By the knights of Columbus...

It's actually my birthday!

The title has nothing to do with this post. And I've not picked a vid to head it up. Hmmm you know who can handle this problem? Future me! Google analytics! Lets me see interesting things like what countries people are in while they read my blogs. It at least tells me where their IP is. This week there were two folk from Argentina and Moscow reading this! Hello Argentinian and Russian reader!

It's unlikely they would read that greeting because I have 88% new readers this week! My readership isn't increasing I appear to be attracting around the same number of people each week with little overlap between their venn diagrams.

Look at the pie chart, just look at it! I am a fan of a good graph, or a bad graph. Bad graphs are much more amusing than good ones. I wonder if I could create a graph to display how much more amusing they are.

Quantifying a qualitative thing is something that makes me grimace like a monkey sucking a lemon. I've been reading How To Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran. This is a question I've given little thought to. Mostly because I am a man, more or less. I have always thought that women get the short end of the stick though, i.e. it's easier being a man. The book's been amusing and thought provoking thus far, only on page 80 of 300 or so 25.6% of the way through.

I bring up the book because I had to dry it out today. My genius father has returned! He's been abroad for a few months spreading the word about the benefits of classical hata yoga, in the country of my birth. He never stops! Like an elder, asian, energizer bunny with shiny brown skin. I think it's something to do with collagen, no idea why though. He brought a bag back from his travels, rinsed it out and left it to dry precariously placed over my copy of How To Be a Woman. The book should look something like this. Now looks like this:

I must add that this is post dehydration. I've not said drying because if I had sensibly dried the book I think it wouldn't have become so very crispy and ruffled. Moral of the story is keep your books out of the bathroom and if you dry them be sure to not use a high powered fan heater. In an attempt to flatten it out a little I have piled ten other books on top of it. I'll keep you updated on the status of my crinkly copy of How To Be a Woman.

Thanks to my lazy writing schedule days have passed and the book has been suitably flattened! View the pleasing results of my ten book press below. So yesterday I went off to watch Mockingjay Pt 1 and it was ok! But it wouldn't be yours truly if I did not spin a yarn about my silent beef with the cinema's employees and my contortion in the carpark!

A little discoloured but most definitely usable.

Hadn't been to the cinema in a while, mostly because there was nothing good to see and partly because I've been exam hermitting. This is a process by which I become even more of a recluse. It's usually accompanied by the growth of an exceptionally bushy beard and this time was nay exception. I grew a most fearsome of black beards. On account of it be the vember of Mo's, get it? I have bared my blunted chin :-D

It's a work day and I'm heading into the city centre, as you can imagine parking spaces are in short supply. I know there'll be a fair few at the top of a multi-storey affair near the cinema. The problem is that there are enormous support pillars next to these spaces making alighting from one side or t'other a little tricky. I overcome this by clambering over to the passenger side, my level of flexibility has decreased severely since my back woes. I actually manage to cramp both hamstrings in the process, man it's awesome being this old :-/ After all that effort I realise I've parked like an absolute douche, barely in the space. My delicate honour will not allow me to leave this situation without at least trying to rectify it. So I re-enter my vehicle and twist myself back into the driver's side, turns out it's easier to manoeuvre facing the backrest, straddling the hand brake with your rear proudly pointed at the windscreen. Now you know! I also correct my parking faux pas and make my exit.

As I approach the cinema heads are turning and I am getting many wary looks. I put it down to my way of walking, with purpose. It's how I usually walk but it's being amplified by my poor gauge of how cold it was, ruddy freezing! Oh and I am rather burly and dark of skin. If a large, dark object were moving at considerable speed in your vicinity then I'd completely understand if you felt the need to stare :-P

Upon arriving at the cinema I inspect the ticket machines and decide they are out of order. I approach the popcorn and drinks counter, they've recently replaced the ticket counter with a coffee or ice cream counter. I was not paying attention as I was walking with great intensity towards the lad behind the counter. I enquire about my ticket, already purchased online and only require a pick up. He tells me it'd be easier if I use one of the machines. Mayhap I was too hasty to judge the machines broken. Upon close inspection they are indeed broken! My ire is beginning to flare.

Set eyebrows to attack...

I hurtle towards the counter but I'm beaten there by two middle aged women. My queueing condition kicks in and I wait, patiently stewing. One of the ladies does a double take. And the other out right stares at me. Amusing, maybe my attack eyebrows are attracting their attention. Here's when I lost it. Another employee makes a "test" call to the lad who is faffing about behind the counter. Usually I would have found such hijinks hilarious but my ire was already bubbling up and this blatant tomfoolery pushed me into full letter writing mode! Got my ticket, calmed the hell down and watched the film.

It was indeed ok. Now I don't find myself particularly overly attached to any characters here. Other than Peeta Melark, I love that guy. There was a little action and you could definitely tell the story was being stretched, lots of talking in bunkers. The ending was awesome but I'd pretty much agree with my Aussie brother from another mother, if you can help it wait till next year and watch it back to back with the last one. There were character's names etc being used in this film and I had no idea who they were talking about. And I have a pretty good memory for that kind of stuff. There is a message that is not so covertly conveyed about the use of propaganda in the film, that was the best bit for me :D Also the technical sorcery that the man in the wheelchair with glasses was pulling off.

It was on the drive home that I managed to fathom what all the staring was about, my stache! I was stuck in traffic and I'm pretty sure a lass in a car tapped her mate's shoulder to point out my facial hair. In 2008 I attempted something similar and the results were less than satisfactory, this time around I think I've cracked it.

Lego beard conquerers

Movember it's all about awareness! So spread the word!!!

Now?...what?

So html is not my friend, I was having some formatting issues with the video above. FYI it's one of the best things I've seen this week  I have however seen a lot of things this week and some of them have been equally or more awesome. But if I were to regurgitate my week in all it's glorious/tedious detail the few of you who do bother to read these would run for the hills, one of my faves by the way.

CIMA! Yep I was sitting an exam for the third or fourth time! Disgraceful I know, with my freak beast memory I should be able to slay all exams like the pitifully pointless exercises they are. But I am afflicted by a malaise that many of you are likely familiar with. A malaise that sets in once I realise that I can actually do something, complacency/laziness. If I know I can do something I tend to stop trying and that leads to stagnation. The worst kind of nation!

This time I sunk a lot of my own cash into paying for tutoring and struck up an unlikely friendship with a northerner. I say it's unlikely because I appear gruff and older than the earth itself whilst aforementioned northerner was all shiny and new. You know the sort of person right? Smiles, sunshine and self deprecation. The tutoring helped me realise that I was missing the basics and pointing out the high level stuff thereby foregoing all the marks available for the basics. Fundamentals, the best kind of mentals.

So my prep was pretty good, probably because of my current level of employment. I did a lot of exam papers, a lot more than I'd done before. I'd done no papers in their totally before, so based on papers my prep was infinitely better! But I did go through a little bit of a pre exam panic. Those of you who know me aren't likely to have seen me panic, I don't panic. I do panic but I do it in a way that a glacier would panic. Glacial panic, picture that for a moment. I got to the exam venue and was rather chilly. So I remembered the words of Bear Grylls - push ups. I did a few and warmed up suitably before reading through my notes haphazardly trying to memorise all the bits that aren't often examined. Mostly useless but worrying, much like a rocking chair, gives you something to do and gets you nowhere.

I've had this pic for years no idea where it's from despite my recent mastery of reverse picture searching! So if anyone does find out comment below, let me know! The shiny northerner arrives as I sit quietly brooding over my notes. After a little awkward waving she gains my attention and we launch into the inevitable exchange of pleasantries. Something I am terrible at as I tend to ask the same questions as whomever I'm greeting at the exact same time. Leading to awkward silences punctuated with the simultaneous answering of the synchronised questions.

So once that's done I inquire about how the other two exams have gone. Swimmingly I think was the response, it's difficult to gauge peoples exam reactions as some are overwhelmed, others down playing their success and others clueless. I am a sure member of camp clueless. And despite the common acceptance that "ignorance is bliss" it really isn't. Probably because I'm not ignorant that I'm ignorant, urgh!

All that noise aside the time draws near and I take a combination of painkillers and stimulants just before the exam. I have some back pain, stemming from my epic injury last year. The last time I sat the exam I somewhat scuttled my own chances by ingesting a can of Monster and quite a bit of water. The rules stipulate you can't leave for the first eighty five minutes! All my effort was being put towards controlling the building pressure in my bladder, read all about it here.

It was a normal enough paper and I was defo pushed for time, poor time management? Perhaps but I think it's a sign that I was actually answering most of the questions.

This is a vid of Robson and Jerome singing Unchained Melody back in  1995 :-/ 19 years ago. When did I get so old! Let's move on...So the taller fellow is Jerome. The shorter one with the brown hair, Robson Green, popped back onto our screens as the anchor of Extreme fishing back in 2008. Janet Street Porter suggested that such programming should be flung into Room 101.

In case you can't see the youtube vid :-D

Then at some point during the day I was thinking about my cheekbones, not pronounced. If I were to get uber skinny I wondered what my face would look like. I ran through a number of famous faces and became entangled in the Game of Thrones character roster. I often become entangled in such rosters. Eventually deciding that I'd most likely look like Bronn. You know the wiley, sell sword who's mates with Tyrion. It's at this point that my mind makes the jump and comes to the realisation that the dishy blonde fellow in the the pic and vid above and the disreputable son of a gun Bronn are in fact the same man. IMDB link in case you doubt the veracity of my claim!

19 years...

Ooh I've just remembered that the exam was being held in the banqueting hall/ballroom of a hotel. The rear/side entrance was being used for it and the walls of the lobby were a slew with mirrors. It is at this point I realise that I have shrunk and no longer fill out my big orange t shirt :-( Also I notice that my shoelaces match my t shirt! Not the sort to match laces to anything I am feeling rather fancy and bust a move. This has a little to do with the mirror lined lobby, I am always looking for an excuse to dance :-D. There is an exam in progress and a rather serious blonde girl bursts forth from the hall on her way to the bathroom. I cease dancing non nonchalantly i.e. abruptly, she smiles and goes on her way.

To explain the ill fitting t shirt. I did mention a while ago, 07/10/2014, that I'd lost about a stone because of my diet. That's now progressed to just over 13 kg, 2 stone or 28 pounds-ish. As you can imagine with that much meat off my bones my clothes look baggy. The most annoying thing is that my belt is no longer tight enough to hold up my trousers! Oh and according the the BMI I'm no longer obese! I'm just overweight!

Got to love a colourful graphic illustration! Nicked from Onepoll.com

BMI can be calculated using your weight in KG divided by your height in metres squared. For me right now the calculation would look like: 93.7/(1.775^2) = 29.7. Or you can use a graph or you can use this thingy here.

As with all statistics it's not to be take too seriously.  If you take a look at someone who carries a little extra muscle their BMI may be in the overweight bracket. I think waist measurement comes into it as well with the updated BMI. Anyways if you want to know more you are luckily accessing this verbose barrage via a device that has access to most if not all of human knowledge ever!

Almost forgot the excellence that was on the Graham Norton show. The first part featured Aniston, Bateman and Olly Murs. It was relatively entertaining then Dench and Hoffman arrived in a flurry of charisma and gravitas. I usually skip past the musical performances on the GN show, I don't like how "GN show" reads/looks I shall never use it again! Olly's performance on the Graham Norton show was nothing short of awesome. If you've got access to Iplayer I'd encourage you to watch it. Series 16 Episode 8 skip to 38 minutes and 52 seconds to see what all my gush is about.

MCU and Doctor Who...

Somewhat straying from my regular pattern but not to worry there's an epic tune at the end. I just love this dude, Mr Sunday Movies. He does film reviews and talks about comics. And Marvel did an enormous unload this week! Seemed a little knee jerky in response to DC's unleashing their line up up until 2020. Another fantastic fellow, JeremyJahns, has made a vid all about it. Being a little lazy by not explaining but these dudes do a much better job and they've got visuals! I mean I have visuals too but you the old chestnut about pictures and 1000 words. A video is at least 20 fps so per second that's like 20,000 words...which is ridiculous. These videos may have minor and or major spoilers in for the upcoming films as they are likely to be based on comics.

So it is most definitely a good time to be me or anyone else who like movies based on comic books. Man I can not wait for Darkseid, Apocalypse and Thanos. I'll be honest I am only familiar with Darkseid and Apocalypse. Thanos I have no  clue about but he was inspired by Darkseid and he's a badass so can't be bad. I've also had quite the education in all things cosmic in the Marvel cinematic universe from a vid by an insanely knowledgable young man who goes by the youtube handle of Mitchell Letcher. He speaks mad fast so be sure to pay attention.

 For those who don't want to learn all about ratios scroll down until you see the big pink yolo.

In an attempt to actually learn something today, I'm preparing for an exam, I shall be weaving all of the applicable ratios into this post.  Ratio analysis is something that I was introduce to in 2007, yep it's been 7 years and I'm still being tested on it. It was an off shoot of financial accounting that was being examined and ration analysis was in one of the questions. Now I'm sat furiously beavering away and the fire alarm sounds.

There are four categories of ratio that can be tested in this exam. They are profitability, liquidity, gearing and investor.

Off the top of my head I can remember:

1. Gross profit
2. Net profit
3. Return on Capital employed
4. Receivable days
5. Payable days
6. Inventory days
7. Acid test
8. Quick
9. Gearing
10. Earnings per share
11. Price earnings or P/E
12. Dividend cover
13. Dividend yield
14. Interest cover

And I'm out of ideas! There is going to be a big, juicy 25 mark question involving ratios, at least 8 out of those five marks are given for correctly calculating some ratios. So worth learning.

Here's an exhaustive list broken down by category:

1. Profitability - Gross Profit, Operating profit, Asset turnover, Return on capital employed - 4
2. Liquidity - Current, Quick, Inventory days, Receivable days, Payable days - 5
3. Gearing - Gearing, Interest cover - 2
4. Investor - Earnings per share, P/E, Dividend cover, Dividend yield - 4

Now for me remembering the categories and the number of ratios in each category helps to memorise the lot. Alternatively I would write these down over and over again until it became ingrained. If you add up the numbers in red you get...15! I was missing - Asset turnover and Current. Also I'm pretty sure that acid and quick are the same ratio but with different names. So now I've got the categories and numbers down the names should be straight forward.

You should be able to pick up quite a few marks without the ratios by just rifling through the financial statements of whichever entity you are supposed to be analysing.

And the end of the fire alarm story is that we ended up congregating in the car park outside the exam/sports hall. Instructed to remain in total silence, an instruction that was promptly ignored by everyone. Amongst the obvious exam chatter there were numerous rumour circulating about what the outcome would be. Everyone passes was one, everyone fails was another and lastly there was the we may have to resit the exam! I don't know about everyone but I passed, so it would appear my knowledge/understanding of ratios is certainly adequate.

YOLO 

Your loss if you understand the ratios you may be better placed to make savvy business/investment decisions :-P

I saw this stunning image appear as a cover photo for a girl who was in the year below me at my first secondary school. I also met her and a fellow named Liam in a club in Nottingham! I had never spoken to either of them but they recognised me and I them. And that's the unsatisfying end of that anecdote.

Ooh back to the image I did a reverse image search! Now I'd heard of these when people debunk folks who use photos of models for their profiles to rip people off etc. But I had no idea what one entailed. Google has this function if you go to: https://images.google.com/imghp, then you drag and drop the image you want to look up. That led me to this blog: http://tamta-rot.livejournal.com. And from there I managed to find the name of the photographer, Shelby Robinson. Third one across, redhead with autumn in her hair!

Avid readers will know about my fondness for those of the auburn persuasion and strangely I do count myself amongst their numbers. You can read all about it here, there's an image explaining why I claim to be a redhead.

Oh my god has everyone seen the last instalment of Doctor Who? At the time of writing this it was the last instalment but now it's the second to last, Dark Water. Spoilers to follow so sod off and watch it on Iplayer if you don't want it to be spoilt! Now I did have it spoilt because I was on facebook the morning after and saw two posts indicating the fate of Danny Pink. But I got over it because I don't really like Danny he's ok but he I don't care about the character. Then it was spoilt all over again by the thumbnail that the BBC had chosen to display above the link to the episode. A legion of cybermen! Damn it BBC Why would you do that to me?!?

Any hoo getting past the rage I was feeling I quite enjoyed the episode. There was Clara being against the natural order of things. The Doctor being ever so loyal despite her betrayal and the dead. Now here's something I did not think was true about cybermen, they are a result of banging armour on the human body. I thought they were brains taken from the a human and bunged into a robotic body. The hidden in plain site bit was cool, dark water = DW = Doctor Who?

So I thought Missy was the master the first time we all saw her way back when! I think I wrote about it here. There is a subtle drumming that is the new masters trademark. I've just rewatched it and the drumming is not so conclusive. Anyone seen Green Wing? Michelle Gomez, Missy, plays a real ballbuster. Pretty much the female Malcolm Tucker, probably been pointed out already. I hope they get into a shouting match. The double door cyberman eye reveal was a nice touch too! I did not see it coming at all.

#selfie

 I have some problems with this episode. Mainly centring around the end. I liked that there wasn't too much detail about the cyberfying process, wholly unnecessary. There was Missy's super speed, you know the bit when she was cuffed to that thing like Hannibal Lecter and Osgood is beckoned closer? Yeah that bit. She was across the room before the guards had a chance to react! She can teleport but this looked to me like good old fashioned super speed.

Pretty much my reaction when Missy zapped Osgood. There was a foreshadowing whisper that she was to accompany the Doctor! That would have been my reaction but owing to certain physical mishaps I glared silently whilst eating peanut butter on toast.

Danny Pink, comes good. The sentiment is laudable, especially given the time of year. The sacrifice that soldiers make is often undervalued or completely forgotten. I spent the first few years of my life in a war zone, don't really remember any of it. But by all accounts I've heard, it's a pretty grizzly place to be.

Where does this leave Danny's Grandson? They didn't explain why Danny was immune to Missy's mind control. Clara had just shut off his emotions so? The Brigadier's shooting Missy was rather confusing. So are there lot's of cybermen who weren't under her control? Or is it just soldiers? If so there are lots of soldiers who have passed away and would have been uncontrollable! So now Earth has a guardian cyberman.

The heaven portal was a bit confusing and wholly unnecessary, Danny died a hero. I suppose it shows that he is willing to sacrifice everything to right his wrongs. And the subsequent lying from the Doctor and Clara! The Doctor's lie, fair enough but Clara's? And I was expecting a baby bump when she got up at the end. Guessing she's pregnant but not showing just yet.

I hadn't grown to dislike Missy as the Master. There were hints and bits and bobs throughout but the character didn't get enough time on screen for me to grow to totally fear/despise/love them. It all felt a little rushed. The could have cut the whole Robin Hood episode and extended the finale but that's just me, maybe.