Secrets...

Likely to be a post I don't publicise. I wonder how many will discover it? My money's on one, Highlander style...there can be only 1. Or Lord of the Rings style.

This is a thought process that has lead me to believe that it's all smoke and mirrors, illusions. Anyone read Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah? If you ask nicely I may lend/send you a copy. Lots of layered illusion to overcome. A nice and easy one is where we walk. On footpaths right? But why? Because that's what we are supposed to to, also they are safe and usually free of vehicles.

So the nub of this is the illusion of self. I had that nagging fear about death that wrote about back here. I seems to have gone now that I've come to this idea/working theory/something I don't know how to classify. Self a collection of tendencies based on previous experiences. But what is self is constantly changing. Cells are born, grow old and are replaced. What was "your" skin today is dust tomorrow. What was your dinner today becomes your flesh, blood and bone tomorrow. Maybe not that quickly but you get the gist right?

So the body is constantly being renewed so it is not constant. Once you grow up you have a basic frame that you consider yourself. It may get a little wider, narrower, firmer, saggier, greyer etc. but as it's constantly being renewed it's not the same. It may appear the same but it is not the same. Had a shot of rum in my vanilla chai so this may be the slightly tipsy ravings of a borderline narcissist.

So body is not constant, so what about conciousness? That's stored in the mind, right? Staying relatively scientific as the esoteric/mystical mumbo jumbo is too soothing. Solace, something that is nice but something intellect won't allow to remain in place for too long. If the very basis of conciousness is being renewed/rebuilt regularly then is this a continuity? Or a series of snapshots stitched together using the faculty of memory? Take 20 photos of any moving object per second for ten seconds and then run through them at a rate of 20 photos per second and the image will appear to move.

Does that make sense to anyone or am I really barking up the wrong bush

My fear of death appearing to be gone. Well I think that's because I don't really exist at all. Much like a record of events my mind has recorded everything that has happened around me to date. This record is maintained and accessed when faced with new situations day to day. So what is there that's "me". Broken down and rebuilt constantly. A copy, of a copy, of a copy.

I thought the truth about life, would be bigger, hit harder, maybe this isn't it or all of it. Perhaps a small portion. Hmmm. I don't know!

New skin, blisters, old spiel and hoarding

I was searching for a bottle of highly volatile liquid. It does smell an awful lot like nail polish remover but it was in fact liquid plaster or I have seen it sold as "new skin". Forms a thin waterproof membrane over small cuts grazes etc. Why do I have small cuts or grazes when we know you are supposed to be rather immobile! Is what you'll be thinking, probably. If you were thinking this then kudos for being up to date with the current state of my health! If not then I suggest you dig deep down and ask yourself...what am I doing with my life!? :-P

So is every familiar with a blister pack? Specifically the stuff used to house medication in tablet form. Plastic vacuum mould on one side with foil on the other? At least I assume it's a vacuum mould, what else could it be?

A thousand words?

So that's what one looks like and as it would have it they are capable of cutting through my calloused man hands! I didn't realise that my skin had been sliced so often till one the buggers actually drew blood! So that's why I was looking for the bottle of liquid plaster. Now I've not reorganised my desk. Despite having been back at it, pretty much constantly, for the past 3 weeks. This is mostly because I am a lazy sod and slightly because I have have a bad back.

Ooh my back! I've adapted my physio to create something of an uber core that will make me look a little like a tree trunk. Only problem is I can't bend forwards as the risk of disc re-rupture is rather high. So the old rectus abdominus is not really getting much of a workout. Yes this is yet another excuse for why I'm not packing a six pack despite having abs like high density foam. Firm yet spongy! I can ride a bike again so that should help with the extra weight I've gained...maybe. Oh and I've got a tech for beating Armstrong! I'm sure you're all ever so relieved that 3-4 months since I first started playing Metal Gear: Revengeance I have found a way to beat the final boss! I DID IT! Now all I have to do is complete it on all the hight difficulties, collect lots of left hands, find little photo frames + unlock the FOX BLADE!

Um so rummaging! Stumble over lots of interesting things. A white glove from the time I wore white gloves to the Derby Hall returners formal + the Chem Eng Ball. Oh and I wore the gloves to clubs from time to time as well. It was a strange time, I had very long hair...

• Theraband - think big rubber band for physio stuff
• Lincoln Uni Alumni bag - from the time I went back and talked about my experiences to undergrads
• Xbox 360 cover + disk drive - Red light so I disassembled it. I don't know why.
• CD holder
• Paper crane - A heard a girl I liked could make cranes so naturally I learnt how to make many origami things...
• Bubble wrap - popped of course
• Tape measure
• Old speech I wrote to deliver to my dad about why I think I flunked out of Uni the first time
• A washing machine motor - It broke so I took it apart and I've still got the motor. The body did become a furnace for burning up all the tree cuttings from our garden. We have much foliage that requires, near, constant pruning.
• Insurance
• Magazines
• Much more

Yep that's the result of my rummaging and a sock

And I also find my passport case. It was sent to me for free by the lovely folk over at Jack Daniels! They send me lots of cool stuff :-D Coasters, card holder, cocktail stirrer, hip flask, sticky sweet bbq seasoning and a basting brush. Oh and two keyrings! The passport case is empty, it's supposed to have my passport in it! So I rummage through the locked steel drawer within which I keep all my important docs. Bank statements, certificates, insurance etc. Alas it's no where to be seen :-( . I start to panic but I have been away from home for a number of weeks. My mother in her maternalness may have hoarded it away. So I ask and that's exactly what has happened!

Now that you are not so worried about the whereabouts of my pass that permits me to go through ports I'll get on with what I found! It's a little bit of paper upon which I wrote a little speech. Bit of a speaker, apparently :-S This is from 2007, half a decade ago! When I first flunked out of Uni. Chem Eng I loved the people but not the material, moving on. The gist of it is that I was seeking the reason for my failure. The discussion swings from laziness to evil and finally settles on quite a peculiar reason. Aged 20 I thought I was "destined" to do strange things. Not to live a "normal" life. Bit a dick aged 20 is what all the evidence would suggest.

I still haven't the foggiest what I want to do! Ultimately that is. I don't want normal though, it's comfortable but it drives me mad.

I trapped some smoke in a Curiosity Cola bottle, yep that is my actual hand as well

So I once heard an explanation for why so I may be holding onto all the stuff from my past. It boils down to wanting to be a little more than what you are right now. Making sense? The general rule is that as you grow older and more successful you gather more things. Or bigger things. More money, bigger house, bigger car etc. Funny thing is I doubt that it'll ever be enough. Does anyone ever really stop? Wanting to have more that is.

Little bit about how what I consider to be me is all over the place! So there is me and there's all the stuff that's mine. Funnily enough I watched something of mine that I'd had for a decade get cut in half today! Renewing an old ID. But still I felt a sensation as though someone had just wronged me. It's just a piece of plastic but because I'd had it so long I was attached to it. Crazy!