalry, embrace them both to my ample bosom. It really is ample, ask anyone, I can't touch my elbows together it's so very, very ample. Oh and I was freezing cold as well, also any excuse for a hug! Turns out I'm not quite tall enough to effectively hug Elle with heels on. She even throws a sh*t test my way! Been a long time since any girl's tried that on me, made me laugh like a cliche villain.

Gerrard joins us at some point as he has just departed the business. Now Gerrard is in possession of a voice that could soothe a savage storm whilst simultaneously lulling several infants to sleep. You don't believe me? Then see for yourself!

Cigars! We can't get into Lola's as they don't let people in who wear trainers that look like they are made for sport. James is ready to argue the case but we move on. This is where it gets a little hazy I do remember martini's and sitting on some couches in Kind.

Sarah inexplicably develops hiccups, aren't all hiccups inexplicable? Phrenic nerve I know :D My first attempt resulted in possibly the worst photo that exists of me! As you can see blinded by the flash I look like a total bell-end!

The second attempt was a total success, breath holding contest! As I knew Sarah was likely to be very competitive, keen Rollergirl that she is. I also knew I'd win, in my prime I could hold me breath for 4 minutes, I won but that's not really important :-P

The girls depart as does James and Mark. Running down the street apologising left right and center for Marks speedy chat up attempts. Might just be me but if you're on a night out with girls and they call it a night does it always peter out afterwards? I've noticed this happen on at least 6 different occasions.

Swapnal, David, Chris and myself end up on Tokyo. I love to dance :-D much like Van Damme :D and we break up a fight, sort of, before heading home. Once at Swapnal's we spot a duvet in the hallway, strange. We head upstairs and see that the couch is occupied by a large lad who gives us a smile before falling back asleep. Swapnal makes me an offer I can't refuse, sharing his bed. This is all so sudden we've only known each other a few months...

We've got takeaway so we can't just go straight to bed, naturally we watch some 30 Rock! Yet to fully catch up with it myself, so much TV to watch it's unreal! After a few explosive turning over occurences, I move in bed like a sprinter out the blocks. I sort of launch myself into the air and land in a new position. That particular night though, anyone observing my actions may conclude I am infact fighting the wall. Elbows, knees and the odd heel. All in all a good nights sleep!

I've since slept in every bed in that house bar the one in Vicky's room. Only a matter of time ;-)

Oh and remember those shoes that I found that I never wore? Well here's why, they hack and slash at feet with a ferocity I have never encountered before! I now possess a scar on my left foot as a result!

From left to right: Sarah, Eleanor and me!
Easier to ask forgiveness than permission so if either of you lovely ladies are enraged then please forgive me ;-)

The ruturn...

Well my mother and brother are scheduled to return this week. Not much more to say on the matter other than the fact that I shall be doing a whole lotta driving as a result...YAY!

Listen closely, why have I bothered to put this here?

This blog started as a bit of an ego trip The Life and Days of Ron G: Superstar but owing to the guy in the picture I usually end up writing up his weekly shenanigans. He is a bit a show stealer! The master of disaster who last week lost his key shows up Monday morning wearing the same shirt he has worn for the past two days. James is winding up to give him hell but is quickly cut off by Mark. He pre-emptively blurts out "All my other shirts and in the wash! My mum washed this one at the weekend."

Then there is the story of this bobby dazzler of a pic. Now one of the businesses in our office, CMNC, updated their site to include us lot. You have see it all here. The pics were taken of a lovely warm day, the only issue was that the sun was wayyyyy too intense and there is an inordinate amount of foliage in the background. It was too much for Mark to take. Chin shadow...

Once Mark makes his millions, one of his five things to do before he dies, I would happily be his ghost writer. This lads memoirs would likely be a full time job! The five on his list were:  

1. Volunteer in Africa 
2. Own an Audi 
3. Become a millionaire - donate quite a bit to charity 
4. Explore the world -go to Vegas on the casinos 
5. Marry Mila Kunis, Beyonce, Rihanna or Kimberley Wyatt - not picky as long as it's one of them!

What are your 5 things? Come on you can tell me :-D

My five I hear you cry! Well when I first posted it I came up with

1. Climb a mountain
2. Play with a bear cub 
3. Learn to sing
4. See as many countries as possible
5. Talk to a shaman

Since then I've added skydiving and driving something really, really fast. Ideally I'd like to be able to fly! I don't mean planes etc I mean actually just take off and fly like a falcon, I say falcon because it sounds cool :D Part of me just wants to fall without the worry of coming to an abrupt halt.Also I want to do so much it's unreal, I want to do, see and be everything!

Christian, the all purpose handyman, was in today. Not sure why but that's beside the point as he brought his dog with him, Arthur! He's a choc lab who invaded the office and caused a very welcome disruption on an exceptionally hot day. Reminds me of the time Mandy brought her dog into the office :D I would bring my dog in but he sheds at a rate that would coat any room in a liberal layer of yellow labrador fur in a matter of moments. Also he's old so he'd just huff, puff and sleep all day, living the dream.

The first two days were spent racing to reach call targets. This was a race between myself and Swapnal, one I was winning :D As cunning as young Swapnal is, my extra four years have taught me a trick or two :P It would appear we've got something of a (I started writing something and got distracted by something, likely sleep. DAMN YOU SLEEP! Whilst totally necessary and rather pleasant it does get in the way of me doing stuff. :-/)

Our marketing genius is heading back from whence he came, a sister company. Now I first got to know Paul on a trip up to Rock Farm Dairy, to have a chat with some schools about pouches. Funnily enough I drove to a school today, storyboard in hand. The same day after my initial excursion to Rock Farm was our first official work night out! The date, the date, the date 1st of March? It was before Eleanor's birthday, 21st of March?

Hilarious number plates I saw on my five hour journey back, they were on a Maserati, Jaguar, Porsche, Astin and Bentley! Incidentally the last delivery I did with Swapnal we witnesses a man in a blue Bentley continental grooving out to the Radio 1 mix tape!

HAM S0N - The son of Ham
BRSIANA - I read this as BrisAna - bris!
AI FTD - AI - obv amd FTD - The heir to the thunder god's throne it is of course Flying Thunder Dog!
GE OAD - Geode like the crystaline structure or the amazing monster in your pocket that is Geodude! :D

In life I've faced down gangs, fought off large snakes, dealt with massive spiders, endured storms, survived crashes and I even managed to tell a girl I liked her. These experiences coupled with my tendency to over think/analyse everything made me think I had fathomed the depths of fear. But only now do I realise that you don't know fear until you've approached a bee hive at dusk, dressed only in rugby shorts and armed with nest killing powder.

All is silent so I boldly administer the powder to the entrance of the hive, as per the instructions on the bottle. Feeling cocky I let this thought form "take that insectoid collective!" Then the buzzing starts...narrowly quash a girlish scream, I muster what courage I have remaining and dose the area with more powder. The sound does not stop, instead of waiting for the inevitable angry outpouring I swiftly bound indoors and forget about it till morning!

I've tried poisonous foam, powder, adhesive and smoking embers. I need to find a way to produce some embers that will smoke for hours to scare these badboys off. Or I could always locate a local bee keeper, I'm sure they'd be only too happy to relocate these beasties.

Whilst driving on Friday, 7 hours on the road! Friday traffic is a nightmare! I was listening to the radio and Sara Cox had vampire weekend in the live lounge. I know nothing about the band but after some quizzing about falafel, cats and finding out what a flistle is I warmed to them.

Vampire weekend - Live lounge - Blurred lines - Listen closely around 1:26...

On Saturday I drove up to Lincoln and saw a bit of road I'd never driven down. A1500 amazing! Go drive it now and thank me later folks. I was heading to an old family friends house to help out with the prep of the accounts for a charity. Greeted by his wife and regaled with tales of their granddaughters. I've met the elder one but not the younger, apparently fearless, fantastic! We get to work and sort the accounts in record time. He also goes over the finer points of politics, ridiculous stuff that blows my mind. I now know just how naive I am to the workings of orgs. Also you know you've been to a Sri Lankan household when you leave with a bag of mangoes :-D

Heading back home so I can do some faffing about before heading to Heathrow to grab my mother and brother after their holiday. I think I fell asleep, bits of time are missing. I was also convinced someone had spiked my coffee that morning, tasted oddly of vodka! I've got the address of a local Mcdonanlds as well so I can grab some dinner before I head to the airport.

Man Mcdonalds sucks! The last time I went was after a 3 hour lettering marathon. Wasn't blown away that time either but the mind tends to dull the underwhelming nature of tings. I have a BCO and it is bland, dry bleurgh! After some time I swing over to the airport, park up and get to Arrivals. Now I am amped up on low-cal Monster. I can't sit still so I prowl around and realise I'm likely to raise alarm. I'm quite stocky, bearded, asian and I look like I am psyching my self up! So I buy a paper and sit down. Turns out this was a mistake, I knew the flight had landed but I thought that the bags would take forever to arrive.

Whilst I was sat down round the corner my family emerged and went in the opposite direction to where I was. X-O So we wasted about an hour! Suffice to say my mother was fuming, mostly at the situation, thank the gods for that one. Told tales of a "sweet" girl who threw up on the plane. Also mum is shattered but insists on trying to stay awake so I don't fall asleep. I am a bit of a stamina monster with regards to staying awake. 72 hours straight once, never again mind, well maybe if I meet the right crazy folks.

That's all for this week, now I did write a flashback to include but I've chopped it out and stuck it elsewhere. Made more sense :D

Self analysis 1

When you attempt something and it doesn't go your way, you feel down, right?

This is natural but to me it doesn't make sense. Approaching it from a survival point of view, everything about us is geared for it after all. That is to say senses, emotions etc. should all aid survival and not hinder it.

Am I making sense? I never get any feedback from the millions who glance my inane blabbering, so I'm pretty much sat here talking to myself!

So we are built to survive, agreed. Say you try to build a shelter and fail miserably. You'll feel down and not really want to build a shelter because you've failed at it. As a result of having no shelter your physical well being will be at the the whim of the weather. Now after a few days/nights of being toasted or excessively moistened you'll likely find your motivation to have another bash at building a shelter.

It's all about pay off. Whenever you do anything in a survival situation it is about what you get in return for an action. Returning to the shelter example, you put in a certain quantity of effort to try and construct the shelter and the first time you got nothing out of it.

So say you output 100 units of activity and get 0 in return. That's a pretty lousy deal right? So the body triggers a negative feeling to discourage this kind of activity i.e. activity that is unproductive. This, sort of, links back to a definition of insanity that's accredited to Einstein "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" Apparently not one of Albert's quotes anyone know where/who it originated from?

So the body is just trying to let you know that whatever you did last time didn't work so don't do it again. The issue is, for me at least, that I link the task with the emotion and not process/method I used. Back to the shelter, trying to build a shelter = failure and not whatever I did last time when trying to build a shelter = failure.

I feel better whenever I read that as it makes sense. This has been written very slowly, unlike everything else on here which is written at breakneck speed.

Have you ever done something and not expected anything in return for it? Certain tasks may not have any tangible returns. Such as volunteering, good deeds etc. But there is that sense of achievement/well being that comes along afterwards. Now I'm going to do something that is undeniably Hindu and that is quote the bhagavad gita! I am not religious but I have read the book a couple of times. This was primarily because it was given to me by someone who I think is awesome. What makes them all the more awesome is that they were incarcerated for many years but did not become bitter and twisted by the whole experience. If anything they became more peaceful!

The last time we met we spoke about personal limitations that are enforced, by ourselves, on a conscious or unconscious level. Such things as shyness, hesitation etc. Those two come to mind as they are two of the things I wish I didn't suffer from! Small things that we have come to accept as being "who we are" The annoying thing is that it's true. At that moment that is who we are. But I was definitely missing something and that is that it's only true in that particular moment. The fabulous thing about us human beings is that we have discretionary nature. That is to say we can choose how we are at any time. So whilst we may be a particular way this moment, if we were to choose and commit then, that does not have to be true in the next moment.

Does that make sense or am I being far too general again? Here's an effort at an example to illustrate my point. I used to work in the same office as an illustrator, I was about to go off on one of my tangential stories but I shall refrain, for now!

You work in a building with a lift that goes to the various floors. Your office is situated on floor eight and there is a friendly fellow who operates the lift. (I've never seen anyone who actually does this job!) Every day he flashes a friendly smile and offers a polite good morning. You do not smile and simply nod to acknowledge him in some way. Some people may think this is normal behaviour whilst others may see it as being a little cold. Either is ok by me but if you, the nodder, is bothered that you never return smiley good morning man's pleasantries then you've got a problem. You are doing something that is, in some way, causing you to suffer.

Now if you are the cause of your own suffering then you haven't really got much chance of relief. That is to say you can't really get away from yourself! Anyway back to my point...you don't have to act in that way. If you so choose you could act any way you want, the problem is the unfamiliarity. The threat is no longer physical but the reaction to the threat is as though it were physical. This is going to sound terribly airy fairy.

I have grown too attached to the idea of what I consider to be myself. The particular patterns of behaviour that I have adopted are familiar and comfortable. People have grown to expect those particular patterns from me and so they reinforce the idea that those behaviours are "me". Something of a prison that we help those around us to build for ourselves.

Does that make sense? I don't have anyone proof read my shtuff so it may not make sense. But I am painfully logical so I'm hoping that's good enough. This is by no means my own creations. I've listened to a lot of people speak about such things and read an awful lot too. Whilst what is said by each of them made sense it did not impact me at a deep enough level. That is to say I was not instantly changed. I had to experience, process and realise for myself. It has been a slow and painful process one which I am not done with, not even close.

And all that was an example of my reflective routine!

I will mostly bee...

I think bees have constructed a hive beneath my doorstep! I see them flying in and out of a gap in the stonework. I may have to shmoke them out, anyone else say/think smoke like Goldmember? No, just me then. There was one in the dismantled washing machine that I once spoke about here:

I also added a big more to last weeks Roller Derby post I kinda felt a bit weird after I posted twice on consecutive days about updating it. I wrote it quick so I didn't utilise my freakish memory to the fullest. It's pushing 2500 words now! But if you read the previous update then there's only an extra 500 :-P so just a little by my standards ;-) Click here if you can stand to read a bit more :D

Gave the washing machine husk a bit of a shake and they bogged off. There was also one being built above the gate of my paternal home back in Sri Lanka. I don't remember what happened to that one, fire is what comes to mind but I wasn't there when it was administered. The most recent story that kind of relates to this that I have in my vast repertoire is courtesy of my bouncing baby brother! He's 19 so naturally I have to treat him as though he were a newborn/toddler at all times.

A little background, he's basically me but a mucho thinner and a lot more raw. Do you have an image of what you're dealing with? Well let me add that he's furiously intelligent and a bit of a big girls blouse when it comes to insects. He captured a wasp in a plastic container and went off to take a shower. He then came to me and casually told me there was a wasp in a container. He didn't ask me to deal with it he just stated the fact and assumed I would leap into action. I did leap into action but that's because I love the adrenaline rush of handling a creature that could cause me the mildest of discomfort (!) Hope you're proud Eleanor I am using it :-D When I enquired as to why he'd left it in the container whilst he went off to shower his response was to let it "chill out."

So he's a first year med student and as such needs to gather experience much like a squirrel gathers nuts. Now that reminds me of the Picnic we had just before Marc exited Lincoln forever. There was a squirrel frolicking on a nearby tree and I just had to take a pic. In order to get the right angle I had to rise from my three legged stool. This sounds simple enough but when you get to my advanced age, 26, any departure from a seated position is accompanied by a sound. This time it was akin to a roar, which scared the skittish squirrel away!

Experience gathering! So whilst on "holiday" to Sri Lanka he's observing/tailing/working at a hospital. This is exactly what my father does when he's on holiday. He takes time off from his job to volunteer full time. The man can not stop being a doctor. In a way I admire that he's found "it." Spoke about "it" here . I am linking old posts mostly because I'm lazy and I don't want to say stuff I've already said.

So my bro is at a hospital in Sri Lanka, whilst there he needed to use the bathroom and hilarity ensued. Clear enough so no need to elaborate further, right? No? Ok well you asked for it! He is England born n raised so his digestive system is a rather sensitive when it comes to the cuisine of our homeland. In a rush he asks a likely looking nurse and is pointed in the direction of the staff toilets. What he finds are the all too common knee trembler style toilets. He's a resiliant enough lad and mans up and gets ready to go at it. That's when he spots something in the corner of the stall.

Any guesses from you likely lot? No Russia anything? Nepal? South America? Malaysia? The Netherlands? I knew it you bunch of lazy....

It was a nest! Not the kind of nest that delightful little birdies build when they are ready  to get it on and lay a few eggs. No this was a nest of hive insects. Not of bees but of wasps! And not one of the posh finished ones that looks like it's made of weathered rock. Oh no no this was one in in it's early stages so it looks like you're staring straight into some kind of horrible easter egg..

Another bee anecdote that comes to mind is about my beloved feisty feline, Tim the dog. He features in two FB come blog posts. Go in search of them if yee are interested :-P Anyway when presented with a bee or wasp how do you think a labrador would go about killing it? Now I realise that this is a little counter-intuitive, to think of a labrador killing something. Mostly because they look like this:

And are known for being a "soft" breed. That is to say they don't really know how to fight n kill etc. Retriever = finder after all.

• Well there is a bee and your yellow lab sees it and takes a dislike to it. 
• What happens next? 
• First guess would have to be a full on bite that grabs up clumps of grass etc along with the offending insect. 
• Nope that didn't happen.
• So what is a dog's next go too attack of choice...barking?
• Well no not that either.

He actually crushed the bee with his paw. This wasn't your usual heavy thud with an added little twist, like someone would do with a big boot. This was a series of stabbing/jabbing motions that hit the bee in rapid succession. Who knew he had it in him?!

So Thursday morning, following my morning kriya I am met by a phonecall... It's 06:45 in the morning so I am ever so suspicious about who it is and what they want. I'm hoping it is Her Majesty's Secret Service summoning me to save the world, again. It's my dad so not as exciting as HMSS requiring my unique blend of talents to save the civilised world, again. He asks if I am hunky dory and hands over to little bro. He proceeds to tell me a long winded story, where does he get his tendency for lengthy dotes of the anec nature o_O

There are many stray dogs in Sri Lanka, they are mostly harmless and wander about looking thin and sleepy. So he spotted two milling about outside and then sees one legging it with a bag in it's mouth. The dog deftly opens the bag to reveal a food that is hard to eat quickly at the best of times. It is something that dries the mouth and has a peculiar name, I think. Any ideas? Cream crackers of course! The dog digs in with much gusto but after a few mouthfuls slows his roll.

Oh and the living legend has returned from his holiday in Cancun. He returned with no souvenirs but what he lacks in merchandise he makes up for in stories. Here's a short excerpt: waiting for Amy outside the girls toilets, looking like a right perv! Some guy barges into me so I push him. He turns and hits me in the face, fuming! His mate can barely hold this monster back then the bouncers appear. They ask me my story and ask me to go outside a second. I know this game, I'm about to be kicked out. So I refuse. They are very insistent so I go and they tell me I've been kicked out. My friends appeal to the manager and after a long old time I'm let back in. I go speak to the manager trying to wrangle a free night for all the inconvenience caused. He's having none of it so I play the race card!!! And I'm kicked out again :-( FUMING!

Thursday evening it's about time I need to go to sleep so I am of course banging out a few crunches on my swiss ball. I once slept for several hours with said swiss ball in my bed, we're close like that. Mark calls me and asks if I've seen his golden key. Paranoia kicks in and I assume it's a wind up but then I notice he sounds worried. He's lost the second key that he needs to get into his house. I contemplate explaining the mechanics of locks but decide not too as he'd been out for "an hour" and was likely in no fit state to try something so dexterous. Anyway he sleeps over at Swapnals and kips on the couch.

So I am a milkman yet again and in the words of Swapnal Patel he and I have been double teaming Lincoln for the past week! 123 litres on Moday, 99 on Wednesday and 91 on friday making a grand total of 313 litres :-O. You want to see a boot full of milk? Give it a click and it'll take you on a journey to another post....Oh and the last time we had to do this Swapnal wasn't too fired up for the whole thing. But this time he literally had a spring in his step :-D I have a theory as to why, anyone who has had the pleasure of meeting him care to hazard a guess?

This time we got progressively quicker at deliveries! Practice does indeed result in drastically improved performance! But Steph I beseech you please don't make me do this again for a while at least. Early mornings don't go well with my new workouts. Funnily enough because of a reduced amount of sleep my moods were all over the place. I say that but I was mostly angry, like a bear with a sore head. It felt a lot like being in my mid teens again. A time of rage...

Whilst in this rage I am sat in traffic waiting to get home. Now I often feel the universe is teasing me and this time was no different. Looks like the last day of school, a time that marks change. A big day for those kids who'll be leaving school forever etc. But here I am too involved in my own misery to consider this. Then I see a dragonfly, hovering above the car in front of me. I turn gaze to follow it and spot a wheelie bin with the number 69 stuck to it X-D I am enormously mature so naturally I find this humerus! Odd insect followed by hilarious bin, well played universe.

To top it off there was a this waiting for me on the doormat! So someone I used to work with has started a shop on Etsy! I went and treated myself to a book and completely forgot about it a fair few times despite a post here

Yep that is a Tardis, some bandaging and a bottle of Tabasco sauce. Pretty much sums up my life! Time travel, injuries and chilli.

And I can recommend the book, not just because the author/illustrator is a mate. But because it humorously explains, some, of the mysteries of roller derby. If there is anything I know I "love" it's humour. I have spent many hours painstakingly researching "what funny is" and I can confirm that this book fits the bill. Plus you get free stickers! On a side note there are many more mysteries to Roller derby that need to be demystified. I think you should write an Fish's guide to Roller Derby :-D.

So Friday I found out another one of the lads I work with will be exiting the company. The fellow I've known even less time than the others. As always there are several posts on the blog relating the exodus of my dear downstairs office. Currently analysing why I feel the way I feel, the sadness is gone but there is still something left and it's not right.

Anyway the lad who is leaving, lovely boy. Appears to have found his focus and is now devoting himself to it wholeheartedly. A very open chap who has a good grasp of human interaction. Able to deftly endear himself, build relationships and manoeuvre power at will. I'm going to say something cryptic, either everything is sacred or nothing is sacred. Do you follow dear reader? :-p Stolen words that apply to this situation and let me say what I want to without being too blunt :D

Oh and how unbelievably awesome is Sherlock?!? Cold, brilliant, tea and punching americans! Kick ass music too, Sherlock - David Arnold if you're interested.

Yet another week...

Inspired title I know, please try to contain your gasps of astonishment.If you overgasp it is not my fault. If you're looking for roller derby goodness then it can be found here:
http://mgb2000x.blogspot.com/2013/04/roller-derby-awesome.html

Well I am all alone on team Local yet again! Well our ops man is back midweek so I am no longer alone :D Things are going well and it looks rather hopeful based on the changes that have been discussed. Next week I shall be donning up at the crack of dawn to head to a dairy, not once or twice but thrice! Yes that's right our plucky delivery driver is off for a week so I shall be picking up and dropping off milk all around old Lincoln town.

Whilst driving back from work one day I spied a creature by the side of the road. Initially I thought it must have been a cat as they tend to sit in warm areas generally being lazy so and so's. But as I approached it started to look less feline and more avian. It was in fact a lone chicken by the side of the road! Now that's what I call comedy!

There is something that I think I dreamt but I'm starting to believe this actually happened. This bit actually happened: An old friend showed up at my door late last week in something of a distressed state. I was confused to say the least as I live a long way away from any of my nearest and dearest amigos. The dude had actually travelled a significant distance to seek my help! Upon reflection my confusion deepened as I don't trust my own judgement! I won't go into detail but we stayed up talking and drinking till rather late that evening. I'm not sure I presented any solutions but I am a good sounding board and I can show you near enough every possible outcome from a potential course of action.

Had a birthday recently? There may be a mystery card you have received here's where it may have come from: I had wanted to send someone a card for their birthday but I had no idea of their exact address and I wasn't about to hand deliver a card as that would be at least a little weird.  I'd even drafted a funny message to go in said card. My old mate was cheering up and asked me why I was writing all this stuff. He'd read most of my blog, 16000 words +! I told him that I honestly didn't know but it rather enjoyed it so I just kept at it. Much like my continuous working out or intermittent beard growing.  

I keep fragmented notes whenever I have an idea and  he was reading my various scribblings and asked what the birthday message was about. I explained the situation and he looked very serious for a moment. I thought nothing of it and went to sleep as I was up early to do some banking. About an hour later he woke me up and asked me some questions! Now I was in a rather sleepy haze so I just answered and went straight back to sleep. That bit I'd decided was a dream as why would anyone ask me that particular series of questions?

When I awoke he'd gone but he'd left a short message which read "cheers for listening, I hope it all works out" What works out? This thing we call life? My quandary over whether a low carb diet was cutting my body fat thus revealing many surface veins or was my blood pressure uber high making them pop out? I am lost by the note he left. But I put it to one side and  thought nothing of it. Now here comes the worrying bit, a payment has been made from my debit card to a well known online card retailer. I called my mate to ask what he'd done and he tells me that he can't remember doing anything. So he may or may not have sent a card to someone for their birthday having somehow managed to find their complete address. Has anyone received a card that contains a very long message? In his level of inebriation he may have sent the card to any number of people, sorry!

Moving on I haven't trimmed me beard in a while so it's starting to resemble the mighty beast that it was in my first year of uni. The reason why is because I am lazy and haven't bothered, far too busy not eating carbs and not sleeping enough. I quite like having a larger beard as it makes my chin look enormous. Only problem is that the moustache has grown over my lip! Not an issue except for how it continuously gets all up in my beverages! After thinking about it for several days I decide that it is indeed time to trim. I quite like my beard trimmer but in my laziness, it's been sat on my bedside table gathering dust. 

It's 21:00 and I've been awake for 16 hours so it's not the best time for trimming. But why wait for tomorrow when you've got today, right? Walking to the bathroom I am filled with fear as I have an annoying habit of trimming a bit off here and then a little from here and before you know it things look ridiculous. I was forever trying to even up my sideburns, never managed it to this day.

When I switch on my beard trimmer a single startled moth flutters from it! It has been lying idle for so long that nocturnal insects have taken refuge within it! Anyways my moustache is in reasonable shape now and I have successfully avoided trimming too much off! :D I really want to grow one of those handlebar ones that ott villains have! Mostly because I see myself as more of a villain than a hero and if I have the stache then I'm halfway there! Just have to become diabolically clever and build a lair in a volcano!

Took the car to have two new tyres fitted, booked at a garage that was on my way to work. But then it turns out that said garage has moved to the other end of town, doh! Get it there the next day and they give me the equivalent model with the new body shape. I am not impressed! It's been made blander! But the brakes are seriously snappy and the throttle much more responsive. Freaked me out when I got back in my car afterwards. Seemed sluggish and slow to stop. Not a good combo, think I'm back in form. I also think my satnav has died :( sad times. Luckily I've got a backup stashed away. Now this is the height of opulence not one but two satnavs!

When leaving work today I spotted a hedgehog at the side of the long driveway out, I paused and pointed this out to Swapnal and David. Swapnal has a pic stashed away somewhere that he should share soon. 

 So as you can see I am popeye and my fuel of choice is sprite  :D There has been a can of sprite sat in the drinks holder on the passenger side since I dropped my family off at the airport a couple of weeks ago. This can did appear to have a bit of a bow going on along the top. In jest stated that it will surely explode one day. The universe saw this as more of a command... So when I go to pick up my car I see an odd shape where a regular can of sprite once was. At first I can't quite figure out wtf it is. I mean look at it. But it slowly dawns on me that it is in fact the result of leaving a pressurised can in a car on a hot day! Don't do it people things just get sticky!

Stephen K Amos once said that in life you have to "find the funnies. " A homeless man with a laptop or shouting baboon at three in the morning to a room full of people. This week the funnies were a thirsty hedgehog, an  exploding can and a girl showing off on a swing by spinning upside down only for her phone to fall out of her pocket to the ground!

Liver...

Now I've had liver once before, well I lie I've had liver several times before but usually in the form of a pâté. The only time I've had it without it being ground up was the first time I tried it. This was several years ago in Nottingham. We used to have an annual Christmas meal at the house that involved the gathering of such legends as Phil, Dawson, Richard, Burak, Rick, Chris, Sreek, Haseler Sr. and Jr., Pete and my good self. If I've missed someone it's only because you don't matter :P

Anyway those of you who have cooked poultry will know that giblets roast along with everything else adding to the awesome flavour of the juice that eventually becomes the gravy. Giblets consist of neck, heart, gizzard and liver? Anyway one particular time the lunch was running late, as always and I was hungry. I am pretty much in a constant state of peckishness that I have managed to keep at bay with massive amounts of self discipline and fruit.

So I start munching on the giblets. Have a go at the heart, it's ok and then there is the liver. It looks weird, I know that is kind of a weird thing to say  but I take a big bite and it...is...amazing! Smooth, rich, creamy I'd never tasted anything like it. I was so blown away I offer some to Phaseler so he too may enjoy the awesomeness! Any way this kicked off my love of liver. Or so I thought.

Late last week I was perusing the aisles at the local supermarche and I spied chicken livers! Total no brainer as I love all things liver. So I get some and I am all giddy about how excellent they are going to be! Anyhow I get round to opening up these badboys and the smell is what hits me first. I am not squeamish in the slightest but this stench makes me think that these livers are not meant to be eaten!

A few examples of how un-squemish I am I've disposed of several dead half decayed animals that have inexplicably appeared on the premises. The weirdest of these was an expired hedgehog that was in the driveway with it entrails strewn behind it like they had just exploded out. Have you ever seen a dead hedgehog at the side of the road blown up like a balloon waiting to pop? How about the explosive whale video? Even if your answer is yes then it's still worth watching again.

Anyway I plough on and chop it up and begin frying it off. The smell does not subside with cooking. After a few mins it looks done so I pop a bit in my mouth and it is so rich that I am really taken aback. I manage about half of what I cooked along with a salad and had to give the rest to Tim. Who didn't have any issues disposing of it.

On a side note I am seeking the perfect homemade burger recipe. I've tried adding egg yolk + various spices and salt. Think my problem is I tend to make them too big so they take ages to cook. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Moustache woes

This week I've been given the helm of the good ship local. The usual helmsman, a flamboyant yorkshire man, is away on holiday. In his absence we have come to realise that he does way more than you think. Spending a fair bit of time emailing here n there.

I've also stopped trimming my beard back to a pedestrian length. I think it looks better for it but now my moustache is being unruly. It appears to have split into four separate parts. The bit that's directly under my nostrils, separated by my philtrum, and the side bits.

What do I do with the bits that won't be tamed? shorten them? Wait to see if they become more tameable as time passes? Any moustache aficionados out there want to help a brother out? Of course there are loads of you packing a killer tache out there that just aren't willing to post a helpful comment...just because you bleach your moustache doesn't mean it's gone!

There is a hedgehog that lives somewhere in my front garden. It may well be the same one from here:
http://mgb2000x.blogspot.com/2013/04/tim-labrador-and-legend.html

That's him there he's 12 but still has the same level of enthusiasm as he had as a pup. Even though he sees me every day! How does he do it, if I saw me near enough every day for 12 years I'd get pretty sick of me. Lovely fellow.

Saw him after driving back from Marc's farewell picnic. was sat in the drive that time. This time he, dunno if it's a he or a she tbh, was wandering around the front garden. I got within my explosive closing distance. This is the distance at which you can not escape my grasp. From my days as a street fighter/rugby player. So I could've dived, grabbed the hog and rolled to my feet in triumph. Well at least that's how it goes in my head. In reality I think I would have either landed on the hog from the hedge or missed it altogether and faceplanted on the lawn. This bit is just so I don't leave and odd bit of line sticking out. Well I think it looks awful so these words are odd filler.

So the working week ended with a nice surprise. I was awarded a bottle of wine! For services to transport, I basically ferry the workforce to and from work. Only other thing I'd gotten from work to date was free milk, a rather fetching fleece and getting to meet some rather kickass individuals :D

Got back in touch with an old acquaintance, always nice to hear from folk from my past. Now I realise the past doesn't exist it's just an illusion created by memory etc. Anyone who I haven't been in contact with for a while do just randomly drop me a line. I spend a lot of my time working out, reading, gaming and writing these monstrous morsels of verbosity. So if you do get in touch you will be disrupting goings on of the highest importance (!)

I finally got a frame for the awesome photo Marc gave me before he left Lincoln forever. I also stuck a quote I got someone to write for me in a frame. If you are reading this thank you for indulging me so often. It shall fit in nicely amongst all the other things that I have inexplicably held onto over the years. A pheasant's tail feather, a swiss milk thing, three old watches, a small empty bottle of Jack Daniels, an enormous empty bottle of grolsch, some black lightning. That's right I have trapped black lightning and I'm storing it in my room.

This week was also the first time I used a nose hair trimmer. Graham Norton was a guest on the one show, some time ago, and asked Adrian Chiles if he'd ever used a nose hair trimmer. Adrian was saw this a question that crossed some boundaries but reluctantly answered yes. Graham went on to describe it being a lot like what it would be like to put a bee up your nose. I can confirm that Graham was right it is a lot like having a bee up your nose.

Now I haven't had a bee up my nose but I have had a wasp up my nose before. I was young and someone had dropped some cake, thus attracting wasps to the scene. I was too busy charging around being a small boy to pay attention to the small swarm that had amassed in the vicinity. One went up my nose and I nonchalantly closed the other nostril and blew it out. One mother observed this and the word spread like wildfire eventually reaching the ears of my overprotective mother. She descended in a flurry of high pitched worry. I was fine of course and insisted that she unhand me immediately so I may continue haphazardly running about.

Now some time my world was jolted quite a bit details are strewn across this blog so I shan't repeat myself. One of the things that I stopped doing subsequent to what happened was polishing my shoes. Since I was in year eight I have always polished my shoes every week, now that's thirteen years.

Anyone out there, who doesn't know how old I am, care to hazard a guess based on the previous statement? I thought not...

Anyway it's been a couple of months of not polishing my shoes and today I buffed up the badboys :D. Now this may be something that I am blowing out of all proportion but I think it shows I'm moving on. Funny thing is I'm living on my own atm and I thought that this would lead to me descending into the depths of depression and darkness. But quite the opposite, I caught myself getting out of bed dancing! I've actually been dancing a rather frequently. Now dancing is something I LOVE to do. I can't emphasise how much I love to dance! This is not me bragging about how amazing I am at dancing, as I am average at best. But it just fills me with such awesomeness :D

I've also realised that I do like to write shopping lists, get in the car and drive to the supermarket without the list!

Sunday, I awoke and got my yoga on. Today was to be the day for afternoon tea! Or so I thought...
I was masterfully manipulated into going to Damon's Restaurant and Motel by the that sly siren of subtle suasiveness E Bizzle! I'm being unfair as all it took was a simple question, Damon's? Spent a good proportion of my morning fretting over whether or not I would be able to find a house I had been to at least a dozen times. The issue is that I had always been directed to the house and as such had never had any reason to commit it to memory! Luckily I knew the view from the window as it was the desktop background of aforementioned suasive siren. Funny thing is once I pulled up outside the house and looked into one of the windows I knew I was at the right place. I could see the outline of a disney princess or two.

Bit of a drive hither and dither which I thoroughly enjoyed. I love to drive. I've been driving for as long as I can remember and I've likely done more miles than most people my age. I've probs covered 15,000 miles a year at least, so 10 years on the road = 150,000 miles! I once did 2000 miles in a week! Ah I sure have spent many hours on the road.

After the road we pulled into Damon's and I was reunited with my old friend the chicken wing! I've not partaken of this poultry delight since my defeat, which can be seen here https://www.facebook.com/ribsnbibs Look for a sincere face of defeat wearing a rather kickass T. They have not been spoilt by the experience and I polished of 10 :D There is a bold claim from my fiendish fellow foodie that the ribs at Damon's are better than the ribs at Ribs'n'Bibs. Having never tasted the ribs from the latter I would like to ascertain by a show of hands which is better? Or we could differ to Harry Hill's preferred method of settling stalemates...FIGHT!

The ribs were rather lovely, ooh I almost forgot I had bread for the first time since the BBQ at Birchwood! Carbohydrates I hate you but I love you...

As a result of the awesomeness of the ribs my hands now smell delightfully smokey and sweet! What followed was a banoffee pie with ice cream. I've not been so full in quite a while and was unable to polish off the slice! I have grown weak in my old age...or all this dieting has actually depleted my previously inexhaustible reserves of gastric capacity. A short drive back to the house and we parted company. I always hate it when a party ends but then again from what I can see this is one long party...