The 1st day of March, again...

The more observant amongst you may have experienced a sense of dejavu upon reading the title. Well That's because the first day of March rolls around every year :-P And I was in Lincoln hanging at Eastbourne Street with some rather fabulous peeps! If you want to see the original then clicky and read, it's one of my favourites!

So I'll do my best to run down the night as it happened. The problem is that my usually crystal clear memory has become clouded...I blame Unicum. It kicks like this guy.

What's not to like?

Don't let the sweetly smiling lady fool you that stuff is possibly the worst liqueur...in the world. It has to be watered down by a factor of 100 I reckon. But I think its been well and truly retired after triggering visceral reactions neat and uncontrollable grimacing when mixed.

So my clouded mind aside the day began with a trip to Lincoln around 12:00. I headed to Yarborough leisure centre to be instructed in the mysterious ways of the Roller Derby NSO. Powerpoint + roller derby means I am pretty much enjoying myself to the max. So after the workshop there's some time so I go off and read some behavioural science mumbo jumbo. I wander back and lean against a wall in the hall reading. One of the bombers tries to engage me in conversation, nips, unprepared I may have flashed a snarl. It's my default setting from my years as a bad man backstreet brawler or maybe it's from my years as a rugby player. Nah come to think of it it's probably from the 2-3 years I spent being trained in classical and jazz dance. I've said too much...

So in my confusion I am way to curt, note to self be nicer. I am handed a clipboard and placed in the centre of the track. A perspective I have never seen before and it feels a little odd to be literally in the middle of it all. For about 30 seconds I get disorientated as my eyes try and track skaters whilst in the middle. I get over this and re-familiarise myself with my task. That is tracking penalties: who, what and when. Sounds simple enough so I'm relaxed and looking pretty chill. And then the first jam kicks off and I realise that I have to spin around on the spot following play and the speed of the game is reinforced again! Why do I keep forgetting the break neck pace at which derby takes place? I do miss the odd call but Carolyn and Mel are on hand to quiz the refs allowing me to maintain an air of of silence. It's over way too fast and I disappear without saying my goodbyes. I do hate goodbyes.

And then I head to Tesco! Now It's 16:00 and Swap informed me that any time after 18:00 would be not too early for the party. I'll take my time and get my browse on. I purchase: 25x chicken wings, 4 x scotch eggs, 2 x bacon and egg bites, 4 x hunters sausage, 2 x chicken kiev bites, 6 x Mcoys, crate of Guinness, Umbongo, Pepsi, soda water and apple juice. The moral of the story is do not shop whilst hungry, I'd skipped lunch. I fill my face in the car before heading to the party. Upon arrival I can not spot a single parking space that my questionable parallel parking skills well let me park in, park!

So I drive around the block and head back down. I spot a space and try to pack my car into it to no avail. It is now that I spot Swapnal staring at me  he has been dumbstruck by my parking ineptitude. So I tell him I'm gonna park on the next street over and I start lugging my gear in. Walking up the stairs I spot a large black box with the Xfactor sign in the middle. I assume that is either Swap's or Vicky's costume. As I head back outside Swap suggests that if he moves his car forward I could park behind rather easily thus eliminating my parking problems. Common sense often eludes me.

Reformatted front room

So we sit and talk about the state of the world and how constant news updates just reinforce the fact that we are headed for oblivion. So beer? Yes...much beer. Andrew arrives and I enquire as to what I should call him, other than Andrew as it's too formal. He says whatever so Swap suggests Drew! I've only ever met one Drew and he was my boss...ex boss. Now that leaves a little wiggle room. The more reasonable amongst you will go straight to the "He must have lost his job" or "His boss, Drew, must have lost his job". But I know that's not how my mind works and contrary to popular belief, we are not so different you and I. Does anyone get that reference? It's all over the place in popular culture :-D First spotted it in Austin Powers. So ex-boss could mean that somehow I burnt through my seemingly limitless reserves of calm and busted him on the pavement!

He informs us that his daughter is due round tomorrow so maybe he'll be having a relatively tame night, nah. Vicky pops up and starts the cooking process. Pizza, sausage rolls, spring rolls and cheese goujons. I've never typed the word goujon before and my spell check does not recognise it. The first and only suggestion on the list was gorgon. Cheese gorgon...tasty. Vicky explains the intricacies of her costume extend beyond X factor, shit TV in general and extracts my present. A book has this quote on the back "Here is a test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't" Dan arrives and upon seeing my sizeable shoulders he invites me to partake in some lifting of the heavy nature. I regrettably had to decline on account of my crumbling spine. I am deceptively brittle.

Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/richardbac101049.html#ffI7YrYzsm7q2iko.99

We costume up: I have taken the form of a panda, Swapnal a chav gangster and Andy a bishop. I should explain that the theme of tonight's event is things you'd like to put into room 101. I was expecting a strong backlash and Vicky doesn't disappoint she instantly jumps to panda's defence. But after my barrage of facts she ceases her defence or decides I am a lost cause and moves on. Throughout the night everyone was surprisingly open to putting the cutest endangered bears into room 101. Swap dislikes wannabe gangster chavs, which is fair enough they are really, really annoying. Andy has come a bishop but he is representing all religion, I don't like organised religion. But then again I don't really like rules.

1 in 4 pandas will tear your face off. The others will just bow down all cute and what not.

My reasons for wanting to put pandas into room 101 are because they are a bear that eats bamboo. They are sooooooo ill adapted to eating bamboo that they have to eat 10-20kg a day. That's right their digestive systems are still in carnivore mode! They don't mate enough! And most females get postpartum depression. I love the animal it's terribly cute and get is surprised by sneezes. But they just won't cut it. You can get rid of all funding and they will survive. Why? Because they are a Chinese icon. Pretty sure all pandas are owned by China. Also I am backed up by Chris Packham, wildlife expert, and Ricky Gervais, all round legend.

Panda rant done back to the party :D So now come Harry, Emily and a lad whose name I didn't catch! I only realise now that I did not ascertain his name. Next time....Emily has come as Marmite not much more to say on the subject as I wholeheartedly dislike marmite. Myself, Swap and Andy take a stand so as to greet the newcomers. Bit of chatter and we rearrange ourselves on the seating in order to try and encourage everyone to fill up the seats. We had been occupying 2 sofas and a pew. We are now occupying one sofa and a pew. I was being surly and refusing to move. Now arrive Dan, in costume, and Gareth, Dan's bro.

Dan is dressed in an old school american military uniform with a white stick, dark shades and an american flag. I had no idea what he'd come as and didn't ask him on the night! I was too busy being a panda. Lookig back I think he may have come as blind nationalism? Gareth has dressed up as Bruno Mars. And just in case his outfit was too subtle he has is wearing a self labelling t shirt. This surely signals a battle of epic proportions. Our Swapnal is a notorious Bruno Mars impersonator. Well he pops on a fedora and is, more or less, constantly told he looks like Bruno Mars.

I am running low on writing juice so I shall retire for the night and return upon the morrow! It's been a week since the event so my thoughts have been pieced together. I remember now that one of Vicky's mates from uni arrived whilst I was downstairs and I stood back not wanting to disrupt their reunion. Little embarrassing but I didn't take the time to ask her her name :-S. Or at least confirm her name. I did hear it being used throughout the night but in my, somewhat, inebriated state I can't be 100% sure what it was. I have three options: Gianna, Chianna or Rihanna. I think the first one is most likely, only time will tell. I'm going to refer to her as Cruella as that was her costume on the night, a stand against fur for fashion.

It's around this point that Bruce and Laura arrive. Bruce is blue cheese complete with grapes and crackers for garnish, genius! Laura has come as Harry Potter I did not ask why but I'm not a massive fan of Harry as a main character. He's a little too Hugh Grant, admittedly I've only ever seen the films so perhaps I'm off the mark. Oh Mark! He was on his way to York and gave me a call before everything kicked off. He informed me of his Subway purchases and told me the story. Doesn't matter where I go in life I don't think I'll ever come across anyone quite like Mark James Taylor.

It's around now that everyone pops out for another smoke leaving me sat on my pew like a lemon. I dislike being citrus of any kind so I burst into action and engage Gareth in conversation about work and driving etc. I learn that he did contemplate "blacking up" to make his Bruno Mars costume more authentic. But was worried about the potential backlash when walking through Lincoln town centre. The smokers return and I think this is when I got started on spirits. Vodka Umbongo didn't go down too well but was vastly improved by the addition of a little fizz.

They drink it in the congo

I advance and somehow strike up a conversation with Laura. I had to ask her her name twice. I am terrible with names unless I learn your full name. Then I should be able to recall it regardless of the last time I saw you. This idiosyncrasy was pointed out to me by the one...the only...I.T. Helpdesk III! The one piece of info that sticks in my memory is that she told me her daughter was 21 months old and she was not looking forwards to the terrible twos. Andy has a a two year old daughter and swings in with many tales to terrify Laura further.

I am notice something involving straws is occurring. It would appear Cruella is crafting a construction out of straws. I enquire as to what and why. It's a giant straw for Vicky to use as her most awesome TV costume does not allow for easy access to beverages. Cruella is having a bit of a mare as she's wearing satin gloves thus making deft straw manoeuvring an impossible task. I offer to help as I have the dexterity of a surgeon. My hands are so gentle that I am able to handle ants between my thumb and forefinger with no damage coming to the insect. A skill that I am yet to find a profitable use for. Straw successfully constructed I take a picture, as is my way.

Now is when I meet Bruce, top bloke. He runs through the whirlwind that was meeting his wife and having a daughter. To which my only comment is "21 months!" He mucho impressed by the speed of my calculation and as much as I would like to take all the glory I admit that Laura told me mere minutes ago. Out of the window I can see cherry blossom, sakura in Japanese, spring has truly sprung. Bruce now enquires as to who Gareth has come as. The more astute amongst you will realise that this may seem something of an unnecessary question as Gareth is self labelling tonight. Turns out Bruce hasn't the foggiest who Bruno Mars is. Reminds me of a certain Matthew Lamar, when Ben Good asked him what his opinion of Vladamir Putin was his completely serious reply was "I don't really listen to music."

Courtesy of distractify.com

Not so sure how I engaged these two in conversation but I think Swap may have quizzed them about their apparent hatred of football. Turns out Emma would very much like to see all things football related disappear and Ian just wants Liverpool to vanish off the face of the planet. Now that that's cleared up Ian mentioned he's quite the avid runner. Turns out him and a mate completed Tough Mudder last year. Now they plan on doing five of them. When asked if I'd give it a crack I am gutted that I can't! Spinal woes. During this time Vicky is doing the rounds with a tray of Baileys shots. I think the glasses, the tray and the Baileys were all gifts.

It's around now that the band kicks off and we are treated to a barrage of classics that gets the room moving. In an attempt to close the gap between the band and the crowd myself, Swapnal and Andy go sit on the rearranged seating. Again we are unsuccessful at manoeuvring the masses. I nip downstairs to break the seal and bump into Ben and Andy on their way in. I had previously met Ben at the Soiree back in...June? Was it really that long ago!? Anyhow he's with Andy and I assume they are related. I think they looked alike but I was off the mark, all yall look alike! Bruce and Laura are departing as well. I should also mention that Ben thought I lived at the house!

When I head back upstairs I see that Dan has mounted his bass. There's a combination of words that, even with the most vivid/twisted of imaginations, I never would have concocted. Now comes the time for some fresh vocal input. And so Marie "the spider" Travis makes her way to the stage. The switch up is pretty amazing. Wearing a large woolly panda balaclava is taking it's toll and I head outside to cool off. This scene is missing as I have no idea what happened during this time.

Heading back indoors I intentionally park myself in the middle of the dance floor. It's the space between the couches and one of the kitchen islands. If you scroll back up to the pic of the room then you can see it is a narrow strip of dance floor. During an interlude there is a swift exchange of hats between Karly, Andy, Swapnal, Jaime and myself. Now Unicum comes out to play play. Swap mixes it with redbull and we get cracking. It sips badly and the after taste is indescribable so naturally the executive decision is made to add blue curacao, orangey blue bitterness what could possibly go wrong? It doesn't help one jot.

Let's move on. It's time for costume prizes! Andy wins best dressed man for his red bishop/cardinal. Cruella wins for her creative stand against fur and the spider takes the grand prize! And now it's time for some more music! So Swapnal fetches his five string guitar and Ben starts strumming along with Steve. Dan appeals to the crowd for some new vocal talent and so we begin the slow spiral towards karaoke.

Now here's where my mind gets rather mixed up and the chronology falls apart. I remember a guy from a few doors down pops in after hearing all the ruckus. He naturally gets me and Swapnal mixed up asking me how long I've lived here. Cruella requests I record a short video for a a friend. This would involve the use of her phone. Given that it has limited battery life she insists I leave it on standby until the last moment. No problem but this means I have to learn the code to unlock her phone. I still remember the code! I end up recording a 4 minute spectacular of a video which is immediately posted to facebook. My help in this endeavour results in this question from Cruella "why are you so nice!?" I have no answer so I ask Gareth. His answer is that you can in fact be too nice. All's fair in love and war etc.

The night winds down and someone tells me Andy is is outside having it out with someone on the phone. Now this is the scene to end all scenes. A man dressed as a bishop is stood outside a church early on a Sunday morning having a casual argument on the phone! I grab my gear out the car and Vicky kindly preps my bed for the night. It is of course a three seater couch + a two seater couch making for quite the lovely leather bed. I brush my teeth and read some more about cold reading techniques before drifting off. My sleep is interrupted by someone on the search for red wine and again on the quest for a phone. Sometime later I hear a disturbance but amongst all the noise I hear Swapnal's voice and trust he's got it under control. I am summoned to lend a hand. As chance would have it I have two rather large hands so I get involved it is about 04:00.

What transpired ended up with Swapnal asleep on the two seater next to me. It did not occur to us to separate the two sofas! As I go to sleep I remember that this time last year we were in a similar situation except in Swapnal's bed. The more things change the more they stay the same! What's funnier is that I used the subject of pandas as a means of switching subjects with the ever effervescent Eleanor. And here I was a year later dressed as a panda, of sorts. A few hours of sleep later I bust a move and refresh myself in the shower. Freshly showered I can't get back to sleep so I feast on chicken wings whilst reading Dale Carnegie's word's of wisdom.

Swapnal is up, sort of and takes up my offer of chicken wings. We've motored through about half of them so I head to the bin to get rid of the bones. This throws Swap into a minor panic as he thought I was about to bin the remaining wings! Vicky is kind enough to cooks us bacon and eggs and we tuck in gratefully. We sit in silence for a while as neither of us is particularly awake at this moment in time. Andy pops up looking cheerful and spins around in a circle in search of something. He pulls a wok from his drawer and puts it back before whipping out a pan. Now its time to look for eggs and the eggs he finds have a best before date of....October 2013!

I pull myself together and do a final kit check before shipping out. It's been an eventful and exceedingly enjoyable night. I hope every March the 1st will be as awesome as the last two have been. I should mention that I retrieved my 4 pack of scotch eggs from the fridge before heading home. They were under not one but two boxes of regular eggs! On my way home I find myself listening to this, soothing Sunday music. Almost forgot amaretto and umbongo makes for a kickass mixture!

Jiglz - The manufacturer of my awesome panda balaclava :D

Now for a mad conspiracy! WWIII is set to kick off any moment now and I for one am not sold on this being anything other than a conspiracy. Rule of three anyone? If we go in reverse chronological order there is the invasion of the Ukraine. With the flimsy front of defending their nationals on foreign soil Russia has stepped in. Putin is not a fan of homosexuality and is hosting an international sporting event...remind you of anyone? I'll give you a clue he wrote a book about camping and was shown up by a single man of colour at the 1936 Olympics. And now for the last, or first, step his rise to power. Well his rerise to power. All of this makes me think that he's being set up as the next boogie man for the world to focus their combined disapproval on. But then again I think the horse meat scandal was a weak attempt to scare us into eating healthier and that the footage of the moon landings could not have survived the radiation in space. So I'm probably massively misinformed completely off the money.

The 1st day of March!

A Flash back from the 1st of March:

<<<Harp music instantly inducing a sense of nostalgia>>> Kinda only works for me and anyone who was there...
Up at 03:00 that day so I could energise my system adequately, kriya yoga. I then drove to Newark, where Paul was waiting. We bolted up to Durham and hung about the staff room drinking tea before shooting off to three schools. Varying levels of worry regarding the impending change of course, to be expected. I shan't go into detail, official secrets and all that mumbo jimbo.

So when we get back to Paul's it is around 15:30 and he advises me that since we've been on the go since 06:00 I should go home. I give him a wry smile and say "Raving not behaving tonight Paul!" Words to that effect anyhow :-P

Our first night out in Lincoln with the office! We did attempt this once before. I say we but it was Swapnal who talked about it happening then didn't inform anyone of the time or place until very shortly beforehand! Schoolboy error...of the 11 invited only 4 showed up to Rileys; Swapnal, Mark, Chris and me! We play darts, we suck at darts. I buy an overpriced pizza and call it a night. Pleasant enough but it was a let down in terms of turnout.

Back to the 1st of March! I arrive back at the office at 16:30, giving me thirty minutes to work. I type up something akin to a contact report and drive to Swapnal's so I can transform myself from mild mannered office bloke to an old school version of myself, all shall become clear.

Now here's where I made my first mistake, shoes. I found an old pair of rather swish looking formal shoes, and I think to myself "why don't I wear these anymore?" I got them back in 2005, when I first went off to Uni. Expressly for the purpose of formal hall dinners. I also pick an old silk shirt I haven't worn in a while. It is early March so as you can expect nighttime is going to be rather cold. In my infinite wisdom I couple a black silk shirt and jeans with a bright yellow vest :S moving on! Back in the day I'd have gone out in just the vest n jeans X-D

 Here's a pic of my big right arm. I noticed that the text was getting a bit overwhelming so I thought I'd break it up with this! Incidentally I only have the one big arm, ever noticed how I always stand with one side to the room and never square on??? 



Quickly get changed at Swap's place as we expect we've only got minutes before our office catches up to us. Not the case we had ages as they aren't the swiftest of walkers. We go to the Coop where they may have gone to get money out and see no one so we walk in to town.

Are you finding it odd that I can recall all these details of an event that happened 5 months ago? Well that's my memory for you, excruciating detail of every occurrence. From my birth to this moment...

It's not really that good :P but I do recall a hell of a lot more than "normal" people would. Admittedly I don't tend to remember anything that matters. Just stuff that has very little applied use. If I say that I don't remember something we've talked about then I am likely lying. I remember every conversation I've had since I was like 10 years old.

So the first stop is Rileys where there is a bit of a song and a dance about memberships. Once that's sorted we get to pool. Teams of two and I'm paired with Eleanor. At this point in time I don't really know Eleanor, I think she doesn't trust me. She's right not to, I am a crafty character... ;-) We play and thus break the ice, kind of. James and David are at a level that is beyond the rest of us, so they are left to dual each other.

Just as I'm getting back in the groove, potting left right n centre we head to the pub. At this point in time we are down one of the troops. That is because she was told we were off to Rileys and assumed it was the one we went to last time, when only four of us showed up. It is in the opposite direction to town so she agrees to meet us after we're done with Rileys. Am I making sense?

The green dot is where we worked, B is the Rileys she thought we'd gone to and A is the one we went to. As you can see it wouldn't make sense to head out of town to head back in. But thanks to Mark's crystal clear explanatory abilities Sarah joins us in the pub. I order after everyone else, on account of my securing the tables, so my mixed grill arrives as everyone is mid meal. Eleanor was kind enough to wait with me whilst I ordered, considerate girl! I unleash my eating demons and devour it in record time. Chris S and Emma make their exit around now.

Mark craftily creeps and successfully switches seats leaving the only open seat for Sarah right next to him, you sly lad you ;-) So Sarah arrives, I would include a pic but I daren't ask permission, and I think that Ollie Murs said it best:

Um yeah, let's move on...Eleanor spots a young man on the adjoining table. She goes on to express her new found affection for him as he appears...she can't quite find the word. I stare at him and come up with the word earnest. Apparently bang on :D Around now the conversation takes something of a toxic turn. Well I thought it was toxic so I interject with Marc Birch's genius conversational piece "what's your opinion on pandas?" Swift change of subject achieved! Like a boss!

Some time travel talk later she says "all the nice ones are gay...are you gay?" Now it's nice to hear that I class as one of the "nice ones" but she also thinks I may be gay! Insult? Compliment? combo of the two? I know not! 

I do conform to certain behaviours that have been associated with gay men:

• Obsession with weights
• Moisturising
• Soft s'
• Love of dance

Swapnal, James and David are having an in depth discussion about business. I'm spared the detail as I was still a lone wolf, well I sat in the corner plotting how to conquer...I think this is still a secret I'm not allowed to divulge. I'm not a secret agent or an assassin but then again that's exactly what a secret agent/assassin would say...I can say I work in the dairy industry and I was once covered in an experimental product during it's testing phase. As a result I have gained superhuman selling skills that I use every day to peddle FMCG!

Quo Vadis is where we are treated to an experience none of us shall soon forget. This is of course the master of disaster Mark Tin Tin Taylor on the prowl. He is like a force of nature that can not and will not stop. Approaching and opening many a set, this level of game is something I've only seen from "naturals" or someone who has been trained. There is another option I have come up with and that is that he is fearless in the face of rejection! I should also mention that his choice of drink came in a fish bowl which he cradles in one arm on to the dancefloor! This continues throughout the night...

We inevitably end up stood outside as some of our office peeps have a shmoke. The girls get cold and I, in a fit of chivalry, embrace them both to my ample bosom. It really is ample, ask anyone, I can't touch my elbows together it's so very, very ample. Oh and I was freezing cold as well, also any excuse for a hug! Turns out I'm not quite tall enough to effectively hug Elle with heels on. She even throws a sh*t test my way! Been a long time since any girl's tried that on me, made me laugh like a cliche villain.

Gerrard joins us at some point as he has just departed the business. Now Gerrard is in possession of a voice that could soothe a savage storm whilst simultaneously lulling several infants to sleep. You don't believe me? Then see for yourself!

Cigars! We can't get into Lola's as they don't let people in who wear trainers that look like they are made for sport. James is ready to argue the case but we move on. This is where it gets a little hazy I do remember martini's and sitting on some couches in Kind.

Sarah inexplicably develops hiccups, aren't all hiccups inexplicable? Phrenic nerve I know :D My first attempt resulted in possibly the worst photo that exists of me! As you can see blinded by the flash I look like a total bell-end!

The second attempt was a total success, breath holding contest! As I knew Sarah was likely to be very competitive, keen Rollergirl that she is. I also knew I'd win, in my prime I could hold me breath for 4 minutes, I won but that's not really important :-P

The girls depart as does James and Mark. Running down the street apologising left right and center for Marks speedy chat up attempts. Might just be me but if you're on a night out with girls and they call it a night does it always peter out afterwards? I've noticed this happen on at least 6 different occasions.

Swapnal, David, Chris and myself end up on Tokyo. I love to dance :-D much like Van Damme :D and we break up a fight, sort of, before heading home. Once at Swapnal's we spot a duvet in the hallway, strange. We head upstairs and see that the couch is occupied by a large lad who gives us a smile before falling back asleep. Swapnal makes me an offer I can't refuse, sharing his bed. This is all so sudden we've only known each other a few months...

We've got takeaway so we can't just go straight to bed, naturally we watch some 30 Rock! Yet to fully catch up with it myself, so much TV to watch it's unreal! After a few explosive turning over occurences, I move in bed like a sprinter out the blocks. I sort of launch myself into the air and land in a new position. That particular night though, anyone observing my actions may conclude I am infact fighting the wall. Elbows, knees and the odd heel. All in all a good nights sleep!

I've since slept in every bed in that house bar the one in Vicky's room. Only a matter of time ;-)

Oh and remember those shoes that I found that I never wore? Well here's why, they hack and slash at feet with a ferocity I have never encountered before! I now possess a scar on my left foot as a result!

From left to right: Sarah, Eleanor and me!
Easier to ask forgiveness than permission so if either of you lovely ladies are enraged then please forgive me ;-)