Secrets...

Likely to be a post I don't publicise. I wonder how many will discover it? My money's on one, Highlander style...there can be only 1. Or Lord of the Rings style.

This is a thought process that has lead me to believe that it's all smoke and mirrors, illusions. Anyone read Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah? If you ask nicely I may lend/send you a copy. Lots of layered illusion to overcome. A nice and easy one is where we walk. On footpaths right? But why? Because that's what we are supposed to to, also they are safe and usually free of vehicles.

So the nub of this is the illusion of self. I had that nagging fear about death that wrote about back here. I seems to have gone now that I've come to this idea/working theory/something I don't know how to classify. Self a collection of tendencies based on previous experiences. But what is self is constantly changing. Cells are born, grow old and are replaced. What was "your" skin today is dust tomorrow. What was your dinner today becomes your flesh, blood and bone tomorrow. Maybe not that quickly but you get the gist right?

So the body is constantly being renewed so it is not constant. Once you grow up you have a basic frame that you consider yourself. It may get a little wider, narrower, firmer, saggier, greyer etc. but as it's constantly being renewed it's not the same. It may appear the same but it is not the same. Had a shot of rum in my vanilla chai so this may be the slightly tipsy ravings of a borderline narcissist.

So body is not constant, so what about conciousness? That's stored in the mind, right? Staying relatively scientific as the esoteric/mystical mumbo jumbo is too soothing. Solace, something that is nice but something intellect won't allow to remain in place for too long. If the very basis of conciousness is being renewed/rebuilt regularly then is this a continuity? Or a series of snapshots stitched together using the faculty of memory? Take 20 photos of any moving object per second for ten seconds and then run through them at a rate of 20 photos per second and the image will appear to move.

Does that make sense to anyone or am I really barking up the wrong bush

My fear of death appearing to be gone. Well I think that's because I don't really exist at all. Much like a record of events my mind has recorded everything that has happened around me to date. This record is maintained and accessed when faced with new situations day to day. So what is there that's "me". Broken down and rebuilt constantly. A copy, of a copy, of a copy.

I thought the truth about life, would be bigger, hit harder, maybe this isn't it or all of it. Perhaps a small portion. Hmmm. I don't know!

The Question

From here where they've got a buttload of covers

The question is of course a, I was going to say superhero but he's not. Doesn't have super powers so lets go with sleuth/crimefighter. He was also briefly a black lantern but let's not get into that. I'm not referring to this suave investigator when I say the question. I've been plagued by it since I was eight. Nearly two decades of pondering and I haven't got an answer. Well I have a answer that makes sense but it's such a tragedy.

I think I've written about the question before. Most of these are just vastly reworded versions of previous posts. Now I've said that you just have to go back and read my entire back catalog, right? :-P A feat that would take even the most herculean of readers a few days, weeks, months? How fast would a herculean reader be? Hercules was strong but fast? I suppose explosive strength and speed go hand in hand. Anyways I'm quite a fast reader but I'm terrible at finishing books. I currently have six or seven books on the go. I dip into them and then forget about them. Oh here's where I wrote about the question before. Those life changing moments!

The question is of course what's next? Not what's next for me but for us all, ultimately. I heard it put rather bluntly and elegantly by my favourite mystic. The body is walking in one direction only...straight towards the grave. Physically the form you identify as me will die. As a child we all hold idea that the next step is heaven, well most of us do. I am a hindu but because I grew up a predominantly christian culture when I thought of afterlife, I thought of heaven. But now I don't know what to believe.

Nicked it from here. I think Satan got the short end of the stick. But that's a story for another day.

Leads me neatly to belief and knowledge. The difference between the two...proof? No proof like mathematical proof, am I right? Don't get too excited or worried, I'm not about to dive into some elaborate mathematics about life and death. But tell me this dear reader, do you believe you have two arms?

How many's that?

100% of you???

Now tell me do you believe you have two arms OR do you know you have two arms? Another bit of spiel I nicked from the mystic. You can say what you like about him but he sure can spin a yarn!

So my reason leads to believe that at the end of life there is nothing. The lights go out and they don't come back on again. It still scares me a little, the thought of eternity in the void. Well it wouldn't be in the void, just darkess, nothing... I am such a ray of sunshine in the depths of the British winter, no? But knowing it will all end could come as a comfort for some, the struggle of day to day life. But to others it's a tragedy that this fabulous ride has to ever come to an end. Makes me think that there is truth in the old adage that time flies when you are having fun. If you are miserable minutes feel like hours and days feel like entire eternities! Alternatively if you are joyful your life flies by in the blink of an eye! Slow and painful or fast and fabulous?

Knowing this won't last, provides some rather compelling motivation to make the most of it. At least that would be the most joyful way to live it out. I mean you're at this awesome party for x amount of time, should you live it up or should you mope in the corner cos it's cloudy/rainy/you don't have enough cash/a big enough car/ etc!? Life's too short to be annoyed with every fool, tool, dullard etc. Fume free as my esteemed associate Mark Taylor would say.

Anyone know what these lovely contraptions are?

They are of course fume cupboards, particularly useful when working with smelly/poisonous chemicals. I think they may serve as a welcome deterrent to fuming in general, stop it or you'll have to in the fume cupboard. Are we all savvy with the law of conservation of energy? Energy cannot be created or destroyed it can only be changed from one form to another. For example chemical energy can be converted into light, heat and sound. Burn a candle and the wax does exactly that. Heat doesn't really exist. Not sure if that's the best way of expressing that but heat is an expression of the kinetic energy something has.

It's from this law that the idea of reincarnation being practically true occurred to me. As is the way I am not the first person to arrive at this idea. One U.G. Kirshnamurti said as much on death. "When clinical death takes place the body breaks itself down into it's constituent elements and that provides the basis for the continuity of life." I'd have waffled forever trying to express that idea. UG was a genius! Everything that can be considered as a human being is of the body, even the mind is contained within. When death occurs the system loses all heat to the surroundings and is broken down at the cellular level. But if it is not sealed off then it is absorbed back into nature and will become "alive" once again.

Yep circle of life people. There's a lot to be learnt from a disney movie ;-). And how awesome is James Earl Jones' voice! So in that way the body is immortal. It just continues to shift from one form to another. But what of the personality? Whatever energy makes up the personality is recycled as well. So that really dies, by this line of reasoning. What is personality exactly? How do you define a personality? Characteristics and or qualities, put a bunch of those together and there's a personality. Is that really all we boil down to? Finding that a rather dull tbh.

Not checked up to see how accurate this is!

Anyone seen breaking bad? Or Full Metal Alchemist?In both there is a run down of the elements that make up the human body. The pic above shows that that's it. But as mentioned before that's not what makes up a human being. There's the bit between the ears, that dwells in the brain, that writes poetry, music and produces fabulous art. That bit is also physical format it in a particular way and you have me, fiddle with that a bit and there's you.

This is a line of reasoning that I find interesting. How many dimensions do we exist in? three right? Those are the physical dimensions. But you are probably aware of the fourth dimension, time. And we move through that as well. This video explains this much better. How many dimensions did you follow it up to? I got to seven before I felt rather confused and like my head was going to explode. Wonder what a twelfth level intellect can comprehend. So a fifth dimensional being would be able to perceive the entire lifespan of an object in an instant. Being able to move in higher dimensions opens up an interesting can of worms.

This can is labelled cause and effect. Cause precedes effect but not if you can move about in higher dimensions. Everything is apparent at once so the cause and the effect are happening at the same time. All rather confusing and makes me feel not so smart. I did briefly forget why I got into this at all! But I've remembered, yay! The cause would be be the body and the effect would be the personality.  There is a rather interesting article here:

http://apeaceful-warrior.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/a-book-titled-biocentrism-how-life-and.html

It goes into quantum physics and that's something I don't even pretend to understand. Inflationary theory, parallel worlds etc. sure I can appreciate the idea but the quantum world confuses me like nothing else.

I have not come to any conclusions as the only way to know is to go. Not quite ready to call it day so it may be a while before I step into the void. Much to do, see, hear, smell, feel and write before I kick the bucket. Reminds me of the black guy in Gladiator, "Not yet..."

Impact...

I did start writing this ting quite a while ago but got sidetracked...something has happened that makes me think maybe it's time to see this through. 

Hope yall don't suffer the length of this too much, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID ;-D

There have been times when my perception has flipped, instantly, on a certain subject.

Has anyone else had this happen?

Strange thing is that we are, usually, formed into who we are over years. Opinions, behaviours etc. A process that is so slow that we don't really notice it happening. But if something makes sense and stands in direct contradiction with how you saw the world before, then would you accept it?

Well I would and do but not before playing my favourite thing to do in the world ever, devil's advocate :-D.
Old habits die hard n as yall know I love to argue the toss. I initially thought the whole world was like this but alas, after some experimentation, I came to find that this is not the case. Far from it! Other than those in my immediate family there is only one other I have come across who likes to chew over everything! You know who you are, never change! Wonder if you read these, I'd like to think you do but I know you are too busy living :-D

E.G. 1
So I guess I better give you a few examples of when this has happened to me right? This first one is a loss of innocence that we all go through at some point in time. But because of my uber memory I know exactly when it happened to me. This is the idea that death really is the end. Now when we are young, most of us, are told comforting tales of heaven/afterlife etc. I mean no disrespect to anyone who is religious. I don't know what lies beyond and this is about the point in time when I realised that the afterlife may not be a certainty.

There was a lovely gent who used to coach my dad in various writing techs for his exams. I too have never been one for writing stuff at school. I sucked at history n english, I didn't know what was being asked of me so I didn't know how to structure my answers. My dad is the same way + we tend to be too concise. Hehe yep I do tend to be concise when I'm being assessed. Anyway after a while the guy became a family friend and we used to go hang at their house from time to time. I also had a bit of a crush on his daughter Megan, I was 6/7 at the time. They lived relatively close to where we lived in High Wycombe. After we moved to Grimsby we once went to stay the weekend.

We got there late, no idea of the time but it was dark. And that's when it hits me. I don't know why it occurred to me but the image was my body in a grave. Now this was a shattering of something that had been enormously comforting. The end of this conciousness, darkness etc. Scared the bejesus out of me! So much so that I didn't sleep that day. It's kept me up on occasion since as well. I've come to terms with it and see it as more of a motivation than something to fear.

It's gonna happen so why spend all your days fearing it? Surely everything should be sweeter if you know that it's not gonna be that way forever? If I don't stop here we'll end up going down a road about moments and uniqueness :-O

E.G. 2
Heavy stuff right? Let's lighten things up with a bit about our nations overly verbose, dandy, lady killer that is of course Mr. Russell Brand. Now he's a bit like marmite, savvy? I personally think he's a genius after seeing his stand up and how he regularly runs rings around politicians and broadcasters. Flawed for sure. There was a time when I thought he was a waste of space. Back in the days when I was a fresh faced student of the University of Nottingham. Some where down the line we were discussing Mr. Brand and how he was indeed very funny but that did not redeem his other more annoying traits. I presented the well known fact that he was an addict.

Perhaps it was my upbringing or just what society thinks as a whole but for many years I always thought that if someone was addicted to something then they are bad. I presented this to Richard, a devout Christian and all round awesome bloke. His response to my point was

"Just because he's an addict that doesn't make him a bad person"

Now this is mad so much sense it knocked the momentum out of my argument machine. I stopped in my tracks and had to have a good long think about WTF was going on. It resulted in a restructure of my thinking around addiction and addicts. Where the blame/responsibility lies etc. So that's the end of my second example!

E.G. 3
So here's one of my more extreme views that may end up in many of you turning your backs on me.

 

Hopefully this example of how extreme a move turning your back on someone is, will prevent any premature back turning that may occur ;-).

So here we go! I thought that modern medicine had gone too far. We were extending life expectancy as well as keeping people alive who would have died without medical intervention. My thoughts on this stemmed from the belief that the world is overpopulated and we are heading for a crisis the likes of which humanity has never seen. Food, water, land etc. Without concious action from us all then future generations are in for what I've come to call a painful correction. I hope it doesn't come to this as it will truly be terrible.

So the idea of being against medical procedures that extend life meant that I was against organ donation. A way of extending a life that would have otherwise ended. This view is an oldie from my days as a bit of a hardass douche who thought that subtlety was not the answer. Things had to be severe. I think this is what they call a "young man's problem." Everything has to happen quickly etc. Still impatient but slowly learning that the world moves at a pace akin to a zombie snail that has been hit with a hefty dose of slow down serum.

So this discussion popped up at work one day. And I was witness to an emotional exchange from a co-worker, SDRG, afterwards I saw the flaw in my argument. It was the level of sincerity and rawness of emotion that opened my mind to the possibility that I might be wrong. The flaw is where to draw the line and who makes the call. For example are antibiotics ok but a heart surgery not ok? And who the hell is qualified to make that call?

I arrived at one of my either it's all ok or none of it is ok. And I am not qualified to make that decision. Based on that exchange and the subsequent reasoning I am now an organ donor. I've got one of those fancy cards and everything!

Strangely enough longevity kinda runs in the family. So by the time I'm done with my organs they'll likely be no use to anyone anyways. Maybe some wannabe doctors will be let loose on my corpse. I've put my body through so much that I reckon it'd make quite the interesting study tool. Lots of healed up bits in pieces for them to puzzle over! For example an orthopaedic surgeon was giving my lower back a once over and almost recoiled when he started palpating my muscles. Turns out there are enormous knots in the muscles of my lower back the likes of which he's never seen!

E.G. 4
This is a bit of an odd one that gave me a peek into the nature of reality! And it happened whilst listening to Eminem - Lose Yourself, there it is if you want to have a listen.


It's the bit at the beginning:

"If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment. Would you capture it or let it slip?"

Now I was 15 when this happened, on a school bus heading home. I'd heard this song many, many times before and then I actually listened to the opening. And it was like BOOM! I was still a teen so tried to seize the one dream I had at the time. That was to play rugby :-D. Dunno if the guys noticed but I got super motivated and built some rather mean speed for a guy my size as well. At the time I was about 100kg, well I'm currently around that weight but I have been immobilised for a couple of weeks so...

My luck being what it is I got into the best form of my life! And just before I could unleash this lean, mean rugby machine upon our rivals my hamstring snapped. As I already mentioned I'm a large lad and it'd be a bit of a feat to carry me off the pitch. Well it'd have been a doddle if the team could access the medical room, within which there was a stretcher for such occasions as this! But we couldn't find the key :-/ So the coaches team up and with their combined might they manage to get me halfway back to the clubhouse before having to call for reinforcements! Funny thing was they carried me off the pitches past my dad who was waiting to take me home in the car. He glanced my way but didn't recognise me in the dark!

This thought of being able to capture what you want in the moment has followed me around forever since! Moment to moment we are presented with choices/opportunities. Our ability and willingness to seize them dictates if we can get what we "want" At least that's how I see it :-D

There are quite a few more that I can think of but if I were to scribe them all down then I'd turn this post into something resembling a tediously long book. If you have any moments that have done something similar for you please share. I'd love to hear all about them!

I will mostly bee...

I think bees have constructed a hive beneath my doorstep! I see them flying in and out of a gap in the stonework. I may have to shmoke them out, anyone else say/think smoke like Goldmember? No, just me then. There was one in the dismantled washing machine that I once spoke about here:

I also added a big more to last weeks Roller Derby post I kinda felt a bit weird after I posted twice on consecutive days about updating it. I wrote it quick so I didn't utilise my freakish memory to the fullest. It's pushing 2500 words now! But if you read the previous update then there's only an extra 500 :-P so just a little by my standards ;-) Click here if you can stand to read a bit more :D

Gave the washing machine husk a bit of a shake and they bogged off. There was also one being built above the gate of my paternal home back in Sri Lanka. I don't remember what happened to that one, fire is what comes to mind but I wasn't there when it was administered. The most recent story that kind of relates to this that I have in my vast repertoire is courtesy of my bouncing baby brother! He's 19 so naturally I have to treat him as though he were a newborn/toddler at all times.

A little background, he's basically me but a mucho thinner and a lot more raw. Do you have an image of what you're dealing with? Well let me add that he's furiously intelligent and a bit of a big girls blouse when it comes to insects. He captured a wasp in a plastic container and went off to take a shower. He then came to me and casually told me there was a wasp in a container. He didn't ask me to deal with it he just stated the fact and assumed I would leap into action. I did leap into action but that's because I love the adrenaline rush of handling a creature that could cause me the mildest of discomfort (!) Hope you're proud Eleanor I am using it :-D When I enquired as to why he'd left it in the container whilst he went off to shower his response was to let it "chill out."

So he's a first year med student and as such needs to gather experience much like a squirrel gathers nuts. Now that reminds me of the Picnic we had just before Marc exited Lincoln forever. There was a squirrel frolicking on a nearby tree and I just had to take a pic. In order to get the right angle I had to rise from my three legged stool. This sounds simple enough but when you get to my advanced age, 26, any departure from a seated position is accompanied by a sound. This time it was akin to a roar, which scared the skittish squirrel away!

Experience gathering! So whilst on "holiday" to Sri Lanka he's observing/tailing/working at a hospital. This is exactly what my father does when he's on holiday. He takes time off from his job to volunteer full time. The man can not stop being a doctor. In a way I admire that he's found "it." Spoke about "it" here . I am linking old posts mostly because I'm lazy and I don't want to say stuff I've already said.

So my bro is at a hospital in Sri Lanka, whilst there he needed to use the bathroom and hilarity ensued. Clear enough so no need to elaborate further, right? No? Ok well you asked for it! He is England born n raised so his digestive system is a rather sensitive when it comes to the cuisine of our homeland. In a rush he asks a likely looking nurse and is pointed in the direction of the staff toilets. What he finds are the all too common knee trembler style toilets. He's a resiliant enough lad and mans up and gets ready to go at it. That's when he spots something in the corner of the stall.

Any guesses from you likely lot? No Russia anything? Nepal? South America? Malaysia? The Netherlands? I knew it you bunch of lazy....

It was a nest! Not the kind of nest that delightful little birdies build when they are ready  to get it on and lay a few eggs. No this was a nest of hive insects. Not of bees but of wasps! And not one of the posh finished ones that looks like it's made of weathered rock. Oh no no this was one in in it's early stages so it looks like you're staring straight into some kind of horrible easter egg..

Another bee anecdote that comes to mind is about my beloved feisty feline, Tim the dog. He features in two FB come blog posts. Go in search of them if yee are interested :-P Anyway when presented with a bee or wasp how do you think a labrador would go about killing it? Now I realise that this is a little counter-intuitive, to think of a labrador killing something. Mostly because they look like this:

And are known for being a "soft" breed. That is to say they don't really know how to fight n kill etc. Retriever = finder after all.

• Well there is a bee and your yellow lab sees it and takes a dislike to it. 
• What happens next? 
• First guess would have to be a full on bite that grabs up clumps of grass etc along with the offending insect. 
• Nope that didn't happen.
• So what is a dog's next go too attack of choice...barking?
• Well no not that either.

He actually crushed the bee with his paw. This wasn't your usual heavy thud with an added little twist, like someone would do with a big boot. This was a series of stabbing/jabbing motions that hit the bee in rapid succession. Who knew he had it in him?!

So Thursday morning, following my morning kriya I am met by a phonecall... It's 06:45 in the morning so I am ever so suspicious about who it is and what they want. I'm hoping it is Her Majesty's Secret Service summoning me to save the world, again. It's my dad so not as exciting as HMSS requiring my unique blend of talents to save the civilised world, again. He asks if I am hunky dory and hands over to little bro. He proceeds to tell me a long winded story, where does he get his tendency for lengthy dotes of the anec nature o_O

There are many stray dogs in Sri Lanka, they are mostly harmless and wander about looking thin and sleepy. So he spotted two milling about outside and then sees one legging it with a bag in it's mouth. The dog deftly opens the bag to reveal a food that is hard to eat quickly at the best of times. It is something that dries the mouth and has a peculiar name, I think. Any ideas? Cream crackers of course! The dog digs in with much gusto but after a few mouthfuls slows his roll.

Oh and the living legend has returned from his holiday in Cancun. He returned with no souvenirs but what he lacks in merchandise he makes up for in stories. Here's a short excerpt: waiting for Amy outside the girls toilets, looking like a right perv! Some guy barges into me so I push him. He turns and hits me in the face, fuming! His mate can barely hold this monster back then the bouncers appear. They ask me my story and ask me to go outside a second. I know this game, I'm about to be kicked out. So I refuse. They are very insistent so I go and they tell me I've been kicked out. My friends appeal to the manager and after a long old time I'm let back in. I go speak to the manager trying to wrangle a free night for all the inconvenience caused. He's having none of it so I play the race card!!! And I'm kicked out again :-( FUMING!

Thursday evening it's about time I need to go to sleep so I am of course banging out a few crunches on my swiss ball. I once slept for several hours with said swiss ball in my bed, we're close like that. Mark calls me and asks if I've seen his golden key. Paranoia kicks in and I assume it's a wind up but then I notice he sounds worried. He's lost the second key that he needs to get into his house. I contemplate explaining the mechanics of locks but decide not too as he'd been out for "an hour" and was likely in no fit state to try something so dexterous. Anyway he sleeps over at Swapnals and kips on the couch.

So I am a milkman yet again and in the words of Swapnal Patel he and I have been double teaming Lincoln for the past week! 123 litres on Moday, 99 on Wednesday and 91 on friday making a grand total of 313 litres :-O. You want to see a boot full of milk? Give it a click and it'll take you on a journey to another post....Oh and the last time we had to do this Swapnal wasn't too fired up for the whole thing. But this time he literally had a spring in his step :-D I have a theory as to why, anyone who has had the pleasure of meeting him care to hazard a guess?

This time we got progressively quicker at deliveries! Practice does indeed result in drastically improved performance! But Steph I beseech you please don't make me do this again for a while at least. Early mornings don't go well with my new workouts. Funnily enough because of a reduced amount of sleep my moods were all over the place. I say that but I was mostly angry, like a bear with a sore head. It felt a lot like being in my mid teens again. A time of rage...

Whilst in this rage I am sat in traffic waiting to get home. Now I often feel the universe is teasing me and this time was no different. Looks like the last day of school, a time that marks change. A big day for those kids who'll be leaving school forever etc. But here I am too involved in my own misery to consider this. Then I see a dragonfly, hovering above the car in front of me. I turn gaze to follow it and spot a wheelie bin with the number 69 stuck to it X-D I am enormously mature so naturally I find this humerus! Odd insect followed by hilarious bin, well played universe.

To top it off there was a this waiting for me on the doormat! So someone I used to work with has started a shop on Etsy! I went and treated myself to a book and completely forgot about it a fair few times despite a post here

Yep that is a Tardis, some bandaging and a bottle of Tabasco sauce. Pretty much sums up my life! Time travel, injuries and chilli.

And I can recommend the book, not just because the author/illustrator is a mate. But because it humorously explains, some, of the mysteries of roller derby. If there is anything I know I "love" it's humour. I have spent many hours painstakingly researching "what funny is" and I can confirm that this book fits the bill. Plus you get free stickers! On a side note there are many more mysteries to Roller derby that need to be demystified. I think you should write an Fish's guide to Roller Derby :-D.

So Friday I found out another one of the lads I work with will be exiting the company. The fellow I've known even less time than the others. As always there are several posts on the blog relating the exodus of my dear downstairs office. Currently analysing why I feel the way I feel, the sadness is gone but there is still something left and it's not right.

Anyway the lad who is leaving, lovely boy. Appears to have found his focus and is now devoting himself to it wholeheartedly. A very open chap who has a good grasp of human interaction. Able to deftly endear himself, build relationships and manoeuvre power at will. I'm going to say something cryptic, either everything is sacred or nothing is sacred. Do you follow dear reader? :-p Stolen words that apply to this situation and let me say what I want to without being too blunt :D

Oh and how unbelievably awesome is Sherlock?!? Cold, brilliant, tea and punching americans! Kick ass music too, Sherlock - David Arnold if you're interested.