Timber!

What comes to mind when you read or hear the word: timber? Is that the correct use of a colon? I dunno! Anyhoo timber conjures up a scene featuring at least one collapsing tree. The buzz of a chainsaw, the repetitive rhythm of the sharpened head of an axe striking wood, creaks and snaps as the lumber slowly yields followed by a rush and thud! Or maybe you think of a guy who is about 40, jumping up and down in suit, declaring willy nilly that he is "Mr. Worldwide"?

If you do then I'd recommend you take a long hard look at your life. Back to timber! So there is a large tree that stands proudly at the front of my familial home in the UK. I feel the need to specify as my family is spread liberally all over the world. Here's a handy list of countries containing my kinsman: Australia, Sri Lanka, India, Dubai, France, Switzerland, Denmark, USA and I'm sure there's more but I don't really keep abreast with the movements of my fam. I really can't get away with using that particular contraction, at least now we know.

It's the christmas tree looking mofo in front of the house! Also click to enlarge photo and see things in uber megapixelness.

As you can see it was eclipsing the house and the roots were encroaching on the foundation. There is only one answer, move the house. But we are not at a level of technology where such things are so easily doable. Houses are such a weird idea. I'd like to return to the same place for the conceivable future guess I'd better build/buy somewhere. We used to be travelling tribes, nomads. When we ceased being nomads we all went crazy...get it?

How honest Abe does it.

So instead we hired tree surgeons to slash up the tree. The fella said they'd be there after dinner. For me that means anytime after 13:00. It rolls around to 15:00 and I'm thinking they are not gonna show. 16:00 and they arrive. I'm thinking this is going to take at least a few hours. It's far too big to do the classic felling method. I thought they'd climb up top, cut away the branches and then cut sections. I was close but not cigar.

They one dude slowly scaling the tree, methodically cutting all the branches as he goes. He's armed with a petrol chainsaw. I've got a chainsaw and it looks like a toy compare to this thing. He's it makes short work of everything. As he's tearing up the tree he pauses shouts to his partner, he's chucking the wood into a wood chipper. He deftly drops a nest into the outstretched hands of the man on the ground. Turns out there were two wood pigeon chicks in it! They are placed carefully in a nearby shrub/bush. When does a bush become a shrub or vice versa?

Branches all done, nest expertly dealt with, onwards to the trunk. The thick bit in the middle is despatched with the same ruthless efficiency that the branches were. As the heavy sections of wood hit the ground the vibrations travel through the house. Oh and there was a number of bystanders staring in slack jawed awe. Start to finish how long do you think it too to take the tree apart? Leaving a six foot stump.

Before and after or after and before. Depending on how you view time...

So do you have a number of minutes, seconds, hours for the job? Well it took 30 minutes. I was severely amazed! If you need any sort of tree surgery, landscaping or hedge laying then they're called Simpson Arboriculture based out of Ancaster.

Pretty adorable right?

Not the end of this particular story. This is them just after all was chopped and chipped. Just chilling being infants. I got all snap happy, I know it's really not like me, and took lots of pics. They have a doting parent/s, I can't tell the difference. It may be one pigeon or two. This bird went mental looking for these two for the rest of the day. Flying, walking, making the hooting noise pigeons do. I was amping myself up to take the baby birds under my wing. I'd even done a brisk google search on what the fudge to feed them.

A few hours later I noticed that one of them had fallen from the nest and was awkwardly wedged in the foliage. I was unsure of what to do, if anything. At this point it was unclear if the parent bird would locate the chicks or if I would have to surrogate. By touching the baby bird I could leave my man stench all over it making the parent fearful. Fearful that it's sweet baby had morphed into a bearded, burly man child. My pops arrives an instructs me to cease being such a jessie and put the bird back in it's nest. As I do so I come into contact with a level of softness that is reserved for baby birds. Placing the bird back in the nest was easy, it's sibling seemed dubious about it's return.

The next morning dadatron spots the parent with the nest, looks like I won't be needed to take the role of surrogate pigeon mother. As the days pass I glance them from time to time as I walk past their nest. They sit and silently stare back. My mother did a spot of digging and they sat eagerly staring at the new activity unfolding beneath them.

About a week after their big move

So now they've flown the nest! Only a week and one day since they were moved. Bye bye little dudes. It was awesome to have met you and indelicately replaced one of you back in the nest. May you go forth and be the best pigeons you can be...

Suits, the Doctor and a walk up the hill with a shrill cow...

This was all supposed to go down on the 15th but in classic last minute presto chango tradition Mark Taylor changed it to the 23rd. The beginning of series 8 of Dr Who was not influenced by the fickle heart of a man from Barnsley. And contrary to popular belief he is a man....who loves milk.

So I get there around 4ish and have a bit of a mare parking, I never learnt to parallel park. Nailed it first time round so my instructor thought "He's a natural!" But it was a series of flukes and I suck at parallel parking. I bought way too much protein and as it turns out way too much alcohol. Ah here's where I met Dan, an old friend of Swapnal's from his days as a bad student man in Leicester. I assume he's moved into the converted church hall but nope he just lives close.

Stepping outside to get food from Coop we realise it's raining. Barely rain, fine rain soaks you through, if you get that reference I may marry you! It's warm and the rain is barely there so it's dubbed Caribbean. Waiting for my fellow craftsman to finish up a smoke I point out where I first struck a stationary object with a large refrigerated object. Lincoln you hold so many ridiculous dairy memories. Wandering around the Coop I am feeling the urge to purchase unnecessary tat e.g. sponges, pastries and sandwich fillings. It's around now I am informed of the half bottle of Disaronno that'll be on it's way to the party. I've purchased another bottle, almondy! Also Dan is a programmer, a mysterious art that I am curious about but have never delved deeply into.

So it's naturally time to bang on Suits season 3, old news but still well worth watching. Charles is on the couch and excited about the impending formally attired awesome. There is the fall out from the end of season 2 and things settle down, sort of. I do notice that things are ever so silent, you know like when you are in a theatre/cinema. You feel that you have to be quiet. Ah the aha moment! It's what House was all about, something seemingly run of the mill sparking an inspired moment of genius. Whilst watching Suits I consume most of a tin of pringles, 25 wings, 2 scotch eggs and an unspecified quantity of beer. Ooh the Suits drinking game! Oh and Suit spoilers if you aren't up to speed, nothing mind blowing just little bits n bobs.

Rules for aforementioned game are nicked verbatim from here.

Drink if:
1.) Someone holds an intense conversation in the hallway.
2.) Mike interrupts Rachel in her office and asks “Do you have a sec?” or “Are you busy?” then proceeds to ask her help anyway.
3.) Mike goes behind Harvey’s back, despite Harvey specifically saying not to.
4.) Mike or Harvey has a case-winning epiphany (Pro-tip: This usually involves something that was brought-up at the start of the episode).
5.) Someone references a pop-culture event/character.
6.) Harvey and Jessica engage in light flirting.
7.) Harvey and Louis/Mike engage in light bromance.
8.) Mike and Rachel engage in light flirting. But still no sex.
9.) Jessica asserts her “Queen Bee” image. (Pro-tip: Comes with a reference to her name “being on the company logo”)
10.) Louis becomes the antagonist.
11.) Louis redeems himself and becomes morally ambiguous once again.
12.) Someone bribes Donna.

Drink TWICE/ Finish a full glass when:
1.) Plot reveals Pearson-Hardman is in trouble.Again.
2.) Plot reveals Mike’s secret is in danger of being exposed. Again.
3.) Someone in your drinking group points out that Daniel Hardman is actually Gale from Breaking Bad. 
4.) Someone in your drinking group tries to sing the incomprehensible opening song
5.) Michael Jordan’s name is mentioned.
7.) Louis’ gold-trimmed nail-cutter comes up.
8.) Mike screws up his relationship with Rachel (despite it being in the bag).
9.) Mike smokes a doobie.
10.) The can-opener is shown.

Finish the whole bottle when:
1.) Mike and Ross finally have sex.
2.) Donna and Harvey have sex.
3.) Jessica and Harvey kiss.
4.) Someone socks Louis in the jaw.

We added when Louis is Louis or if he whips out his dictaphone. There is a strong, black woman playing a Judge, I lean in and enquire if the acctress is the same one who played Aunt Viv in the fresh prince. It's not her, when they cut to a scene in the Judge's chambers it's not even close! Then there's a fellow who plays Robert Zane, Charles tells us he was Bunk in the Wire. Swapnal was about to tell me he was in Fresh Prince, because you know...I'm racist.

Now comes the long awaited debut of Capaldi as the Doctor! I'm expecting darkness etc. Basically Malcolm Tucker in slightly different clothes. It was surprising. If you haven't seen it then spoilers below, look for the red writing to show you where they end. He's confused, fair enough he's just regenerated. He rants furiously and speaks about his attack eyebrows!

Attack eyebrows!

Drax hits Clara in the face with the paper! Lesbian kiss, didn't even realise it was a big deal till the complaints rained in. Guess I'm not so prejudiced when it comes to sexuality. The feels moment when Matt Smith's Doctor calls Clara and Capaldi gets uber emotional. It's pretty damn emotional. Then there's the mystery that is Missy! I initially thought it was the master, Dan suggested it could be the Rani. My favourite theory is that she is all the Claras coalescing into one being.

So the time is here for us to journey up the hill. I'm not feeling phased as I fear no terrain! But I really dislike the hill. Oh and I've got a shrill cow for Mark. So we arrive at Mark's gated flat, there's a gate code etc. And we walk up to the first floor and knock commandingly on the door. The lights are off and it's oddly silent. Not what you'd expect for a party. Scratch that, not what you'd expect if Mark Taylor is anywhere in the vicinity. Turns out it was the wrong door so we scarper up the stairs to the flat with the door wide open. Yep security not one of Tintin's strong suits along with diplomacy, subtlety, boundaries or short order cooking. Did you know a man once burst through his back door whilst he was on all fours cleaning the oven in his pants? No...well you do now! As we enter, beer pong is in session and we realise that the party is almost exclusively being attended by those of the XY persuasion. In other words sausages a plenty. Probably something to do with Mark's milkshake.

Mark does some quick introductions but he's not so sure about the name of the only lass in attendance, Karina? So I implore him to sound off and see if she responds, she does! But instead of shrugging it off as nothing Mark explains in great detail why he was calling her name for no apparent reason. No secret! And that's why we all love him.

Swap convinces Dan to have a beer, one beer can't hurt right? Dan swiftly progresses to sipping neat chilli vodka from a mug, as you do. Oh yes we are incorporating the scorchingly hot concoction into the beer pong. Mark brings out some solid steel shot glasses and two hip flasks, a gift from his darling mother. The progress is a little hazy but I bust out some hot pringles as I'm not feeling the buzz anymore. It's always been a bit of an uphill battle getting inebriated to a comfortable level, so I'm casually drinking a mug full of Disaronno, as you do. Then everyone retires to the balcony for a schmoke, I was there for the pancakes but alas there was no room for pancakes. I think the space out there was meant for two, perhaps three, we had eight out there. The floor is rubberised which Nathan declares is a rubber solstice. The awesomely name Dominic Darnell, double D, asks me what I do. Well in all honestly I never really did a whole lot so I explain how I used to be an occasional milk man and GDB.

At this point Swap asks me if I'm eager to hit the clubs, I am not as I'm old and weary. So we draw up a plan to head back to Eastbourne Street, drink beer and watch suits. This plan is quickly abandoned. Why? I have no idea but I love to dance so why not! Mark quickly makes out with the shrill cow and it's time to make our way to the club. Which club is still up open for discussion. I fill a hip flask with almondy goodness and crack open an ale. Upon exiting the flat Dan tells us of how he can find his way home but he's useless at giving directions in Lincoln. I declare that he is much like a homing pigeon in the respect.

We walk downhill, it is not I rediscover how steep the hill can be. On the way up you don't see it, you feel it for shizzle, on the way down you see the steepness. I think there was a pause to extract cloth from a machine. During which I open the hip flask and start sipping, I really feel like a bit of a closet alcoholic. Not at all giddy etc. Mark is trying to banter a deal with a geezer to get us in for free. Birthdays, hen and stag dos etc get in for free. In the queue some lad behind us is extracted and ejected. Why? I do not know. I have a hip flask in my pocket and it's ever so obvious. Upon entering Swap disappears and reappears drink in hand, he's exhibiting a level of craftiness rarely seen outside of ACUK HQ.

Standing around having a bit of a mine as a mate of mine would say. I always thought it meant to move camply around. But apparently it's a southern phrase for wasting time, I think. And there's Hannah! Now I knew she was bar-tending, waitressing, promoting a club in a Lincoln but I didn't know which one. I'm being too cool for school and not saying hi, actually it's mostly because it's loud in clubs and I've never had a meaningful conversation in one. Ever. I think we get drinks and head upstairs. This is where we lose Dom, Alex, Nathan, Mark and Ian. Leaving me, Swap and Dan. We wander around the main dance floor searching, looking rather gormless. Swapnal doesn't do gormless he's permanently set to smoulder.



It's all about looking around.

We decide to cut our losses and hit the dance floor. It's hot, I have a hoodie on...MISTAKE!!!! And then I spot Gavin! For those who don't know Gavin is a kick as guitarist in a band by the name of Borders, he's the one with the mohawk. They've got a music vid too, clicky to see, hear and be awoken. Not easy listening before bed probs great running music, you have been warned. As is my way I take photos. At this point some lasses get involved because girls love cameras? I dunno. Dan pulls a tried and tested "let's get one with just the two of you" #crafty.

At some point we head downstairs and find Nathan! Jaegerbombs. Then the order of things gets a little fuzzy. I think I found my long lost kinsman Simon Foster, he's as tall as they come hence why I could pick him out in the crowd. My first memory of him is at a whole school photo. Arranged by height me and Si are tallest in our year. He kept growing, I stopped at a very average 5ft 11 but I was that height aged 12! We have a meaningless conversation, get an old man to take our picture and head upstairs to grab a drink. Meaningless in the sense I can not hear a damn thing he's saying and vice versa. Upon getting to the bar upstairs I discover Mark et al. I immediately inform Si that I must retrieve my bondsman from the main dance floor before the mythical Mark Taylor takes flight. Upon my return I see he's ingratiated himself with a hen party, the guy is all kinds of awesome. I glance away and he disappears, no mean feat for a man so tall.

Mark is having a chat with a random, standard. Walking downstairs to get outside for a bit of fresh air I am encouraged to jump into the fray. By which I mean an unknown young an assumed because of my general bulk I would want to get involved in an altercation of the physical nature. I am in no mood so give him my most convincing nice guy face edged with a hint of  "say what again!" He backs off.

Then come the smoulders! Mark wants to smoulder so Swapnal assumes the role of smoulder master. The first attempt was pretty good. Then Dan has to get in on the action, he reverses the smoulder. Directionally speaking. Dominic inquires if I've played wind waker, I should explain I am wearing the king of geek t shirts. Aptly named the "geeky hallows"

Can you name all the fandoms there within?

Just for Eleanor we've got Gandalfs staff - top left, next to the master sword from Zelda, a lightsaber - top right, the 11th Doctors sonic screw driver - bottom left, generic wand from Harry Potter - bottom right, the inscription from the one ring from Lord of the Rings in the middle and it all add up to the sign for the Deathly Hallows. Back to Dominic's question and no I haven't played Wind Waker. He's outraged! How can I wear such a shirt!?!? I calmly reassure him that I've had a crack at the Ocarina or Time and Twilight Princess. He chills and chats to Dan about Wind Waker.

Oh and then we're back on the main dance floor. Now I am tired, physically. Quads cramping, feet aching a little and obliques spazzing out. Not ideal for dancing but any excuse :D. So at this point Dan disappears. Turns out he's headed home, like a pigeon. On the dancefloor it's a little crowded and a fight or two kick off. To our credit we steer well clear and then something peculiar happened. A girl in a light pastel blue top stands walks up to me an stops about an inch away. Doesn't look at me, doesn't say anything just stops and stands there. I look around to see if anyone has any idea what is occurring. They don't so I wait and sure enough as suddenly as she arrived she departs.

03:00 rolls around and we head to McDonalds. Nathan bails at Guildhall street. Getting to McDonalds is half the battle now we must queue. I order the casual Big Mac and 4 double cheese burgers. I really need a wee as does Mark. But alas they've cordoned off the toilets, wise move as at 03:00 there's no telling what kind of shenanigans would occur there within. I am pacing and show Ian how you can expand the wax sauce cups so you can carry more sauce. He's not impressed he retorts with "why not just get more cups?" I have no idea I don't even want sauce! I now realise Mark has disappeared, he slipped through the blockade, three cones and something akin to a seatbelt. I have no idea what it's called. It's retractable an you can clip it...anyway. On his return I leg it up the stairs, there's music on in the bathrooms making it somewhat eerie.

Waiting for the big mac...it take forever. And Mark nearly kicks off with a lovely fellow customer. He comments with something along the lines of "Most people are brought up, some are dragged up!" Anyhoo the big mac arrives, or le big mac if your in Europe. We are heading back to Marks to drink an be merry, change of plan we a splitting up an heading to bed as it's late. Mark has my beer, unlikely it'll still be there next time. Whenever that is.

Walking back to Eastbourne Street is a familiar journey. I feel a giddy wave of nostalgia, the most powerful of dragons. No one will get that! Upon arriving a realise I've still got Mark's hipflask. Now Swapnal has Mark's hipflask. Swap bangs on Bojack Horseman, he explains he's a horse who's and actor etc. It's good you should watch it. Then we go to bed, separate beds this time. Not like the first time or like earlier this year. They are lengthy but cover two excellent nights. One on the town the other in a converted church/bachelor pad/dreamatorium.

Upon arising I shower and head upstairs. Suits marathon continues. Breakfast is being discussed and I eat two scotch eggs. I have purchased a plain pizza and german lunchmeat to place upon it. It's good! I depart shortly thereafter and head home. I am about to sit down and rest my aching bones when my dear old dad asks me to aid him in painting the bathroom. I am a "nice" guy so I can't say no. And that ladies and gentlemen is that.