Creativity, why now?

Long time readers will remember the last time I chronicled something similar, I was weeding an overgrown garden with a golf club. Did I publicise that one? Who knows. Click the tIthing to go back a few years to see if I have grown. Or if I am exactly the same, probably the same. I mean I live in a different county, have a normal office job, weight 10 kg more. Have a better grasp of accounting, but otherwise I am the same, or am I.

I had certain expectations/hopes. And these were not met, or they were not met exactly. Leaving me confused and angry. Plus I stirred myself up by choosing to deal with the emotions that the death of my dog now. Why now? Well I was entertaining a new friend at the weekend and ran out of things to do. My ankle being gammy, she was very understanding so we just stayed put. Had a blast, I talked way too much, and I picked up my notes on my dog. It was like being punched in the gut.

Solar plexus anyone? Now there's a phrase that lived and died at secondary school, it also pops up in "Freaks and Geeks" a show that was all sorts of awesome. It's on Netflix, see it now! Or finish reading this and then see it. Your call, I'm not the boss of you. Unless I am your boss, but then again I am no one's boss. Well I have some referred power as I'm a bit of a nexus/fulcrum for information, but definitely not a boss. What was  I talking about? Gut punches!

So I get a little gaspy, you know when you feel short of breath because of emotions? That. And then I got some news that I wasn't hoping for. I'd basically put my foot in it and initiated an awkward exchange, urgh so awkward! To alleviate my overthinking I focussed on creating a tribute to my dog. I also set myself an unrealistic deadline 3 hours. Unrealistic because of the number of photos I had to edit, edit is a generous phrase. Crop, rotate, rerender. I then had to stitch them together into something of a narrative arc. I should've waited and gathered more photos. But I didn't so it ends really abruptly. You can see it here. Scroll to the end or read the whole thing, again I am not the boss of you. Unless I am, because dimensions, alternate timelines, etc.

So by the time I was done it was 02:00. I am tired so I go straight to bed, but then I have to be up and in work early. There's work to do etc. I do get ponderous though. Why did I suddenly have a burst of creative output? Why after months of stagnation and zero creative work did I feel the drive to make something? Anger, disappointment, suffering, sadness. The darker spectrum of emotion fuels my creative fire. Have you ever noticed that comedians who fall in love get less funny? Happiness detracts from their hilarity. We all know the cliched image of a tortured artist.

Pain, looks like I must court it. Seek it out, mine it, foster it. Perhaps not. Emotion is what I need. In stability I find no creativity. In chaos if flows. I feel exposed and vulnerable. Ruffalo's banner expressed it as being like an exposed nerve. It's terrifying, honesty. But the experience is so much more.

Have I gotten somewhere with this? Perhaps.

Or maybe I've just massaged my ego and consoled myself.